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Losing the will to live with OLD. Please help.

(68 Posts)
6079SmithW Tue 04-Aug-20 03:52:30

I've been single for nearly two years since ending an abusive relationship in November 2018.
I'm 45. I like my life and independence, but I'm very lonely and would like so much to meet someone.
I'm on Tinder and Bumble. I get lots of matches but after that point it's been pretty much disaster.
I've had numerous men not look like their profile pictures or be shorter or heavier than they've claimed. I've had men ask me for money. I had horrible lecherous men who have openly looked me up and down like I'm in a cattle market.
I've been asked (in the initial conversation) on several occasions my clothes or bra size, favourite sexual positions and whether I spit or swallow. And I've had the attempted bullying and verbal abuse when I refuse to answer.
One man I was video chatting with (our first conversation), suddenly lowered the camera to show he was wanking. I dated another man for nearly four months before he told me he was still with his wife.
This weekend I had a date planned with a man I've been chatting to for over five weeks. Phone calls, messages, video chats, all going really well. Then Sunday morning he just ghosts and hasn't been in contact since.
I can't take any more disappointment. I can't take any more wankers or dickheads or bastards or liars.
Please help!

OP’s posts: |
TossACoinToYerWitcher Tue 04-Aug-20 04:09:33

I’m on Tinder

Well, there’s your first problem. Think these days it’s pretty much seen as the online equivalent of what was once known as “going on the pull on a Friday/Saturday night” and attracts a similar kind of bloke.

Wecumasathree Tue 04-Aug-20 04:35:56

Get on match.com, eharmony, elite singles etc.

Yes you have to pay but you don’t gets there dregs of society you get on tinder/bumble/Pof (although those are all ace if you just want a bit of fun, but if that’s the case fan swingers is a lot less dicking about

Mintjulia Tue 04-Aug-20 05:13:00

No answers I’m afraid but I admire your determination.. wine

Seeleyboo Tue 04-Aug-20 08:13:08

The sites you mention are fuck boy sites.

Mermaidwaves Tue 04-Aug-20 08:31:28

Yep OP all this happened to me too, I've decided to have a break from it to regain my sanity! So many men claiming to want a relationship, then backtracking with a lame excuse. I'm tired of the conversations that ask my bra size or worse my dress size hmm or my favourite sexual position. I've been rejected by men that look like they live in their mums basement for being a bigger girl, its just all so depressing. I have no advice but you have my sympathy!

Skills2597 Tue 04-Aug-20 09:12:24

OP, set your bars very high and read between the lines. Know exactly what you want and stick to it. List all the words that you will not tolerate and delete and block as soon as those words comes up.

Lots of men on dating sites are married men. I too once dated a man for a few months only to get a email from his partner stating that they have children together.

GilbertMarkham Tue 04-Aug-20 09:13:31

I've been asked (in the initial conversation) on several occasions my clothes or bra size, favourite sexual positions and whether I spit or swallow.

Look at this as s good thing, these men are doing the equivalent of shouting "i want sex!!!!" and in doing so early/quickly are not wasting your time. Because you know immediately to give them no time. Vastly preferable to a sneaky, dishonest, time wasting man.

GilbertMarkham Tue 04-Aug-20 09:14:20

And I've had the attempted bullying and verbal abuse when I refuse to answer.

Just block the second they ask a sexual or similar question.

GilbertMarkham Tue 04-Aug-20 09:16:59

This weekend I had a date planned with a man I've been chatting to for over five weeks. Phone calls, messages, video chats, all going really well. Then Sunday morning he just ghosts and hasn't been in contact since.

Why are spending five weeks communicating?

Meet quickly (with safety measures .. in busy, public place, with someone knowing where you are etc).

If he can't meet quickly for a valid reason, communicate absolutely minimally until he can.

Get the first meet set up asap and font spend much time on them until it had happened and you are repeating it several times.

GilbertMarkham Tue 04-Aug-20 09:17:33

The point about these sites being identified as hookup sites is valid too.

GilbertMarkham Tue 04-Aug-20 09:22:26

I dated another man for nearly four months before he told me he was still with his wife.

192 people a d things like that are worth s check to see if the person is listed as living in a household/at an address with a female around his age (not a daughter) and not multiple different surnames so not s house share etc. It may be s bit out of date but can give you a good indication.

I'd do a good bit of snooping before you commit or have sex.

Sunshineandflipflops Tue 04-Aug-20 09:22:50

I don't agree that they are 'hookup' sites. There are people on all of the OLD sites who just want a bit of fun and there are those who are genuine. They may be harder to find but they are there.

I met my bf on Bumble and we are about to celebrate a year together. I met idiots on Match.com too and it took me a year or so to find a good one. I just chalked it all up to experience and had a bit of fun along the way but then I wasn't really sure what I was looking for until I found it.

I have to say though, I never experienced anything as horrific as you describe, how awful. Are you very clear in your profile what you are looking for and what you won't tolerate? As for bra/dress size...a recent, full length photo should prevent that.

