Thinking about ending things

[DimidDavilby]

I just wanted to create a place to put all my thoughts together. I feel like I desperate for the relationship to work so I instantly forget fights or nasty things said and done. I'm at the end of my tether though. I really want him to stop shouting and swearing at me in front of the kids. It's so horrible and must be so damaging for them and I don't know why he doesn't see that.

I feel completely trapped here. The tennency is in both our names. I've asked him to leave and he won't. My family are hundreds of miles away. I hope that they would help me if I asked but my mum is about to have an operation so I can't ask now. Also she really likes him. She thinks all the problems are my fault. Maybe she is right.

I've decided to start recording everything. We just had a huge argument because he said I reacted badly to him wanting to go upstairs. I was just overwhelmed trying to feed the baby and the toddler trying to feed also. I didn't even say anything but apparently my face said it all and I've set him up to fail. I said that it was fine for him to go though. Instead he stayed and we fought. I don't know how to better control my face I wish I could. I feel like he's reading my thoughts.

I told him I wanted him to take more responsibility around the house. He was really angry about that and says he does half of everything. It's not true at all and I've tried to explain the mental load thing a million times but it never gets through.

I'm just so tired of being shouted at. I'm trying so hard to just get things done whether he helps or not but it saps all my energy him being like that. It takes all the emotional energy I need to be a good mum and I hate him for that.

He says I have a personality disorder. I don't know if it's true. He has ptsd and smokes weed all the time. I think that's why he is so angry. I don't know how to talk to him about anything because he just gets shouty and cuts me off.

Sorry this is more of a rant than anything. I'm going to write things in here as they happen and record it so I don't forget it all. Then hopefully I'll have enough to make my mind up.

[Fishfingersandwichplease]

Sounds a bit toxic to me OP. Leaving is easier said than done but it sounds as if for yours and your kids' sakes, that is probably what needs to happen. The negative energy in the house is no good for anyone and if you can't even talk to him, then it won't get any better. Hasn't he got anywhere he can go? Feel awful for you, it sounds horrible xx

[DimidDavilby]

He doesn't get on with his mum and his other family is quite far away. He does have friends but he wouldn't ask them. He says I'm trying to kill him by throwing him out into a pandemic. He's not vulnerable though. I don't want to take the kids away from him. He is a good dad and loves them very much. I don't want them to not have a dad and grow up damaged. I don't know where the line is where it's better to stay for their sake.

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

Why are you so bloody desperate to make this work at all?.
What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?.

BTW you state your mother likes him; is that because she and he are very similar?. Abusive men like you describe too can and do fool people in the outside world and besides which your mother does not live with him. Your mother as well does not sound supportive either which is partly also why you got with this person in the first place; it could well be a repeat of what you know.

This is NOT working and will never work out; all you will end up with here is further emotional damage to your own self and your kids who are also caught up in their dad's private based war against you.

When and how was he diagnosed with PTSD?.

Smoking weed as he is doing as well is making any and all underlying paranoia far worse. You are living with a volatile and ticking time bomb of a man here and a man at that who does not give a shit about causing you emotional harm.

The only surefire way you are going to get him out is to involve the police and have him removed citing domestic violence which is also what you are describing here.

If he was indeed a good dad, he would not be abusing you at all and otherwise grinding you down as a mother.

How is this man at all a good dad when he is abusing you and in turn your kids day in day out?. Women in poor relationships often write the good dad comment as well when they can think of nothing else positive to write about their man.

Staying basically for your children here is a terrible idea and will not benefit them or you. What do you want to teach them about relationships and what are they learning here?. Their house should be a sanctuary; it is really anything but and the smell of cannabis is pervasive as well. Your children will indeed grow up to be further emotionally harmed by seeing you (and in turn them) being abused by their dad.

HE is the one here citing depression (many abusive men use depression as an excuse for their abuse) and tells you wrongly that you have a personality disorder. He is the disordered of thinking one here, not you.

Better to be from a so called "broken home" than to remain in one for your own reasons; you and he now certainly need to be apart permanently. This relationship is over anyway because of his abuses towards you and in turn your kids.

Please seek help from the likes of your local domestic violence support group, the Police and Womens Aid. There is only one way this will go further and that is down. Do not do this to yourself or put your kids through this any more.

[DimidDavilby]

No it's not like that he's never really hit me or anything like that. He's just very angry. We're not communicating well. He's even run me a bath just.

