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Thinking about ending things

(20 Posts)
DimidDavilby Tue 04-Aug-20 12:54:09

I just wanted to create a place to put all my thoughts together. I feel like I desperate for the relationship to work so I instantly forget fights or nasty things said and done. I'm at the end of my tether though. I really want him to stop shouting and swearing at me in front of the kids. It's so horrible and must be so damaging for them and I don't know why he doesn't see that.

I feel completely trapped here. The tennency is in both our names. I've asked him to leave and he won't. My family are hundreds of miles away. I hope that they would help me if I asked but my mum is about to have an operation so I can't ask now. Also she really likes him. She thinks all the problems are my fault. Maybe she is right.

I've decided to start recording everything. We just had a huge argument because he said I reacted badly to him wanting to go upstairs. I was just overwhelmed trying to feed the baby and the toddler trying to feed also. I didn't even say anything but apparently my face said it all and I've set him up to fail. I said that it was fine for him to go though. Instead he stayed and we fought. I don't know how to better control my face I wish I could. I feel like he's reading my thoughts.

I told him I wanted him to take more responsibility around the house. He was really angry about that and says he does half of everything. It's not true at all and I've tried to explain the mental load thing a million times but it never gets through.

I'm just so tired of being shouted at. I'm trying so hard to just get things done whether he helps or not but it saps all my energy him being like that. It takes all the emotional energy I need to be a good mum and I hate him for that.

He says I have a personality disorder. I don't know if it's true. He has ptsd and smokes weed all the time. I think that's why he is so angry. I don't know how to talk to him about anything because he just gets shouty and cuts me off.

Sorry this is more of a rant than anything. I'm going to write things in here as they happen and record it so I don't forget it all. Then hopefully I'll have enough to make my mind up.

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Fishfingersandwichplease Tue 04-Aug-20 12:57:22

Sounds a bit toxic to me OP. Leaving is easier said than done but it sounds as if for yours and your kids' sakes, that is probably what needs to happen. The negative energy in the house is no good for anyone and if you can't even talk to him, then it won't get any better. Hasn't he got anywhere he can go? Feel awful for you, it sounds horrible xx

DimidDavilby Tue 04-Aug-20 13:06:03

He doesn't get on with his mum and his other family is quite far away. He does have friends but he wouldn't ask them. He says I'm trying to kill him by throwing him out into a pandemic. He's not vulnerable though. I don't want to take the kids away from him. He is a good dad and loves them very much. I don't want them to not have a dad and grow up damaged. I don't know where the line is where it's better to stay for their sake.

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AttilaTheMeerkat Tue 04-Aug-20 14:07:57

Why are you so bloody desperate to make this work at all?.
What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?.

BTW you state your mother likes him; is that because she and he are very similar?. Abusive men like you describe too can and do fool people in the outside world and besides which your mother does not live with him. Your mother as well does not sound supportive either which is partly also why you got with this person in the first place; it could well be a repeat of what you know.

This is NOT working and will never work out; all you will end up with here is further emotional damage to your own self and your kids who are also caught up in their dad's private based war against you.

When and how was he diagnosed with PTSD?.

Smoking weed as he is doing as well is making any and all underlying paranoia far worse. You are living with a volatile and ticking time bomb of a man here and a man at that who does not give a shit about causing you emotional harm.

The only surefire way you are going to get him out is to involve the police and have him removed citing domestic violence which is also what you are describing here.

If he was indeed a good dad, he would not be abusing you at all and otherwise grinding you down as a mother.

How is this man at all a good dad when he is abusing you and in turn your kids day in day out?. Women in poor relationships often write the good dad comment as well when they can think of nothing else positive to write about their man.

Staying basically for your children here is a terrible idea and will not benefit them or you. What do you want to teach them about relationships and what are they learning here?. Their house should be a sanctuary; it is really anything but and the smell of cannabis is pervasive as well. Your children will indeed grow up to be further emotionally harmed by seeing you (and in turn them) being abused by their dad.

HE is the one here citing depression (many abusive men use depression as an excuse for their abuse) and tells you wrongly that you have a personality disorder. He is the disordered of thinking one here, not you.

Better to be from a so called "broken home" than to remain in one for your own reasons; you and he now certainly need to be apart permanently. This relationship is over anyway because of his abuses towards you and in turn your kids.

Please seek help from the likes of your local domestic violence support group, the Police and Womens Aid. There is only one way this will go further and that is down. Do not do this to yourself or put your kids through this any more.

DimidDavilby Tue 04-Aug-20 14:40:05

No it's not like that he's never really hit me or anything like that. He's just very angry. We're not communicating well. He's even run me a bath just.

My parents separated when I was a small child because of my dad's abusive behaviour to my mum. He abused me after that in contact time. I was very promiscuous as a teenager I think because of my dad's rejection. I want to avoid that for my daughter. I want her to have a good relationship with her dad. If I left I'd have to move hundreds of miles away probably. It would be easier if he would leave.

My mum likes him because he's very likeable? He's funny and talkative and impressive. He might not be wrong about the personality disorder-- we found it in my medical notes "marked characteristics of an emotionally unstable personality". He's been properly diagnosed with ptsd but he isn't receiving treatment.

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AttilaTheMeerkat Tue 04-Aug-20 14:50:38

He is not going to leave quietly if at all; as mentioned you will have to employ legal means to get him out.

Abuse is not just physical in nature. I note too your parents separated due to abuse when you were a child. None of that nor the abuse suffered by you since was your fault in any way. BTW have you ever had counselling?. You grew up seeing abuse and were abused too, this man is a continuation of that. Many abusers can be charming and are quite plausible to those in the outside world, that is what your mother sees. Your mother does not live with this man day to day and does not know what happens behind closed doors.

