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Won't have discussions?

(15 Posts)
Puzzles10 Wed 05-Aug-20 08:23:19

I've been with my partner nearly two years, we live together, and recently I'm finding it really frustrating that he just doesnt seem to have any interest is proper chats and discussions, beyond day-to-day talk. His response when I try to initiate conversation about the world/ideas tends to be 'what will be, will be' or, 'who knows' which is quite a conversation killer.

Is there any way this can change, or should I just accept this is who he is and try to get stimulating conversation from other people? I have mentioned to him a few times that I feel we dont chat enough but things dont really change

OP’s posts: |
RedNun Wed 05-Aug-20 08:29:57

I don’t think you can force someone to take an interest in the world at large, alas. I’d be moving on in your shoes. I can’t imagine planning to spend my life with someone with such a limited fund of talk.

(Or am I misunderstanding and he’s thoroughly engaged, he just can’t or won’t verbalise it?)

ravenmum Wed 05-Aug-20 08:53:15

Are you looking to start a family with him, or is it more of a bill-sharing situation?
If you don't talk, what do you do?

hellsbellsmelons Wed 05-Aug-20 08:55:24

You don't have to accept anything if you don't want to.
You don't mention his good points.
Do you love him?
Have you had a proper talk to him about this and how it makes you feel?

Puzzles10 Wed 05-Aug-20 09:01:21

Yes, still planning on a family in the next few years..

Most of what we do is just 'hanging out' tbh, watching TV, days out, playing games. It's not complete silence, we talk about our day, our pets, the future.. but we dont have long rambling conversations. He says this just isn't what he's ever done.

He's a good person, cares about me and we do enjoy doing similar things. I think he's just more of a 'do-er' than a chatter?

OP’s posts: |
NotSuchASmugMarriedNow1 Wed 05-Aug-20 09:06:07

Hmm I dunno. We can't get everything we need from men that's what girlfriends are for.

Menora Wed 05-Aug-20 09:10:18

I honestly think from experience having nothing to talk about will really hit you when you have 2 DC, been at home all day with no adult conversation and he comes home and says ‘who knows’ to all your topics of conversation.

Agree that friends have a particular place in your life that a partner may not, but if you don’t even have a friendship with your partner, this is 30-40 years of terrible conversation that you have to get used to. It’s already annoying you....

TwentyViginti Wed 05-Aug-20 09:13:23

This will get old very quickly. Think of years down the line when you have the ceaseless, inane chatter of DC and long for proper adult conversation, and all you'll have with your partner is chats about the weather and pets.

ravenmum Wed 05-Aug-20 09:23:39

If you want children, it's better to find someone on the same wavelength as you. You find this slightly annoying now, and that is more likely to get worse than better. You'll be even more annoyed, and also tied to this man in some way, via your children, forever.

ravenmum Wed 05-Aug-20 09:29:36

My exh wasn't this bad, but he hated disagreement. So if I said something he disagreed with, he'd say "Maybe" and stop talking; end of dicsussion. Now our adult daughter has complained about him saying "Maybe" in this way, and I feel mildly embarrassed - her bf has better conversational skills, it feels as if she is indirectly criticising my life choices!

Chocolate1984 Wed 05-Aug-20 09:30:05

My husband is like this. In the early days I just accepted he wasn’t chatty, happy in silence and that’s ok. We enjoyed doing things together, hanging out, cinema, walking but I’ve now realised most of those were silent activities. Years later he talks even less, makes little effort to add to conversation and sometimes I feel like I may as well be talking to the sofa. I talk to him less because I know the conversation is going nowhere and he won’t add to it.

When you have kids you’ll move away from your friends, won’t have as much free time to talk and you’ll rely on him. If you have any big problems his lack of conversation won’t feel like support. This will get worse as he naturally starts to make less effort as the years go on.

FTstepmum Wed 05-Aug-20 09:35:42

Think ahead... will you be that sad old couple in the restaurant who don't say a word to each other?

You might love him, but are you truly compatible? Consider this before you start a family.

X

WellIWasInTheNeighbourhoo Wed 05-Aug-20 10:39:58

I'd get bored with that and also start wondering if he wasn't very intelligent which does not bode well for the future.

You say he talks about the future, as in what you're doing tomorrow / next week or more importantly the next 5/10 years? Travel & financial planning? Have you discussed the details of having children, how the finances & childcare will work if you do, or does he shy away from that too?

BrandoraPaithwaite Wed 05-Aug-20 12:12:17

I have ended an otherwise nice relationship for similar. No regrets.

RedNun Wed 05-Aug-20 12:22:52

So have I, @BrandoraPaithwaite. I realised he was never going to anything remotely interesting or thoughtful, so I got out of the bath, phoned him, ditched him, and got back in and added more hot water.

And despite the fact that he patented something not long afterwards, while he was still an engineering student, and became a very young millionaire, it has not cost me a moment's regret. Nice as he was, he was dull as ditchwater. His conversation was like being plastered in beige woodchip wallpaper.

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