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Tell me about your experiences of nice men please?

(20 Posts)
downwardspiral1 Wed 05-Aug-20 00:01:20

I left an emotionally abusive marriage and went through a horrible divorce.

Since then I briefly dated one person (dates remained platonic for various reasons and then he called them off after the 7th date, I did like him though and we were back in touch during lockdown but that has fizzled out too), and that’s it. I met my 7 date person online and before him chatted to my quota of creepy people. Then there are all the people I hear about on here - terrible OLD experiences, not to mention the awful things that go on in relationships and I should know in any case.

I don’t know if I am ever going to meet anyone else, but after what I went through with my ex husband, I would so like a loving and kind relationship where communicating is easy and there is no abuse. I would like to know what that’s like.

However it seems that to find anyone I will have to spend years wading through liars, cheats, people who are only after sex etc..

Basically is there any point in trying as it all seems doomed to failure.

But also, please tell me your stories of lovely men you have met or who you know. Men who don’t ghost, lie, continuously look for something “better” online, just want sex, etc... It all seems very depressing. Am middle aged so that might not help either in terms of the pool of available men.

I don’t know, should I just accept that my shit marriage is what I get (it was my first relationship, so that doesn’t help) and forget about meeting someone else?

OP’s posts: |
pog100 Wed 05-Aug-20 00:36:33

I hoped the tumbleweed is due to the hour not the lack of examples.

Mydogisthebestest Wed 05-Aug-20 00:38:29

Met DP when I was 48. Am 50 and happier then I’ve ever been. He cares about me and I him. It’s calm. And lovely. And he’s right for me.

dodgeballchamp Wed 05-Aug-20 00:40:02

I have some nice platonic male friends, but even they have ghosted/led on/messed about women they dated. On a romantic level, LOL. Nope. Never met one who doesn’t do any of those things, sorry.

Mydogisthebestest Wed 05-Aug-20 00:41:40

DP has never messed me about. Or ghosted me. He replies to texts phones me if we aren’t together. He’s just a thoroughly decent bloke.

Aquamarine1029 Wed 05-Aug-20 00:44:56

My grandfathers and dad were/are lovely men. My husband of over 20 years is wonderful. I can't say enough good things about him. Decent men are out there, but you have to learn to spot the signs of the worthless ones before you waste any time on them.

SleepingStandingUp Wed 05-Aug-20 00:45:19

Op o met DH online. I was 29, he was 36. Engaged and living together within 6 months, married a year after. first born was a very poorly baby, it made our relationship stronger and he massively stepped up over two long hospitalisations and a million short ones in the first 18 months. Also have baby twins. He gets up with them every morning so I can get an extra hour or two as in up overnight and don't sleep well. He does big ones bedtime most nights. He does his share of housework. He has never to my knowledge chatted up other women, he's never been abusive to me, he had a good close relationship with his Mom. He's not perfect, but who is?

OldWomanSaysThis Wed 05-Aug-20 00:46:08

I have known quite a few lovely gay men in my life.

ColdCottage Wed 05-Aug-20 00:48:16

Nearly all of my friends apart from two have lovely partners. Some have slightly less helpful husbands than others when it comes to house work and children but they are all kind, good men and partners as is my husband.

I've had a few broken hearts but never been treated badly or disrespected let alone mentally or physically abused.

Expect more and I hope that will reflect more in the men you meet. Set exceptions high from the first date with regards to care and respect and hopefully that will last and get rid at any signs of poor behaviour.

There are lots of kind, lovely people out there, treat it like finding an new job, if you invest time and energy into it you will find the right person for you. Not the perfect person / they don't exist. Even in my relationship and my friends our partners still drive us nuts sometimes and we argue but we aren't abused.

Regretsy Wed 05-Aug-20 00:51:09

I’m not sure I’d describe my relationship with DP as easy but I can list his best traits (sickeningly when we were in a LDR and pining I listed a hundred in my diary but won’t go that far here! grin )
He is the most patient man I know and frequently tells me he is never angry with me. We do argue but he’s never aggressive.
He’s very handsome but also modest, a rare find in a man IME.
He has never hit anyone or would dream of it.
He’s very kind and says he wants to foster children with me one day.
He’s great in the kitchen and the bedroom grin .
He’s not anal about money like me.
He’s a hard worker, recently lost his job due to the evil virus and got stuck in to what was available next even though it may be seen as a ‘lower’ position.
He tells me I’m beautiful even though I’ve clearly transformed into a warthog over lockdown.