My parents separated when I was a small child because of my dad's abusive behaviour to my mum. He abused me after that in contact time. I was very promiscuous as a teenager I think because of my dad's rejection. I want to avoid that for my daughter. I want her to have a good relationship with her dad. If I left I'd have to move hundreds of miles away probably. It would be easier if he would leave.

My mum likes him because he's very likeable? He's funny and talkative and impressive. He might not be wrong about the personality disorder-- we found it in my medical notes "marked characteristics of an emotionally unstable personality". He's been properly diagnosed with ptsd but he isn't receiving treatment.

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

He is not going to leave quietly if at all; as mentioned you will have to employ legal means to get him out.

Abuse is not just physical in nature. I note too your parents separated due to abuse when you were a child. None of that nor the abuse suffered by you since was your fault in any way. BTW have you ever had counselling?. You grew up seeing abuse and were abused too, this man is a continuation of that. Many abusers can be charming and are quite plausible to those in the outside world, that is what your mother sees. Your mother does not live with this man day to day and does not know what happens behind closed doors.

Abuse is not about communication or a perceived lack of; it is about power and control. This man wants absolute over you and in turn your children. Staying with him means a continuation of harm to you and your children. You are in a dangerous situation re this man, make no mistake here. He is and remains volatile and is using cannabis to medicate his PTSD. How many professionals are aware he is using cannabis daily?. None I daresay and abuse like this thrives on secrecy too.

[hellsbellsmelons]

He is a good dad and loves them very much
No he doesn't.
As we say on here all the time, any man who loves his kids would not abuse their mother in front of them.
What he is doing is abusing you and his DC.
That is NOT love. Not of any of you.
He's an abusive addict!
You do need to make an exit plan.
Please do contact Womens Aid and have a chat with them.
Shelter would be a good call to make as well do discuss housing possibilities.
But don't allow your DC to grow up in an abusive environment with a drug addict!

[CuntyMcBollocks]

Your kids won't be damaged if they grow up without a dad - they'll be damaged growing up with a dad who is toxic. You need to get yourself and your children out of that environment and then arrange him seeing them if you think its safe

[DimidDavilby]

This morning he fell over a potty of wee. He was so angry he headbutted the wall three times, so hard it shook the room. I know my son saw.

I have told him these angry outbursts are damaging for the children. He says that I am just as bad and its true that sometimes I lose my cool and shout back at him when he's being so awful. If I had emptied the potty straight away it wouldn't have happened though. He's right about that. It's almost always something in the morning though. Yesterday it was because I didn't run to get the toddler out of his study fast enough. Even though I was already hodlding him when he kicked off.

I'm finding it so hard to reconcile with the man that I love so much. He's nice at least half the time, usually more. Is it possible for him to reform? I know that I have to change also.

[TwentyViginti]

Why didn't HE empty the potty? He sounds unhinged, repeatedly banging his head hard against the wall like that. Your poor son, having to witness that.

[CodenameVillanelle]

He's abusing you and the children. We can help you plan to get out. Are you ready?

[CodenameVillanelle]

I'm finding it so hard to reconcile with the man that I love so much. He's nice at least half the time, usually more. Is it possible for him to reform? I know that I have to change also.

All abusers are nice some of the time. Is he going to change? No.

[DimidDavilby]

I don't know if I am ready. I think that's why I started the thread. To try to get ready. Like a week ago I thought it was just ptsd symptoms and not his fault. But I read something the other day which got me thinking that actually it doesn't matter why it is. It's still not OK. I told him today he was being abusive which felt like a big step. I don't know if he believes me though.

[DimidDavilby]

He came downstairs and I felt the chill in my heart and double checked the potty was in the right place. I remember it with my dad that cold feeling when you know you're about to get wrong.

[DimidDavilby]

I'm just so sad about it. I don't want to have to leave. I want things to be nice like I know they can be.

He says its because I make him feel shit about himself all the time. I think some of it is his mental health though not me. I will hold my hands up and say that since we have had the kids I do have less time for him. I know he loves them but in terms of our relationship I think he prefered it before.

I don't know where to find the energy from. Our daughter is only 3 months old. I have nowhere else to go. We are on contract here until January.

[DimidDavilby]

Could my health visitor help do you think @codenameVillanelle or would they automatically pass to SS?

Does anyone know if I had already moved near to my family, can the courts force me to return with the kids?

[OneFootintheRave]

@DimidDavilby

This morning he fell over a potty of wee. He was so angry he headbutted the wall three times, so hard it shook the room. I know my son saw.

