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Just need to vent about a relationship situation

(26 Posts)
louBert269 Tue 04-Aug-20 20:08:36

hi i just need to get this off my chest and gey some advice.
I've been seeing my bf for 2 years its got better and better, we both love how everything is and on the same page ect... we have a kinky side to us, so we talked about looking into how this would happen, talking about it was really exciting and a massive turn on for both us, now I appreciated that this may just need to stay a fantasy.
We tried a couple of sites last year catering to this but we decided it wasn't for us,
So we've been enjoying each other and talked about it still and I know he really loves the thought of it and I do too, he suggested a few ways to help it happen but mostly meant I'd have to put myself out there and om reluctant, its either both or not. Anyway yesterday he emails me at work to tell me he's a friend for us. I'm like how? He's not mentioned it once, turns out he's been messaging her, swapping pics texting ect and she's said she's up for it. Now im distraught that he's been messaging her on the sly for a month. I feel totally betrayed and ive to him so and that im not intetested as he's been so sly about it. He's said he's sorry and that he was just seeing how the land lay and totally understands why im so upset. I cant get out of my head him messaging her and shes been asking if he take her on a date ect.
Ultimately ive told him no way and to delete her its not happening because it doesn't sit right with hpw hes gone about it.
Hes saying he didn't feel there was ever a chance to tell me which I don't get we have a really good open relationship I thought. And its the lie thats floored me. Had he said hey what you think ect , and we'd both been part of it.
Hes devastated hes hurt me. And we'd made the boundaries early on that it was joint or not at all.
But I cant eat or sleep and im devastated totally feels like I cant ever trust him again.
Am I right to feel this way and what should I do, im so angry today im contemplating ending things as trust is a major thing and hes totally broken it, and I cant gey out my head hes been messaging and shopping pics for 5 weeks. She even rang him the other night as she was bored. So obviously wants a relationship as well as fun. He also played down our relationship which has also hurt me so much
Just need advice be kind

OP’s posts: |
billy1966 Tue 04-Aug-20 20:21:42

Your instinct is correct, don't go against it.

It sounds like you are being both manipulated and used.

Protect yourself OP.flowers

Notcoolmum Tue 04-Aug-20 20:58:56

During a global pandemic? No.

And it's something you should have agreed and pursued together. In safer times.

Aerial2020 Tue 04-Aug-20 20:59:06

Yes def, this isn't what you agreed. Seems hes using it as an excuse to chat and text another woman. Doesn't seem right at all. 5 weeks is a long time.

louBert269 Tue 04-Aug-20 21:16:32

Sorry should have said obviously not at the moment anyway thats a definate

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backseatcookers Tue 04-Aug-20 21:22:07

Hes devastated hes hurt me. And we'd made the boundaries early on that it was joint or not at all.

He knew those boundaries and prioritised talking explicitly to, and sharing explicit pictures with, a stranger. You can't have a healthy traditional monogamous relationship with someone who has trampled over clear boundaries, let alone add threesomes or swinging into the mix.

I'm afraid he's fucked it up. He'll be playing the 'but you were ok with us shagging other people together so it's not that different' card next, then when you make it clear this all means you no longer want to explore that kink he will be resentful and you'll feel you aren't fulfilling him sexually.

Basically, a recipe for toxicity and IMO it's now fucked. What a selfish prick.

billy1966 Wed 05-Aug-20 09:11:01

He's not that devastated OP.
He knew exactly what he was doing.

He has broken your trust.

You know this.
Up to you to decide that you will accept it.

Dozer Wed 05-Aug-20 09:13:22

He’s a common-garden cheater. Not surprised you no longer trust him.

DontInjectBleach Wed 05-Aug-20 09:17:07

If you can't deal with this then a threesome is def out of the question OP! Sounds like you've found that out just in time. You've clearly been fantasising about something you actually can't do.

I would cut him some slack - he was just setting up what you said you wanted. But if he's into this stuff and you are not it may be the clincher.