I’ll stop now as you may be sickened! He’s not perfect as anyone isn’t, but nice guys do exist. It’s just luck whether you find them or not, don’t give up!

bert3400 Wed 05-Aug-20 00:57:24

There are great men out there. My mum remarried one when I was 16. He is incredibly kind and patient and makes her laugh every day. I met my now DH 22 years ago, he is also incredibly kind, very funny, patient , hard working , generous and makes me laugh like know one else can. I also have 4 sons, who are also incredibly lovely, kind but very messy and sometimes they fart way too much grin

Belle1983 Wed 05-Aug-20 01:07:36

My first relationship at 17 ended up with a divorce 15 years later, so I relate to your post a lot.
Not the most abusive relationship (although looking back I should not have accepted the treatment he dished out), but he was not nice, raised his hand a few times and ruined my confidence, wasted my money and cheated on me (who knows how many times).

I've said all of that because I have now stumbled upon the most amazing guy ever.
Not the most conventionally romantic, but treats me like a princess and makes me feel like I'm the centre of his world.

I did my fair share of internet dating. No horror stories, but I don't think my head was in the right place to date.
Met my amazing DP at work when I'd sworn I would never date again!

It sounds a bit silly,but I truly believe you gave to focus on getting to your happy place, then the right person will find you.

LoganberryOakley Wed 05-Aug-20 01:44:05

I'm 44 and I've been with my husband 26 years and...

He is kind to me every day.

He tells me I'm gorgeous/ he loves me/ I'm all that he sees every day. (I'm not gorgeous btw)

When I got pregnant (by accident at 21 years old) the first thing he did (after drinking the obligatory beer to get over the shock) was give me his bank card and tell me his money was for both of us, and it's been the same ever since. We totally share everything.

He cooks, does DIY, does housework and laundry. Definitely over his share. He learned EVERYTHING when I was sick and kept it up.

He takes care of me when I'm sick. And I REALLY know this, nothing is too much to ask.

If I get up in the middle of the night and find a spider in the bathroom, I just have to say his name and he wakes up and says "where" and I show him and he puts it out the window. I feel REALLY bad about this but I'm a complete phobic. I wish I wasn't.

He spends hours choosing gifts for me, and organising things for us to do together.

He is always supportive, always has my back. I'm not saying he always agrees with me , but where it matters....

Our relationship is going through a difficult time at the moment but he is very much a nice man. He has never, ever called me a name or critisised me to other people. He has never made me feel like I'm anything but the most important person in his world. I trust him totally.

He's not perfect though.... He has flaws and faults. He's far from perfect but he's lovely.

I hope you find your nice man OP, they are out there. My DH wasn't necessarily what I thought I wanted, I expected a fling and it grew from there. I'm not going to give trite advice, just I really , really wish you happiness, whatever happens

downwardspiral1 Wed 05-Aug-20 07:29:41

Thanks for all the messages!

I too thought it was tumbleweed at first and looked again later and there were loads of posts!

Lovely stories, thank you. And lovely men and relationships.

Re my marriage, it was the last 12 years of it that weren’t good - and it got progressively worse. I didn’t want to mischaracterise my marriage completely because at first things were a lot better despite ups and downs. But yes, the last years were awful and I have been so “separate” (including for a long time while still married) for so long now that I don’t even know if I will ever be able to bridge the gap between me and another person.

OP’s posts: |
Menora Wed 05-Aug-20 07:52:29

I am 40 and been dating for many years. I broke up with my DC dad when I was 27. I rushed into a relationship too fast after that and it was abusive, as was the next one (both a year long each). I had a bad childhood and a lot of unresolved issues.

So I took a lot more time to be single after that. Between 30 and 38 I had only one relationship of 18 months and it was better and healthier than the other ones, but didn’t work out. I OLD a bit, on and off but nothing went anywhere.

