AIBU to ask you to be kind with your answers? TW Abuse - I think?

[pepsicolagirl]

I don't know where to start so I apologise if I drip feed. I found out the other day that my husband of 8 yrs (together 18) has been calling me nasty names like Lazy Fat Bitch behind my back to our 14yo daughter. Is this deemed to be abuse?! I want to tell him its legally seen as abuse and that he needs to stop but I don't know if it actually is?

I work from home, ran my own business pre lockdown but its hospitality stuff so no work from that until very recently and I took on full time hours temping for another company to make ends meet. OH pays the mortgage and bills as he has a much higher and much more regular income than I do. This was his idea. I pay for things the kids need like clothing etc. I do all of the shopping, cooking and the majority of the housework (except the gardening which he does but very vocally hates doing).

When he is unhappy the whole house knows it. It's hard to explain without me feeling like I'm going nuts but he kind of just goes really silent and huffy but doesn't actually address the problem?! If I try he just makes me feel like I am overthinking and it leaves me feeling anxious for days. He won't do anything socially, if he has come along to things in the past most of the time he will find an excuse to get into a bad mood and leave. I have taken to making sure I drive to places if we go together purely so I know I can get home. If I want to go out on the weekend if we have a day off together he doesn't want to come along - I don't mean a full day out I mean even a walk around our local park.

Anyway, after our daughter told me what he said I just couldn't face an argument (I know how this makes me sound. I hate that I feel so weak) so I just didn't really speak to him other than when I had to. I just felt like I was going to break down and I didn't want to do that. He works from home too at the moment. This morning he got up and said goodbye to our 5yr old (I was in the room too) so I asked where he was going (?) and he replied he was having to travel to a factory up north for work and didn't know when he would be back. Its not unusual for him to go away for a night for work but usually it is planned in advance and he would actually tell me.

I just don't know what to do. Has anyone been through this sort of thing and come out with their marriage intact?
I have no family or friends to go to, no savings, no pension, joint mortgage but he pays it and I feel like I have to put up and shut up to keep my children in a family unit and I feel so sad at the moment.

[WorraLiberty]

No, it's not illegal to call someone a fat lazy bitch behind their back.

But why are you bothered about legalities?

It sounds like your marriage is pretty dead but you don't have to put up with it. As difficult as it would be, you can divorce him if you think it's not worth saving.

You would both have to want to save it though.

[pepsicolagirl]

I think it was more whether saying those things to a child is deemed legally as abuse rather than the names themselves if that makes sense. Sorry if I didn't make myself clear.
Why? because if I just ask him not to he probably won't take me seriously. I don't know.

Divorcing him sounds so easy. It doesn't feel it. It feels like an impossible feat and I haven't the first idea how the hell to be single (practically speaking at least)

[SuckingDownDarjeeling]

You must feel really down, I'm sorry. That's a lot to have to deal with and you've been putting up with it for so long. I know what you mean about the 'huff' treatment and being made to feel like you're overthinking things. You need an outlet. I'm glad you came here and I hope lots more people with experience have advice for you. I feel angry on your behalf that he just told you he's fucking off up north for a few days and gone on his way. I just don't want you to think that you're wrong for feeling the way you do - you're not wrong, you have a lot to process.

[SuckingDownDarjeeling]

Do you have anywhere you can go with the children so you don't have to be there when he gets back? I really think you need time to sort your thoughts out and make plans

[FudgeBrownie2019]

You adjust your own behaviour to minimise his bad moods and minimise his anger. You are on eggshells because his emotions are so unpredictable. He verbally abuses you. He gaslights you and minimises your (entirely valid) feelings.

All of these things are wrong. All of these things are him actively choosing his behaviour. All of these things are disgusting and all of these things mean you have every right to ask him to leave and build a life of your own without him undermining your happiness.

Being part of a family doesn't mean you need to have a DH or partner. Your DC don't need a Dad who lives with you if his behaviour impacts so negatively on the happiness of everyone in the home. Please think very hard about what you do next, and why you want to continue to have a future with someone who values you so little.

[pepsicolagirl]

I don't honestly know if I do want a future with him. Is someone like that capable of stepping up and dealing with their moods? I am not sure they are.

He pays the mortgage etc so I don't think I can ask him to leave. We have a joint mortgage so I have been told I won't be assisted if I leave of my own accord. I think that's why I feel so stuck. Because I am!

[Dragongirl10]

Op he sounds like a nasty abusive ignorant pig...l am furious on your behalf.

How dare he, please, please find a way to leave.

[SuckingDownDarjeeling]

I don't mean to be provocative or upset you, but are you entirely convinced that he's gone away for work? If my husband was behaving like that and then just buggered off, I would automatically suspect infidelity tbh.

[RUOKHon]

It’s emotional abuse. It’s not ‘illegal’ per se. But it is wholly unacceptable in a relationship and a valid reason for ending one

Emotional abusers feel good when they make others feel bad, so are unlikely to stop or change their behaviour. It’s pointless to try and make them.