Notcoolmum Wed 05-Aug-20 09:26:11

DontInjectBleach

If you can't deal with this then a threesome is def out of the question OP! Sounds like you've found that out just in time. You've clearly been fantasising about something you actually can't do.

I would cut him some slack - he was just setting up what you said you wanted. But if he's into this stuff and you are not it may be the clincher.


I disagree. I've not done this myself but to invite someone else into your relationship requires trust and boundaries. Having a secret and separate relationship behind your partners back is not how to do this.

wantmorenow Wed 05-Aug-20 09:28:31

My DP started this road together too. Difference is we kept to our rules from get go, erring on cautious side always. Joined sites together, browsed together, messaged only when together so messages written and read together. It was tricky to navigate with complete trust and transparency .

Your. BF has already broken the trust needed for a relationship let alone a non-monogamous one. Trust your instincts and walk away as he has shown himself to be selfish, secretive and a weasel.

louBert269 Wed 05-Aug-20 17:41:11

wantmorenow

My DP started this road together too. Difference is we kept to our rules from get go, erring on cautious side always. Joined sites together, browsed together, messaged only when together so messages written and read together. It was tricky to navigate with complete trust and transparency .

Your. BF has already broken the trust needed for a relationship let alone a non-monogamous one. Trust your instincts and walk away as he has shown himself to be selfish, secretive and a weasel.

This has hit the nail on the head. I made it clear it was both or not at all.
I'm so upset with the shyness of it and we talk about it a lot so how he couldnt I don't know.
I'm worried that I won't ever trust hom.ahaim, and im agonising over all the details trying to see if I can catch him.out and what he's said is a lie, but im tempted to message her to find out her side as that will determine my decision or do I not and either believe him and end it or believe him and move on?

OP’s posts: |
anotherdisaster Wed 05-Aug-20 18:26:25

And what would he have done if she wasn't up for it? And how does he know this woman?
It sounds to me like he's been chatting to her behind your back then happened to mention your joint fantasy and she has said she wants to do it. I reckon if she hadn't he would still be messaging her on the sly.

Lindos123 Wed 05-Aug-20 18:30:14

Have been with fiancé a long time he’s not always been reliable. We don’t live together so after some time apart have had some more time together. Because of lockdown couldn’t see each other.

I saw him on a Thursday, he went home to pay his rent Friday morning so he says.

He said he didn’t do facebook as he doesn’t understand it but on the Friday lunchtime after he’d gone his name came up on my phone. A photo of him. I had his sons Facebook before. His son has the same first name.

He said his son helped him update it.

He told me he hadn’t been out to the Liverpool game on the Tuesday he wasn’t interested only in seeing the trophy given.

This was on weds he told me. Then when I rang him on the Saturday I asked if he’d been out he said no. The background photo was in a pub and recently as hand sanitizer on wall and social distance sign up.

So recently he’d been out. Why lie twice about being out. He was very drunk and smiling in the photo and very smug that was taken and I don’t know who took it.

I went to ring him back on the Saturday to see why he lied in the Saturday about it and he wouldn’t answer his phone all weekend !

I just don’t know what I’ve done wrong.

I’d booked us a holiday on the Wednesday and he was happy.

His ex girlfriend is in the Facebook who he had children with who he hates ? His kids are old enough to tell their dad anything so why still be friends with the ex ? He’s played us both

anotherdisaster Wed 05-Aug-20 18:34:45

@Lindos123 you need to start your own thread.