Good luck...OLD isn't great but there are lots of positive stories out there.

weathervane1 Tue 04-Aug-20 09:33:14

I met my partner on match affinity. Because it was site with a small monthly fee, it was worth making the effort with the profile and the questions asked, and I think that definite resulted in better matches. In fact I remember being introduced to eight or nine people who seemed good matches and indeed all were lovely to talk to and no weirdness at all. My partner and I are now in our tenth year together. Whilst I do know of people who have had success on Tinder and similar, because such sites are often based on a few lines of text and looks and swiping right etc, they seem to lack depth to me. I suspect they also attract more weirdos who take longer to weed out to find the decent ones.

CandidaAlbicans2 Tue 04-Aug-20 09:38:15

Totally agree with PPs who say to have a zero tolerance approach and instantly block those who overstep the mark. It really is a numbers game, which can take time and energy, so don't waste a minute more on the dodgy ones.

Pasghetti Tue 04-Aug-20 09:45:51

I think you will have better luck on Match or similar but it really is a numbers game. It helps to treat it a bit like job hunting. I met DH on Match 14 years ago but I had dates with at least 25 guys. Keep them to coffee dates and do at least one a week. It took 6 months of dating for me to meet him but it was a drop in the ocean of how long we have been together since.

Sunnyday1203 Tue 04-Aug-20 10:47:47

Oh my goodness sounds truly awful. I am about to dip my toe into the world of OLD. Did it 4 years ago and it was pretty horrendous then. I think people are right maybe the paying sites are the way to go. But saying that I did experience good and bad on all sites

ThirtyAndASmidgen Tue 04-Aug-20 10:53:56

It’s a numbers game, indeed. I went on around 100 first dates over several years (!) and eventually found someone lovely who ticked all my boxes. It helped to write a list of non-negotiablea (e.g. kindness, similar life goals) and to take breaks from OLD when I felt jaded and fed up.

GilbertMarkham Tue 04-Aug-20 11:01:05

One man I was video chatting with (our first conversation), suddenly lowered the camera to show he was wanking.

This probably falls under some kind of sex offence/crime, but i imagine would be v hard to pursue.

And not worth it, he's just a sad wanker (literally).

Did he even have a decent sized dick? No idea why men think women women want to see them pulling tiddlers (or at all). grin

6079SmithW Tue 04-Aug-20 15:17:59

Thanks so much for all your responses.
@GilbertMarkham you are a mine of information! Thanks for all the pointers.

Re the actual sites I'm on, I've tried Match and Elite and to be honest they weren't really any different - I just met dickheads/wankers/bastards from a higher income bracket. My reasoning for staying on Tinder/Bumble is that if I'm going to have a crap experience at least I'm not paying for it.

Re the timetable, how long should I be talking before I suggest a meet? I don't want to come over as pushy or desperate.

OP’s posts: |
6079SmithW Tue 04-Aug-20 15:21:53

@GilbertMarkham re the wanker - I was so shocked that he was doing it (we weren't discussing anything remotely sexual or arousing) that I didn't even register his size. I just laughed.

OP’s posts: |
TheGodmother Tue 04-Aug-20 15:38:05

Meet within a week or so or delete!

Don't spend ages writing long texts, just be brief.

Then move over to WhatsApp, if he won't exchange numbers - delete.

One sniff of anything you don't feel comfortable with - delete.

Cancels date - delete Do NOT give them a second chance. No matter what shit excuse.

Meet for an hour at a coffee place, say you have somewhere to go afterwards, if there is a spark you can always say it's cancelled.

Don't go to cinema or tenpin bowling or theatre in that first meeting. It's not a date it's a meeting.

And as for the paying sites, you get all the same people that are on the free ones.

Notcoolmum Tue 04-Aug-20 15:55:28

I disagree that infer or bumble are necessarily hook up sites. Most men that are on paid sites are also on these.

I'm sorry you have had such awful
Experiences and so many of them. I met my BF on tinder and we have been together over a year now.

My advice is to be very savvy on swiping. My swipe rate was about 1 in 100/200. I never sent the first message (unless on bumble) as I think men do their filtering at the match stage and not the swiping stage. Any sign of the conversation not going well (not flowing, poor grammar, no rapport, focusing on sex, any other red flags like slagging off ex etc) and I would unmatch. Meet as soon as possible to avoid over investment in someone you may have no spark with.

Notcoolmum Tue 04-Aug-20 15:57:30

*tinder or bumble...

notmrscookie Tue 04-Aug-20 20:21:05

Sorry to hear your difficulties. I was on old forn4 years on and off but some how managed to find a bloje who so far adores me .. we started chatting in april .meet on the 18th may formed a bubble when we could and booked a week away in September.
I struggle with the fact he is so nice .He isnt what i would call a lad .He is shy and boring to many. I am a bigger lady He is.more interested in chatting and intelligence not size..Hopefully you can find the same ..

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