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Why won't he meet in real life

(82 Posts)
averybumpyride Mon 03-Aug-20 18:20:58

Hi. I've recently started dating again after being widowed in my 30s. My DH is now dead just over 4 year and I have 2 children.
So I met this guy on tinder just over 3 weeks ago. We started texting and he ticked so many boxes. I really like him and we seem to have loads in common. He seems to really like me too sometimes texting all day. I know he is who he says he is cause a friend of the family knows him and says that he is a really nice guy but very shy. He also only lives 3 miles from my house. So after a few days into texting I tried hinting to him about meeting up. He didn't pick up on it so I had to ask him out myself eventually. He gave several reasons why he couldn't but said maybe another time. After a while I asked him out again and this time he gave several excuses about being too busy to be in a relationship and didn't think is was fair for him to meet me when he couldn't commit. I tried stopping the messaging but he asked if we could continue to text as friends. Against better judgment I agreed but after a few days in I said I couldn't keep texting as friends without ever meeting him. He then agreed to meet as friends but when I tried the following day to pin him down to a day he started to back off again. Am I completely wasting my time here. I do believe he is very shy and he told me he has not been with any woman within the last 10 years. I would continue to just text but then I would end up with feelings for him. WWYD

OP’s posts: |
Nyctophyllia Mon 03-Aug-20 18:23:46

Completely wasting your time, hes told you exactly who he is and what he wants, please listen
The right person will move mountains to spend time with you

Equalityumber Mon 03-Aug-20 18:24:12

You’re wasting your time.

category12 Mon 03-Aug-20 18:27:52

Basically he wants a penpal.

You don't.

Stop trying to make him do something he doesn't want to do.

Move on if you're not interested in being online only.

firecracker69 Mon 03-Aug-20 18:28:15

He's made it very clear he's not interested in a relationship.

averybumpyride Mon 03-Aug-20 18:29:21

But then why go on tinder and put kisses at the end of goodnight messages

OP’s posts: |
litterbird Mon 03-Aug-20 18:32:46

Welcome to on line sucks sometimes....lots of them do this and lots of them just want pen pals because they are a) married b) too lazy to get into a relationship or c) narcissists who just want to chat to many women at once to get their ego stroked but never meet up. Sorry this isn't worth your trouble. Just say thanks but no thanks.

Bunnymumy Mon 03-Aug-20 18:33:12

He likes the ego stroke from chatting.

I once knew a guy who messaged 24/7 and I knew him through mates, he lived near me too but we hardly ever actially hung out. But I took the constant messaging as him liking me and was flattered as I had such a crush on him.

We would talk for hours on messenger ect...but then he really hurt me when at a mutual friends gathering he was cold the whole evening and then stroked some other girls leg right in front of me. I realised then that he didn't really like me, he just wanted me to really like him.

Narcissists want you to be thinking of them 24/7 and giving them your time and attention. They need it for their ego. So they may message a lot. But it's not because they like you or want to date you. It's because they like the attention.

Not saying this is exactly what you are dealing with here sounds like it might be. I want to meet people in dating and my friends. If there is opportunity. It sounds like he just wants someone to be paying him attention. Don't get drawn in further and hurt.

category12 Mon 03-Aug-20 18:33:22

For validation, for something to do, to see what's out there, for attention. for entertainment, to check he's still got it.

He could be in a relationship and just wanking off about the women he could get.

Neveranynamesleft Mon 03-Aug-20 18:34:00

Maybe keep texting for a while longer and see if anything happens but also keep your eyes open for someone else , just in case ?!
You have been told that he's shy and he's not been with a woman / in a relationship for 10 years so he may be struggling. I would give him a chance.

Windmillwhirl Mon 03-Aug-20 18:34:03

If he is not prepared to meet it doesn't matter how great you connect.

Move on. This is going nowhere at the moment. He may get over his shyness but to be honest, I'd avoid someone this shy, if that is in fact the problem.