Lindos123 Wed 05-Aug-20 19:22:40

How do I start thread please

wantmorenow Wed 05-Aug-20 22:44:34

louBert269 sorry but from what you have said he's already acknowledged that he should have told you but "there wasn't a chance". I call bullshit.
Dabbling into nonstandard sex can be great if circumstances be are right and it's with the right person. He isn't this person. Out of curiosity, were any of the pics he shared of you because only you can consent to that. He isn't respecting you as an autonomous person with the right to control and Vito your pics, details and consent. You haven't been part of the vetting process and socialising with them. You have been excluded.
Honestly, in your situation I would walk away as he isn't meeting the minimal expectations needed. Or you go back to where you were and park the sex play as he isn't able to follow agreed rules. Honestly though I would count it as cheating and a irreparable breach of trust and I'm a swinger who enjoys swapping but only within our agreed rules which aren't many TBF.
Maybe explain to him what he has does wrong. If he sees the light without wriggling and blame shifting and immediately drops this person you might come back from it and chalk it up to miscommunication. If he persists in trying to involve them I really do think you should walk away. It was supposed to be a shared pursuit and fantasy anything less isn't enough. There are many more potential new partners out there to settle for less than amazing no matter how kinky or niche your fun is.

wantmorenow Wed 05-Aug-20 22:45:50

Fat fingers and tired. Sorry about typos.

CodenameVillanelle Wed 05-Aug-20 22:48:14

Lindos123

How do I start thread please

Top of the page there is a drop down menu and choose start new thread

Dogssox Wed 05-Aug-20 22:53:46

Dozer

He’s a common-garden cheater. Not surprised you no longer trust him.

A common garden cheater 😂 I've never heard that before!

OP I would dump his sorry ass.

louBert269 Wed 05-Aug-20 23:05:30

anotherdisaster

And what would he have done if she wasn't up for it? And how does he know this woman?
It sounds to me like he's been chatting to her behind your back then happened to mention your joint fantasy and she has said she wants to do it. I reckon if she hadn't he would still be messaging her on the sly.

So ive messaged the woman, he slid into her dms on fb, theyve had video calls and not met up, but he'd been asking to meet up after his shifts and in the pub over the last few weeks, she sent me screenshots ect, he deliberately been pursuing her daily, but lied and told me he didn't message her every day. He's played it down, and its really hurt me seeing the things he's been saying. but said he only did it for a threesome, but im not buying it its not fair to trick someone into it, We'd spoken about it and ovrr the last few weeks too so no excuse while he's been messaging her. He said it would have scared her off, but as I'd explained to him the other person cant be tricked into it and to go to the lengths he has is shocking and totally disrespectful and its broken all trust. Hes adamant it was just for that but it doesnt sit right with me at all.
Hes now decided we are over after calling him out on all of this tonight. He's decided he's miserable and he dumped a bag full of stuff on my doorstep tonight! And i assume its because he knows I know everything, and it would mean he's on the lower moral ground so its easier to behave like this than let me have something over him, which I'm not like that at all. I've not called him names or been to his kicking off or anything, just messaged everything and sent screenshots.
Ive spent the last 2 days in bits but I know the ugly truth, she said she doesn't think he'd have acted on it, but its total break of trust and i could never trust him again, its how sly hes been when he didn't have to.
So ive thanked him for my stuff with a big thumbs up.

OP’s posts: |
louBert269 Wed 05-Aug-20 23:36:32

wantmorenow

*louBert269* sorry but from what you have said he's already acknowledged that he should have told you but "there wasn't a chance". I call bullshit.
Dabbling into nonstandard sex can be great if circumstances be are right and it's with the right person. He isn't this person. Out of curiosity, were any of the pics he shared of you because only you can consent to that. He isn't respecting you as an autonomous person with the right to control and Vito your pics, details and consent. You haven't been part of the vetting process and socialising with them. You have been excluded.
Honestly, in your situation I would walk away as he isn't meeting the minimal expectations needed. Or you go back to where you were and park the sex play as he isn't able to follow agreed rules. Honestly though I would count it as cheating and a irreparable breach of trust and I'm a swinger who enjoys swapping but only within our agreed rules which aren't many TBF.
Maybe explain to him what he has does wrong. If he sees the light without wriggling and blame shifting and immediately drops this person you might come back from it and chalk it up to miscommunication. If he persists in trying to involve them I really do think you should walk away. It was supposed to be a shared pursuit and fantasy anything less isn't enough. There are many more potential new partners out there to settle for less than amazing no matter how kinky or niche your fun is.