I met someone earlier this year, thought I was ready and it was a whirlwind car crash and by March I was completely broken. I started counselling and I went back on OLD to make myself feel better (not always a good idea) and reconnected with a really nice guy who I had initially friend zoned back in Jan.

All though April and May we chatted as friends, no romantic pressure at all just friends and we had so much lockdown fun. I also was in the counselling and getting healthier. By the time they eased lockdown we went on a few socially distant dates/meet ups and it got more and more romantic, we are now together properly. He is SO kind, sweet, caring, lovely and respectful. He always offers to help me do things, he is so consistent with texting and calling and never let me down yet. He’s an open communicator and I think having a friendship has given us a really solid base to grow from. I do think you have to look at someone you are considering in a relationship and ask ‘would I be friends with you?’

Themadcatparade Wed 05-Aug-20 14:02:30

Me and my partner have only been together for the past 21 months but so far, he shines all the loveliness.

We have both been on bad relationship situations in the past - so we both know how to value and respect each other. He was completely devoted from day 1, with respect to my time, my home, my child. He’s proactive in the home, will do housework without asking. If I’m up doing, then he is too. If I’m sat down, he’s still up asking if he can do anything for me. He’s always stepped up to my needs, always reminds me Im beautiful and he loves me. His money has also been my money from day one too (although I struggle with this a lot - as he’s one to want to give his money time and attention, I’m exactly the same!). He can communicate. He respects my opinions even if they differ to his. He worries about my safety. He will ask me if I need anything if I get up in the night. He’s a hard worker, he pus his family (now our lovely blended family!) before himself. He makes me laugh every day. We have fun.

I’m a very lucky lady. I feel like I am. But other times I think well no, I’m not lucky, this is how a relationship is meant to be. Holistic, respectful, full of love.

Littlebee1990 Thu 06-Aug-20 06:24:23

I would’ve read this post with envy 3 years ago whilst married to my ex husband however can now reply and tell you they absolutely do exist!

My partner is the kindest human I have ever met. He is always thinking of ways to put a smile on my face and planning fun things for us. He is proactive at home and is always focused on doing what’s right for us and our future.

He has never once called me a bad name or made me feel shit and I trust him completely. If I’ve had a bad day he will leave me a nice note or something to make me smile and is just genuine, selfless and hardworking.

That said his best trait is how open he is with communication, having been with someone for 12 years who was emotionally unavailable it is amazing to be with someone who I don’t second guess and who is an open book. The only time he has ever lied to me is if he’s planned a surprise for me.

He talks and appreciates our opinions will differ on things and always asks what’s on my mind if he knows I’m stressed, he will try and help in any situation possible. My mum is a single parent and my sister has learning difficulties and he treats them like they’re his family, nothing is ever too much.

He has a good network of people around him and treats everyone he meets with respect which I think is so rare these days.

He makes me feel beautiful on days where I resemble a beast and always makes me feel like I’m the most important person in his world, he really does make me feel beautiful.

I could go on but I’ll stop as I’m starting to make myself feel sick but honestly never thought these men existed because the only time my ex got me flowers or listened to me was if he’d fuck*d up!

I promise you that they do exist ❤️

Yellow1793 Thu 06-Aug-20 06:47:24

I believe they do exist, but they are rare.

To the pps who have said ‘I know some lovely men’ or ‘my grandfather/father/son etc’ is lovely.....obviously lovely to you, but that is entirely different to being lovely to their partner. One of my closest friends is going through a rough patch in her marriage. To the outside world her husband seems to be Mr perfect.....

Glendaruel Thu 06-Aug-20 06:54:14

I met a lovely man two years ago online that I completely trust, we're planning wedding and about to have our first. I never thought I would even consider marriage again. He loves me, loves my dogs, is considerate and kind!

OhTheRoses Thu 06-Aug-20 07:12:37

Yes I have a lovely one and have for 30 years. But I think it's important to work on life so you have lots of enjoyable things in it sans men. Then if a man happens along you have a circle of friends, enjoyable job, lively interests, etc. If a man or the right one doesn't then you will have invested in your own good life and happiness in any event.

I am nearly 60 and am increasingly surprised at how many good men we know who are single, newly and sadly or otherwise. I don't think they would bother with OLD but may meet someone through mutual interests: choir; church, politics, art and friends of friends.

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