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Aunt scattered my nans ashes in spite of family..

(13 Posts)
Teatwosugars88 Mon 03-Aug-20 21:27:08

My dear Nan passed away during the middle of lockdown, it was sudden and totally unexpected as she was in good health, because of lockdown the majority of our family were unable to attend the funeral but my Nan had asked for her ashes to be returned to her hometown in her will. Because of covid the cemetery in her hometown wasnt taking bookings but it had been agreed once they were she'd be brought back and while we waited my aunt would look after her ashes. During this time my aunt has taken it upon herself to scatter my nans ashes and said she won't tell anyone where they are until she we've calmed down. We are however certain that theyve been scattered and cannot be retrieved.

Now I don't plan on ever speaking to my so called aunt again.. but I'm struggling to come to terms with the fact that my Nan isn't where she wanted to be laid to rest and also the fact that I never really got to say goodbye. She was one of the most important women in my life, I still feel like if I went to her home she'd be there, I know she isn't but my head and heart don't seem to be on the same page. It's like losing her over and over again and on top of this is completely destroyed the family unit. Im just unsure of what I can do to help myself with the grieving process

OP’s posts: |
Morfin Mon 03-Aug-20 21:30:50

Scattering ashes is not like it is in the films, it's horrible to watch if you scatter them all. As long as they have been scattered they can go where they wish. Besides the ashes are not your gran, she is where she wants to be. I'm sorry for your loss and having a shit aunt.

HeronLanyon Mon 03-Aug-20 21:38:35

Oh I am so sorry. I have my mums ashes still to scatter - well a sibling does until we can get to where she wanted. I totally understand this is very upsetting for everyone. Has you ain’t said why she did it. Please remember she will be in grief and perhaps still shock having lost her own mum so she may need to be cut some slack ?

I’d maybe think about a quiet kind of pilgrimage in honour of your gm to where she wanted ashes scattered maybe read a poem or take something really meaningful with you like a touchstone etc. I wouldn’t leave it as it is.

Support. You will get through this.
Families, eh?

RealMermaid Mon 03-Aug-20 21:38:58

I'm sorry for your loss and that your aunt's behaved so badly. Can you plan an alternative way to memorialize your nan in her hometown (for instance a commemorative bench, a plaque or tree planting)? Then you could invite the family to a ceremony or celebration of your nan's life and the new memorial? It might help give some closure.

stayingaliveisawayoflife Mon 03-Aug-20 21:40:29

Maybe also take something from her home or garden and put it where she wanted to be. A garden ornament or even just a rock or stone if you don't want to risk anything sentimental.

pandafunfactory Mon 03-Aug-20 21:44:19

So why did your aunt do this?

There must be a reason. And as her child in possession of the ashes she had the right to do it.....

I think you need to make your peace with it.

AnneLovesGilbert Mon 03-Aug-20 21:48:18

Wow, that’s awful. I’m so sorry you’ve lost your beloved Nan and that your aunt has done this and is being such a vindictive bitch by not telling you where the ashes are.

I agree that you and the rest of the non-insane relatives could focus on a really meaningful memorial and way to remember your Nan, a place to visit.

So very sorry flowers

Teatwosugars88 Mon 03-Aug-20 22:02:38

All my aunt's and uncles were having disagreements and she said she done it to spite them.

@pandafunfactory, legally only the solicitors or executor of the will could scatter the ashes. But it's a civil matter and it doesn't help at all.

I do need to make peace with it, I just, I don't know. She was such a wonderful strong women, survived and worked so hard to create a good life for her family. She deserved to be left to rest where she wanted.

OP’s posts: |
billy1966 Mon 03-Aug-20 22:03:38

You are clearly still reeling from her sudden death, how awful for you.

This is very raw and your Aunt's inexplicable behaviour does sound dreadful.

As time passes you may come to realise that you grandmother truly lives on in your loving memories of her.

I have never been to either of my grandmothers graves, through circumstances, but I loved them dearly and think of them regularly, even though they are dead 25+ years.

I think having a little memorial to her in a spot she would have liked, thinking of her, remembering her, will hopefully bring you some comfort.
Her ashes blowing about may not have added as much to the moment as you think.

I wouldn't give your Aunt any further power in your grieving process.

Focus on yourself and getting through this difficult time.
So soory for your loss.
She sounds very special.
flowers

AnneLovesGilbert Mon 03-Aug-20 22:08:56

She lives in all of you who loved and will always remember her OP. I know how important a physical place can be too but her legacy is in your memories flowers

HeronLanyon Mon 03-Aug-20 22:17:37

This might be an odd thing (remember I lost my own ma recently and have not scattered her ashes). Would it help to think ‘what would nan think if she knew ?’ She’d be furious with your aunt. I’ll bet she would then have wanted the rest of the family not to let it make things more difficult than they already are right now. She’d have wanted you to be ok no matter what.
Support - it’s tough enough without the awful behaviour of your aunt b

DianaT1969 Mon 03-Aug-20 22:30:44

If you can afford to do it, I would buy a bench for the cemetery in her hometown and dedicate it to her with a small plaque. Everyone who sits there or passes will know her name.
Sorry for your loss.

ALLIS0N Mon 03-Aug-20 22:33:57

RealMermaid

I'm sorry for your loss and that your aunt's behaved so badly. Can you plan an alternative way to memorialize your nan in her hometown (for instance a commemorative bench, a plaque or tree planting)? Then you could invite the family to a ceremony or celebration of your nan's life and the new memorial? It might help give some closure.

This is a great idea.

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