No he sent 2 pics of my face to her nothing else, i didn't know she sent me them, he said he was seeing me and it was nothing serious on the messages.
The fact he cut me out is devastating, butbon Monday was so chuffed when he messaged me and thought that id be fine that theyve been messaging intimatly for weeks! ive explained to him why he's been saying he knows and that he knows what he did was wrong and he was sorry and he missed me. but he's livid ive messaged her as it was way more involved than he made out and he was basically in the first stages of getting to know someone like you would as a couple and its really hurt. And ive called him a liar and it seems to be lost on him how awful, he thinks cos he told me now that its fine, and he's said sorry so what's my problem.
he knew we had the conversation the other day about how just going on a dating site and not being upfront is awful thing to do and I refused as they have to be like minded and we both have to be involved, but he thought he knew better. And now its over as he cant deal with the fall out from it hes being really childish. He literally hadn't messaged me today to see how I was at all, which hurt. I havnt had a go ive tried to talk about it rather than point blame.
I'm going to leave it and put this down to experience and try and move on.
Last year when we started looking on special sites , we both had access but he started messaging someone and didnt mention it, and had asked her to meet us that night, now I didnt know and I explained that unless I agreed or knew I wasn't just going to be railroaded into meeting them, i wanted to be prepared he seemed to get it.
Sorry spellings all over the place, just typing as in my head.

OP’s posts: |
Lindos123 Wed 05-Aug-20 23:41:32

I meant to say the photo I saw on Facebook of him, when he updated his new Facebook account of him, he was in a pub you could tell in the background in the photo he was in a pub not with me I don’t know who he was with.

I was meant to be his fiancé but he lied twice about going out.

Sillymee Thu 06-Aug-20 01:47:23

Definitely don’t get back with him! What a knob! He’s basically using the fact you discussed a threesome as an excuse to message a girl for weeks and weeks but there weren’t three of you involved! There was just them two! Sharing pictures etc with her, that’s cheating in my eyes. I would be fuming. It should be an exiting experience for you both looking at places to find someone and speaking to them together, most messaging sites Facebook,insta, WhatsApp etc all have group message facilities where the three of you could be chatting/etc to see if you wanted to go further! He’s a liar, and a big Bratty baby, 100% he will be thinking if he finishes with you and dramatically drops your stuff the same day and ignores you that the fear will kick in and you will be like ok let’s forget it all, so he gets off Scott free the manipulative toad. RUN A MILE. Do not message him, have a good cry, do something fun with a friend, get rid of any of his stuff at yours,
Keep yourself busy and count yourself
Lucky it was in the first 2 years and not ten years later with lots of ties to each other. You deserve better!!! smilexx

louBert269 Thu 06-Aug-20 18:10:16

Sillymee

Definitely don’t get back with him! What a knob! He’s basically using the fact you discussed a threesome as an excuse to message a girl for weeks and weeks but there weren’t three of you involved! There was just them two! Sharing pictures etc with her, that’s cheating in my eyes. I would be fuming. It should be an exiting experience for you both looking at places to find someone and speaking to them together, most messaging sites Facebook,insta, WhatsApp etc all have group message facilities where the three of you could be chatting/etc to see if you wanted to go further! He’s a liar, and a big Bratty baby, 100% he will be thinking if he finishes with you and dramatically drops your stuff the same day and ignores you that the fear will kick in and you will be like ok let’s forget it all, so he gets off Scott free the manipulative toad. RUN A MILE. Do not message him, have a good cry, do something fun with a friend, get rid of any of his stuff at yours,
Keep yourself busy and count yourself
Lucky it was in the first 2 years and not ten years later with lots of ties to each other. You deserve better!!! smilexx

Thankyou, its exactly how I feel! Like hes manipulating me into. Eing sorry for something he's done, im so angry he cant even allow a conversation about it accept that an apology isnt enough. I havnt messaged and I wont, I know my worth xx

OP’s posts: |

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