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Don't want financial resentment

(35 Posts)
MizMoonshine Tue 04-Aug-20 11:06:48

Don't want to drip feed, this is probably going to be long and boring.

DP and I are due a baby imminently. I have a son from a previous relationship.
I've been made redundant, after receiving my redundancy payment at the end of this month I will have no income.

My partner has a comfortable income. He's got good job security. He has regular overtime (constantly has to travel for work) which amounts to between 1 and 3 thousand pcm.

He has a hefty amount of savings, enough to give us a good house deposit.

He also owns a house, 5 bed detached, about an hours drive away. However, he is trying to sell this house (it's been on the market for two years at a ridiculous price, as his ex wife demanded it). Since they have divorced she is not communicating with him, ignoring his direct communication as well as solicitor.

With his ex wife, their marriage only lasted 6 months. The house was entirely paid for by him (he sold his other house, that he owned before meeting her to make up the deposit). She, legally, has no claim to any financial gain from the sale of the property due to the length of the marriage and having made no financial contribution to the purchase or subsequent upkeep of the house. But they have a joint mortgage. Since finding out she won't likely get a penny from the sale, she's just chosen not to engage, which means he can't progress with selling the house. Can't lower the price, can't accept an offer. He's stuck with the bloody thing.

This is where the problem is for us. We live in Wales, he's currently staying with me and my son (and soon to be our baby) in my mother's 3 bed house. As you can imagine, it's a bit tight. But we're managing. Mum has company, we have a roof.

We can't move to his due to my son's school and my family being close by. My son has had a lot of change in his 8 years and is finally settled in a school and is happy in this area, especially being so close to family (mine and his father's). My dad died last year, they were very close. He adores living with his nan (who has epilepsy, one of the reasons we moved in with her and one of the reasons it's important to be close by).

DP and I have been looking at houses. We've found one that we could technically afford. It meets our basic requirements and it's ready to move into, wouldn't need any immediate work at all. It's a five minute walk from my mother's house, closer even to my son's school.

When I say we can technically afford it, we can afford it quite easily with his overtime. However, based on just his basic salary, two mortgages running side by side (and all the additional costs that go along with them), maintaining a four person family, running the car blah blah blah he's going to have little to no disposable income left.

He's working 12 hour days between actual work and travel. Having no disposable income is going to slowly but surely kill him overtime, I feel. I said it's not a good move right now. He argues that we can't just sit where we are indefinitely.

We have until April to be here at my mum's, before she has planned work starting on the house and it's going to become unlivable. She is hoping we have a place so that she can come and stay with us.

However, with his ex not co-operating, he's lumbered with two mortgages, has used his savings on a second house and has no fun money. I won't be able to contribute until I can get a new job. Childcare in our area means I'll be working just to pay for it, basically. My mum can't be left with the baby, obviously, incase she has a fit.

I just worry he will come to resent the kids and I. But he's right. We can't just sit still.

What can we do?

OP’s posts: |
GhostOfMe Tue 04-Aug-20 11:39:47

Is moving out and renting an option? Not sure as different jurisdiction but where I live you can go to court and get a court order to force the house sale. Or could his ex be motivated to stop blocking the sale in return for getting a small portion of the equity? It might be worth it to avoid court and to not have to pay 2 mortgages and 2 lots of interest.

MizMoonshine Tue 04-Aug-20 11:59:28

If she would reply, he could offer her money. She just won't engage at all.
Renting would actually be more expensive PCM. We can put down a decent deposit (thanks to his savings) that would mean mortgage repayments would work out around £300 less PCM than private renting.
He wants to avoid court like the plague. It's looking like that's going to be the only option soon though. Problem is, she's over on the other side of the world.

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sukiginger Tue 04-Aug-20 12:02:10

That's very difficult OP. If you're not married you could potentially end up homeless.

Is he happy to support you, your DS and the new baby in full for the foreseeable future?

Do you get maintenance from DS dad?

MizMoonshine Tue 04-Aug-20 12:08:53

He's more than happy to support us, he doesn't seem to have any of the reservations that I do. He would want the house to be in both of our names (you'd have thought he would have learned from his position with his ex, but no).

No I don't get any maintainence from the ex. He works cash in hand (when he does work) and it's just not ever been something we have had in place.

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RandomMess Tue 04-Aug-20 12:12:46

He needs to go to court and force sale of the house, or force of having it signed over to him and her getting whatever pay out she is due even if it's something nominal like £5k if she is truly entitled to nothing.

He needs a Shit Hot Lawyer to get on and get it sorted ASAP. Why has he not done this yet?

Your vulnerable financial position can be resolved after that... do not make the mistake of not marrying and not having any financial security when you have a child together.

MizMoonshine Tue 04-Aug-20 12:17:19

He's not done it as yet because he's not wanted the stress or cost of going to court. I've tried telling him that the amount he's going to be paying out in having two mortgages plus the legal fees he's racking up every month just trying to contact her are going to do more damage. He's just got it into his head that court is the last thing he wants to do.