Brightyellow Mon 03-Aug-20 18:35:09

There is absolutely no point.

Crystalspider Mon 03-Aug-20 19:01:30

Just leave it. If a guy I'm not interested in keeps messaging me, I ghost or block them
He has actually told you he's not interested and tbh you only wanted friendship hoping more would happen.
Keep looking op, men that are interested will definitely keep messaging you and will ask you out. IMO men don't like to be chased, they want the hard to get girl.

BurtsBeesKnees Mon 03-Aug-20 19:03:57

He likes the interaction, ego boost and feeling he gets from texting, but that's it. He's told you he doesn't want to meet, but you're not listening to him. He's not shy, he simply doesn't want to meet you as that's not where he wants this to go,

LuluBellaBlue Mon 03-Aug-20 19:12:15

He just wants a pen pal

Itsjustabitofbanter Mon 03-Aug-20 19:24:02

It doesn’t ready matter what his reasons are for not meeting. He’s literally told you he’s not interested. If this was a man harassing a woman after she told him she didn’t want a relationship, you’d be called all sorts on here

averybumpyride Mon 03-Aug-20 19:25:55

Thanks for the advice, I have invested weeks of texting and imaging I had met someone when the reality was he never had any intention of meeting up with me. Previous times when I told him that I wanted to stop the texting he just kept on texting. When he texts later I think I just won't respond. I miss my late husband desperately still and probably not thinking straight

OP’s posts: |
Notredamn Mon 03-Aug-20 19:27:08

He's either bored or looking for minimal effort sexting, not necessarily with you. But that's why he's on Tinder
You're 100% wasting your time.

averybumpyride Mon 03-Aug-20 19:28:54

Averybumpyride I wouldn't go so far as calling it harassing. He is the one who texts me first every day and even after I've asked him to stop he has not

OP’s posts: |
Notredamn Mon 03-Aug-20 19:29:37

I'm really sorry about your husband sad
Unfortunately you'll encounter a lot of time wasters and/or weirdos online dating. The key is to not spend your precious time texting, but firm up plans to meet early on and then you can quickly move on to the next if it's not right without much time wasted.

averybumpyride Mon 03-Aug-20 19:31:12

It doesn’t ready matter what his reasons are for not meeting. He’s literally told you he’s not interested. If this was a man harassing a woman after she told him she didn’t want a relationship, you’d be called all sorts on here

Averybumpyride I wouldn't go so far as calling it harassing. He is the one who texts me first every day and even after I've asked him to stop he has not

OP’s posts: |
category12 Mon 03-Aug-20 19:34:12

Arrange to meet fairly quickly when you find someone you're interested in, and don't do huge amounts of messaging until you've met. Obviously some chit-chat, but don't invest much at the start. Have a few prospects on the go so you're not zeroing in on one person, until you've met and are sure there's something there.

BuffaloMozzerella Mon 03-Aug-20 19:35:22

When I was online dating I would say 60% of the men seemed happy to just text and never made any moves to progress things past that.

I learned quite quickly that if a date wasn't arranged fairly quickly then it would never be. Honestly don't waste your time.

crimsonlake Mon 03-Aug-20 19:35:46

Sorry for your loss.
OLD is a learning curve and you are learning already as you have found out.
Never waste time messaging, after several messages or a few days instigate a quick meet up for a coffee. This stops you building them up to be something they are not and you can avoid disappointment.
If it does not work out you simply move on and say next...

littlebirdieblue Mon 03-Aug-20 19:47:54

So sorry about your husband.
Online dating can be good, but you need to meet within the first week of messaging, if they make excuses then move on because they are not interested in actually meeting. Honestly, a man who is genuinely wanting to date will want to meet quickly too, they won't want to waste time chatting and not be sure it can go somewhere.
There are lots of men out there that do want to find a fulfilling relationship, but unfortunately you'll find lots of time wasters too.

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