No birthday present or surprise from fiancée

[kedooo]

Just wondered what people's opinions are on this. So it was my birthday today, me and my fiancée went out for a meal which he paid for Saturday eve. Saturday daytime he said he needed to nip in the shops when we were in town and get me a card and present as he hadn't had time (work has been v.busy). He asked what I wanted and I said I wasn't sure, as the shops were so busy I said not to worry and he said he would transfer me money which he did.

This morning he didn't get me a cake, put up any banners/breakfast in bed/no flowers/chocolates. I'm not materialistic at all and I prefer thoughtful little surprises like this to anything else. I always do things like this for his birthday. My feelings are hurt but he is loving in other ways. Starting to feel like he maybe is taking me for granted and doesn't feel like he needs to make the effort anymore. I think even if work is busy and he hasn't had time to go shopping he could order a present online, AIBU?

[CoffeeBeansGalore]

You told him not to worry & he transferred you some money. In his head, that's it. Is he one of those people that needs telling exactly what you want? And if you said "on my birthday I would like breakfast in bed/flowers/you cook or get favourite takeaway" would he have done it?

[HeddaGarbled]

Well, he’s not been spectacular but why on earth did you say ‘not to worry’ when you didn’t mean it?

[lborgia]

I may be missing the point entirely, but why is it relevant that he paid for dinner on Saturday night? Of course he did.

Anyway, meanwhile, this is your moment. You are going to get married, and this is how it will always be, unless you grit your teeth and have a chat.

Sit him down. Tell him that you were disappointed be your birthday is the same date every year, that he suddenly had to get you a present on Saturday, so put you on the spot to make a decision about what to get, when he could’ve asked any time in the preceding week/month.

Say he still had Sunday and Monday to come up with something small, but from now on this is how your birthday will go -

1 - you will give him a list of general ideas or specific gift ideas a couple of weeks before the birthday.

2 - you would like ....3 of the following to happen each year -

Breakfast in bed
Flowers
Chocolates
Balloons
Banners
More than one card, from him, the cat, the sparrow in the garden, whatever.
A little note in your bag for when you get to work...whatever!!!

It’s boring, tedious, but in theory you will never have to worry again, and he will know what you like.

[MissNotMrs]

After you said not to worry about it, what did you expect him to do?

Yabu

[kedooo]

Thank you for the replies. The main reason I said not to worry is because I'm 32 weeks pregnant and with covid didn't want him to risk going into busy shops on a Saturday. I still think he could've gone shopping earlier in the week at a quieter time or ordered online

[kedooo]

@Iborgia thank you, I think going forward that's what I'll have to do from now on

[alexdgr8]

well, i'm a lot older than you, and perhaps i see things differently than when i was your age, can't be sure; but really, if you love and have made a commitment to each other, which you obviously have, since you're expecting, does such frippery really matter.
it sounds a bit childish to me, expecting/wanting banners etc at breakfast. it's what one would do for a child. you are not a child, so it probably never crossed his mind that you wanted that.
be grateful to have a good man beside you, and appreciate him for what he is, and what he does. support and respect each other throughout your lives, and you will give the best gift to your child.

[AlternativePerspective]

So has he always done banners etc for you in the past and this is out of the ordinary?

Because if banners and so on isn’t what he generally does (and tbh that all sounds a bit teenage/first love stuff) then it’s likely not something he would think of. I sure as hell wouldn’t, and if, as suggested above, my DP sat me down and gave me a list of his expectations for his birthday I would probably tell him to fuck off.

He gave you money because you didn’t want him to go into a shop. He didn’t buy you anything because you didn’t know what you wanted, so what is he meant to do? Buy you some materialistic tat that will clutter up the house?

If he’d simply forgotten then that would be one thing, but not exceeding to your expectations is not unreasonable of him and you sound childish.

[Pixxie7]

How old are you? I thought balloons and banners etc were for kids.

[Finfintytint]

Banners, Balloons, etc is a bit naff and immature in a relationship. It’s something you do when you don’t know what your relationship is about. Teenage nonsense or maybe a pisstake in a long standing relationship to have a bit of fun.
If my husband of 30 years put banners up for my birthday with balloons I’d assume he was taking the piss or had gone senile.

[Aquamarine1029]

Wanting a banner is way over the top. You're not a child! You tell him not to worry and then are upset that he hasn't read your mind. I don't think he can win in this scenario.