Honestly all legal advice he's had (at a hefty fee) has said it's a short marriage, he's got the paper trail that proves she's not contributed etc and she won't get anything from it. So in his mind it should be dealt with outside of court.

She won't play ball though. So I think you guys are right, there's not much else to be done really, is there?

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RandomMess Tue 04-Aug-20 12:21:44

No there isn't, you need to point out that if it takes years to divorce then it will no longer be a short marriage!

If he takes it to court it will be done and dusted quickly and be straightforward.

Sorry but I'd be setting an ultimatum that he gets it sorted or he will have to move out on his own. What does he thinks it says to you that he won't get his divorce finances sorted????

His ex is going to leave voluntarily whilst she ignore him and live in a large home and he foots the mortgage...

FaceOfASpink Tue 04-Aug-20 12:24:08

I don't follow this. If she's his ex wife that mans the divorce has gone through. That can't happen until the finance order is in place. But some of what you've written makes it sound as if it's not been sorted out.

MizMoonshine Tue 04-Aug-20 12:26:03

Oh they're already divorced. It went through without the financial agreement in place. She was dragging her heels, he was done with being married to her so he pressed go.

His ex left the house and pissed off to NZ in 2018. She's literally just being an arsehole for the sake of it.

OP’s posts: |
FaceOfASpink Tue 04-Aug-20 12:29:17

That's very unusual to get a divorce signed off without the financials in place. What did the solicitor advise? How did they get that past a judge?

AnneLovesGilbert Tue 04-Aug-20 12:30:08

Can you qualify for maternity allowance as you’ve been working till recently?

FaceOfASpink Tue 04-Aug-20 12:30:39

I'm asking because I thought the courts had a duty to make sure that this was all sorted before the decree absolute.

RandomMess Tue 04-Aug-20 12:31:18

It will be a 10 minute job in court, the judge can sign off on her behalf if the evidence supports that she won't engage in the process and won't be made homeless...

hellsbellsmelons Tue 04-Aug-20 12:31:23

I didn't have to go to court.
I put my case together with the solicitor. As my ExH wouldn't communicate and was in another country, the court found in my favour and that was job done.
I sold the house and got all the equity because he wouldn't engage.
It may be doable via a solicitor only.
It's a worth a go!
I'd still be married now if my solicitor hadn't sorted it out.
But it was done pretty quickly and the ExH was not best pleased but that was tough shit. I did have to pay him an amount for him to sign the documentation but that was it. The rest was mine.

MizMoonshine Tue 04-Aug-20 12:32:40

It was never required. His solicitor advised that in his situation, he wouldn't be at any detriment to go ahead with the divorce without the financial order (as his ex was already not engaging). He applied for absolute the day he was allowed to (online) and it came back the same day.
The house is the only thing to sort out now, and she's just not entertaining anything at all.

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FaceOfASpink Tue 04-Aug-20 12:32:51

hellsbells good workgrin

WellIWasInTheNeighbourhoo Tue 04-Aug-20 12:33:42

He should change the ownership to tenants in common (it only require one party to do this, you don't need her permission. This should be done anyway so she doesn't inherit it if he dies, which she will if its currently joint tenants. Set it out so that that he owns 99% and she owns 1%.

Once you are tenants in common it only takes one party to force a sale and proceeds are split by the above %.

I don't know for sure if this will work, but worth speaking to a conveyancing lawyer to check.

MizMoonshine Tue 04-Aug-20 12:34:18

@hellsbellsmelons ooh! Did not know this was an option. Was there an amount of time he had to not be engaging for?

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FaceOfASpink Tue 04-Aug-20 12:34:47

I think he does need to see a solicitor quickly then. I know there's a reciprocal arrangement with NZ about court orders etc.

Wilma55 Tue 04-Aug-20 12:35:25

Rent out the other house?

MizMoonshine Tue 04-Aug-20 12:38:56


Rent out the other house?

If only it were that easy.
The place was bought by the two of them as an investment/project. When she buggered off he decided not to do any of the work.
So it would take investment before it was at a stage where it could be let. The place is bloody huge, it's too much for us to undertake right now.

OP’s posts: |
hellsbellsmelons Tue 04-Aug-20 12:41:55

I don't think there was an amount of time.
We had been separated for 4+ years though and then I just got my shit together. Got a decent solicitor and got it sorted.

FinallyHere Tue 04-Aug-20 12:43:56

* He's not done it as yet because he's not wanted the stress or cost of going to court.*

If you are having trouble, all the legal advice is to get a court order, and he doesn't want the stress and bother, so continues to pay a pointless mortgage...

He got divorced without a financial settlement.

Not great on follow through, is he?

MizMoonshine Tue 04-Aug-20 12:45:08

Cool, thank you for the advice! Certainly feeling a little more positive about things knowing that we aren't actually nailed in place until she sees it fit to communicate.

Thank you MN

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