Abuse is not about communication or a perceived lack of; it is about power and control. This man wants absolute over you and in turn your children. Staying with him means a continuation of harm to you and your children. You are in a dangerous situation re this man, make no mistake here. He is and remains volatile and is using cannabis to medicate his PTSD. How many professionals are aware he is using cannabis daily?. None I daresay and abuse like this thrives on secrecy too.

hellsbellsmelons Tue 04-Aug-20 15:38:45

He is a good dad and loves them very much
No he doesn't.
As we say on here all the time, any man who loves his kids would not abuse their mother in front of them.
What he is doing is abusing you and his DC.
That is NOT love. Not of any of you.
He's an abusive addict!
You do need to make an exit plan.
Please do contact Womens Aid and have a chat with them.
Shelter would be a good call to make as well do discuss housing possibilities.
But don't allow your DC to grow up in an abusive environment with a drug addict!

CuntyMcBollocks Tue 04-Aug-20 18:27:44

Your kids won't be damaged if they grow up without a dad - they'll be damaged growing up with a dad who is toxic. You need to get yourself and your children out of that environment and then arrange him seeing them if you think its safe

DimidDavilby Fri 07-Aug-20 10:00:29

This morning he fell over a potty of wee. He was so angry he headbutted the wall three times, so hard it shook the room. I know my son saw.

I have told him these angry outbursts are damaging for the children. He says that I am just as bad and its true that sometimes I lose my cool and shout back at him when he's being so awful. If I had emptied the potty straight away it wouldn't have happened though. He's right about that. It's almost always something in the morning though. Yesterday it was because I didn't run to get the toddler out of his study fast enough. Even though I was already hodlding him when he kicked off.

I'm finding it so hard to reconcile with the man that I love so much. He's nice at least half the time, usually more. Is it possible for him to reform? I know that I have to change also.

OP’s posts: |
TwentyViginti Fri 07-Aug-20 10:06:53

Why didn't HE empty the potty? He sounds unhinged, repeatedly banging his head hard against the wall like that. Your poor son, having to witness that.

CodenameVillanelle Fri 07-Aug-20 10:07:57

He's abusing you and the children. We can help you plan to get out. Are you ready?

CodenameVillanelle Fri 07-Aug-20 10:08:33

I'm finding it so hard to reconcile with the man that I love so much. He's nice at least half the time, usually more. Is it possible for him to reform? I know that I have to change also.

All abusers are nice some of the time. Is he going to change? No.

DimidDavilby Fri 07-Aug-20 11:30:51

I don't know if I am ready. I think that's why I started the thread. To try to get ready. Like a week ago I thought it was just ptsd symptoms and not his fault. But I read something the other day which got me thinking that actually it doesn't matter why it is. It's still not OK. I told him today he was being abusive which felt like a big step. I don't know if he believes me though.

OP’s posts: |
DimidDavilby Fri 07-Aug-20 11:40:17

He came downstairs and I felt the chill in my heart and double checked the potty was in the right place. I remember it with my dad that cold feeling when you know you're about to get wrong.

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DimidDavilby Fri 07-Aug-20 12:40:55

I'm just so sad about it. I don't want to have to leave. I want things to be nice like I know they can be.

He says its because I make him feel shit about himself all the time. I think some of it is his mental health though not me. I will hold my hands up and say that since we have had the kids I do have less time for him. I know he loves them but in terms of our relationship I think he prefered it before.

I don't know where to find the energy from. Our daughter is only 3 months old. I have nowhere else to go. We are on contract here until January.

OP’s posts: |
DimidDavilby Fri 07-Aug-20 13:26:23

Could my health visitor help do you think @codenameVillanelle or would they automatically pass to SS?

Does anyone know if I had already moved near to my family, can the courts force me to return with the kids?

OP’s posts: |
OneFootintheRave Fri 07-Aug-20 13:57:39

DimidDavilby

This morning he fell over a potty of wee. He was so angry he headbutted the wall three times, so hard it shook the room. I know my son saw.

I have told him these angry outbursts are damaging for the children. He says that I am just as bad and its true that sometimes I lose my cool and shout back at him when he's being so awful. If I had emptied the potty straight away it wouldn't have happened though. He's right about that. It's almost always something in the morning though. Yesterday it was because I didn't run to get the toddler out of his study fast enough. Even though I was already hodlding him when he kicked off.

I'm finding it so hard to reconcile with the man that I love so much. He's nice at least half the time, usually more. Is it possible for him to reform? I know that I have to change also.


Oh wow OP. This is so extreme and far from OK. Head butting the wall? This would have scared me and terrified the kids. That surely was a line crossed there. It's not you, it's him.

dublingirl66 Fri 07-Aug-20 14:03:30

I fled an abusive man
Your story is very similar to mine sadly

He was as bad as yours is
Mine then became physical

You need to get him out or leave

If you leave and move away you can try to push for supervised access

It does not sound safe with this man at all
Sorry 😢😢😢😢

LilyWater Fri 07-Aug-20 16:50:43

OP please contact women's aid for advice, they wont pressure you to leave or anything if that's what you're not ready for but they will offer a good listening ear and practical advice as they're familiar with the sort of situation you describe.

DimidDavilby Fri 07-Aug-20 23:22:37

Is it volunteers that you talk to if you ring them? I know it sounds really stupid but I had a horrible experience ringing the childline as a child. I'm not sure I even believe its abuse myself. He certainly wouldn't say so.

OP’s posts: |

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