I have told him these angry outbursts are damaging for the children. He says that I am just as bad and its true that sometimes I lose my cool and shout back at him when he's being so awful. If I had emptied the potty straight away it wouldn't have happened though. He's right about that. It's almost always something in the morning though. Yesterday it was because I didn't run to get the toddler out of his study fast enough. Even though I was already hodlding him when he kicked off.

I'm finding it so hard to reconcile with the man that I love so much. He's nice at least half the time, usually more. Is it possible for him to reform? I know that I have to change also.

Oh wow OP. This is so extreme and far from OK. Head butting the wall? This would have scared me and terrified the kids. That surely was a line crossed there. It's not you, it's him.

[dublingirl66]

I fled an abusive man
Your story is very similar to mine sadly

He was as bad as yours is
Mine then became physical

You need to get him out or leave

If you leave and move away you can try to push for supervised access

It does not sound safe with this man at all
Sorry 😢😢😢😢

[LilyWater]

OP please contact women's aid for advice, they wont pressure you to leave or anything if that's what you're not ready for but they will offer a good listening ear and practical advice as they're familiar with the sort of situation you describe.

[DimidDavilby]

Is it volunteers that you talk to if you ring them? I know it sounds really stupid but I had a horrible experience ringing the childline as a child. I'm not sure I even believe its abuse myself. He certainly wouldn't say so.

[DimidDavilby]

He's done it again this morning, headbutted the wall in front of the kids. Shouting about how I make him suicidal.

He says that I shouldn't call it that, that headbutting isnt the right word. He's hitting his head off the wall and that is different. I don't think it is though but I don't know. I hate how I can go into a conversation completely convinced of not doing something and by the time he's finished I'm apologising to him for it. I've started recording some of our fights.

This morning I talked over him. He always does it to me. Every discussion as soon as I try and make a point he's right in there. But it enraged him this morning. Triggering his ptsd by doing it.

[DimidDavilby]

Its always my face that gets him. I wouldnt challenge him but where I don't look happy about something he'll notice and then he will start.

He keeps telling me I'm abusive but I don't think I am. He says I think too much of myself. That I'm a shit person.

[DimidDavilby]

I really don't want to sign for another year's tennency with him. It's up in January and I promised myself I wouldn't. I don't know how I would tell him that though.

I've tried talking to my mum about it again but she just says he is ill and I need to be more understanding.

[MeMarmiteYouJam]

@DimidDavilby

I really don't want to sign for another year's tennency with him. It's up in January and I promised myself I wouldn't. I don't know how I would tell him that though.

I've tried talking to my mum about it again but she just says he is ill and I need to be more understanding.

Do you have a safe space to ring Women's Aid? They can advise you better on what to do next - I wouldn't want to sign up for another year's tenancy with him, either.

[MoreLikeThis]

You need to leave.it'a an extremely difficult thing to do but you need to leave fir your children and for you. That sick feeling that you used to feel around your Dad when you were a kid is what your children will grow up feeling around there Dad. You can't do that to your children.
Think how relaxed and safe you will feel once you leave him.
Can your family help you?
Do this before either of you sign up for the new lease.
This won't be easy. Good luck

[Weirdfan]

I don't know how I would tell him that though.

You need to go just before the tenancy expires then, get in touch with WA and start making a safe plan to leave, this is your chance. I don't think you do tell him, just get yourself away and deal with the fallout afterwards.

You do need to think about some stuff though, is he on DC's birth certificates? If so and you're planning on going far away you need some legal advice about his access to DC. Rights of Women give free legal advice and WA should be able to help too, are you able to make calls in private?

What he's doing categorically is abuse though OP, please don't doubt that or go down the route of 'it's not that bad/he doesn't hit me/WA have more deserving people to help' because you and DC are suffering and being damaged by his anger and abuse of you. Head butting the wall (and yes head butting is the right term) is a threat, he's showing you what he could do to you if he chose to. It's a way of putting you back in your box and making you shut up and it is most definitely abusive, as is the shouting and twisting things to be your fault, oh and the 'you're a shit person', all abusive 100%.

You know you can't sign that tenancy agreement so I really think you have to act now. I know it's hard when you're still clinging to the 'nice' times and the hope that he'll just stop the abuse and be nice all the time but you know deep down he won't. Whether that's because he can't or because he chooses not to doesn't matter, you can't carry on absorbing his rage and letting it damage you and DC, you deserve better