[kedooo]

Thank you for the opinions. I think I must be in the minority to do things like banners/balloons and I think my fiancée thinks this is childish too. I grew up in a house where we always did this for family members regardless of their age and I've always done it for friends and housemates I've lived with too. On my last birthdays he did get me a cake and asked what I wanted a few weeks before to order something in time. I'm prob just feeling sensitive/hormonal

[Limpshade]

Let's all be kind to the OP. I'm not a balloons and banners type myself, but she is 32 weeks pregnant in a pandemic, and is allowed her own preferences!

OP I always like a cake on my birthday as I go to a great amount of time and effort to make them for DH and the kids, and I like to have a cake when it's my own birthday (I usually end up with a Colin the Caterpillar - not a problem ). I do have to spell this out to DH each year, though. If I told him not to worry, I'd also end up empty handed.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY

[Catsup]

Balloons and banners aside from big birthdays is a bit weird imho. If you weren't having an actual party then it's basically just the two of you sat there looking at banners and balloons? Which is a bit 😳?

[Catsup]

Although to be fair DP and I made more of a fanfare on Dcats birthday than both of ours 😳 There was cake involved and a pretty pissed off looking cat sat in a party hat 🎉🎂🙀😂🙄... But lockdown has been hard on all of us 🤣

[stellabelle]

I used to be like this - always hoped for a big splash on my birthday and then got upset when my ex ( and then my current DH) didn't do it. A few years ago I gave my head a wobble and decided to make my own fun on my birthday. I buy a cake, or even make one from scratch, I invite people over ( or just DH) and I cook a nice dinner . All planned and executed by me. So I get what I want and we all have a merry time. No worries , no bad feelings.

[OccasionalNachos]

Poor you OP, I would have been a bit sad too! (MN seems to do competitive misery over birthdays, apparently adults shouldn’t expect any kind of fuss whatsoever on their birthday...) but it does sound like he needs to be explicitly told.

[Lockdownseperation]

Sounds like a case of miscommunication. I also suspect he isn’t into and doesn’t appreciate banners and balloons himself

[ellotreacle]

I don't get it to be honest.
Was the meal on Sat for your birthday?
If it was, wasn't that counted as your birthday treat?
I don't get why you mentioned it if not.

The leaving the card and present till late was crap but still he took on board what you said about leaving it, and offered an alternative which he followed through on.

I really don't understand why people do things like this for people, then get upset when it's not reciprocated, when you've not talked about it, people aren't mind readers, people do things differently.
If that's something you want tell him, you are meant to be getting married and have a baby on the way don't be nervous about talking to him about your preferences.

You say he is loving in other ways so I'm not necessarily sure that this alone is taking you for granted, and he may not go with the whole banner thing but at least to sort a card and a little something in advance instead of leaving it to the last minute would be better.

Hope your talk goes well.

[Shoxfordian]

He sounds quite thoughtless
How hard is it really to buy and wrap a present in advance? We all make time to do things we feel are important or necessary. Tells you what he thinks about you and where you are as a priority

[Dery]

@kedooo - IME, with men, around things like this, you generally need to explain very clearly what you want. I'm generalising but men usually aren't very good at anticipating or guessing needs (women are much better at it, at least in relation to other women) but a man who loves you will do his best to give you what you want if you explain it to him.

[Pimmsypimms]

We do balloons and banners 🤷‍♀️
I'd be really upset if my dh didn't buy me a card or a present. He could have ordered both online. No excuse not to really.
Definitely have a conversation with him about it.

[Drumple]

I’ve never had balloons or banners.

I just bought DP a teapot. It’s his birthday next week.

🤷‍♀️

You told him not to worry. So he didn’t.

[sorryforswearing]

My friend's husband once asked her what she wanted for her birthday. She said there's nothing I want. Guess what she got. Despite this I blame him not her.

[LoganberryOakley2]

Well, I understand OP, ,(I bet you wish you hadn't mentioned banners now).

I've been with my husband a long time and he still makes a fuss on my birthday, I would feel very sad if he didn't. To be honest he's the one who initiates it but I did say to him early on in our relationship that birthdays matter to me and I expected effort. ( Half jokingly but he always took it seriously).

If my husband said " I'm going to the shop to get your present now". I would have told him (jokingly) to take his time and did he need to take someone along to carry the bags. Don't say that it's not important ( it is). I get the covid restrictions but you go shopping all the time for food, he could have even got you something in a supermarket run.

You're 32 weeks pregnant , and engaged, and your fiancée didn't do anything to make your birthday special. I wouldn't be happy with that. And I would talk to him, I'd keep it upbeat, non accusatory, but I'd tell him birthdays are important to you and you expect an effort, this year was different and he got a free pass because of pregnancy/covid but it was the last free pass he was going to get.

I obviously don't know your relationship but I would definitely be saying that to my husband in the same circumstances.

Good luck OP.