[PlanDeRaccordement]

YANBU to feel miserable with such a grumpy and sour man, but swearing about you behind your back is not abuse of any kind.

It at worst could be parental alienation- attempts to turn your DC against you but that usually applies after a split not before.

You don’t need to have been abused to actively dislike your partner or to have cause to end the relationship. It might be salavagable if he is willing to go to counselling with you to go over these areas of conflict and poor communication. But again, you are under no obligation to salvage the relationship or put up with his grumpiness.

[pepsicolagirl]

@SuckingDownDarjeeling

I don't mean to be provocative or upset you, but are you entirely convinced that he's gone away for work? If my husband was behaving like that and then just buggered off, I would automatically suspect infidelity tbh.

Yes 100% convinced it's work. Tbh and I know this sounds awful but if he was to tell me he was leaving for an OW I would be so relieved

[pepsicolagirl]

well I messaged him and told him how I was feeling and he has come back and said our daughter should learn not to repeat everything she hears and also that any problems are all in my head and I am overreacting massively.
The name calling thing last happened btw when I was out doing the family food shop and he got into a mood because we didn't have bread in and he was so hungry he felt faint because he had left it til 4pm before he thought about food... he is 42.
I have gone back with a list of all of the things he does that make us feel on edge or ruins time together and also mentioned that he constantly refers to our home as HIS house. I also said there's a massive difference between being lazy and not wanting to do what he wants me to do.
He has come back with "well sell the house and go and live in one room so you don't have to be a grown up then. YOUR problems are in your head, leave me out of it"

[SuckingDownDarjeeling]

I'm sorry @pepsicolagirl , I'm not saying this lightly. Your husband is disgusting. Reading that made me sick. Please, take some time to really think about your next steps. You can't live like this, especially with your daughter.

[PlanDeRaccordement]

Messaging lists of things you hate about your DH is the absolute worst way to try and work things out.
Your DH is acting just as childish as you are.
You might want to contact a professional counsellor to help both of you.

[pepsicolagirl]

@PlanDeRaccordement

Messaging lists of things you hate about your DH is the absolute worst way to try and work things out.
Your DH is acting just as childish as you are.
You might want to contact a professional counsellor to help both of you.

I wasn't trying to be childish. I was trying to make clear to him why it wasn't all in my head.

[pepsicolagirl]

@PlanDeRaccordement

Messaging lists of things you hate about your DH is the absolute worst way to try and work things out.
Your DH is acting just as childish as you are.
You might want to contact a professional counsellor to help both of you.

I do appreciate your POV though. I wouldn't usually send messages like that but I think I wanted to just say what I needed to say without interruption or getting my words muddled. I think I just had a moment when he said it was in my head where I had just had enough and I felt braver than usual.
He has replied and said that actually they don't need him on site so he is on his way home. I don't feel quite so brave now so yes, perhaps it was a mistake to say how I felt like that.

[Lelophants]

I dont know if it's illegal. I'd say it was very unkind to your child and you and not good for her mentally. Does he only care about legality? Sounds awful op.

[Lolapusht]

OP, I’d maybe ask to have your post moved over to Relationships. Report the post to MNHQ and they’ll move it. There are quite a few issues in your post that makes it sound like you could be in an abusive relationship. Pop over to Relationships and you’ll find lots of helpful, sympathetic and useful advice.

[Emeraldshamrock]

I don't know if name calling is abusive but I believe the moody silent treatment is especially when it affects others in the home.
He doesn't sound very nice I'd be very pissed off he was sharing this stuff with DD wtf is he thinking.
He's controlling and disrespectful.

[Emeraldshamrock]

I don't know if name calling is abusive
Apologies I meant illegal. It is abusive.
Is there any family you can stay with? Is there a big mortgage on the house? Can you sell get a small place for the two of you.

[LittleGwyneth]

I'm so sorry, you must be feeling so hurt. I agree with PP who suggested you have this moved to relationships. I think people on AIBU can be quite brutal, and you sound like you need a bit of gentle handling (understandably).

[SpongeBobJudgeyPants]

It is abusive, and he is involving your daughter in it, which is really unfair, and he is gaslighting you.
My XH went this route. Note the X... When men resort to calling you those types of names (And XH was once laid in bed, pretending to be asleep, mutter, Fat Bitch....then denied he was awake) they have lost all respect for you and the marriage.
It was a lot easier and pleasanter being a single parent, and tbh with universal credit I wasn't much worse off financially.

[MitziK]

Sell the house, he says?

Brilliant idea. Make an appointment with a solicitor and get the divorce ball rolling.

[LilyMumsnet]

We're just moving this over to relationships for the OP.

[pepsicolagirl]

he's just walked in with a face like thunder and basically said that I'm OTT and what do I want to do about it because obviously its me with the problem.
He knows I cannot afford to leave him and he will not go.