What could be wrong with her?

[Heidi3333]

What could be wrong with her?

Hi there. Just looking for some opinions please.

My brother split with his ex wife 5 years ago. They have 3 kids together age7, 9 and 12. Their relationship was very turbulent and she eventually left him for another man, falling pregnant with the new man 6 months later. My brother divorced her and she still with the other man.

She has a reputation for being moody, fiery and prone to having aggressive outbursts over trivial things that wouldn’t upset anyone else but she has gotten worse the last few years since. She was always fine with me but everyone else in my family have had problems with her. Her own family say she was a v “troubled” child.

I’m a nurse (not psychiatric) and have a basic understanding of mental health but I’m sure she needs help. However, I’m not sure exactly what could be troubling her.

Some examples of her behaviour :

⁃ extremely jealous of other women paying attention (even working with or talking) to my brother when they were married. Even though my brother has remained single since they split she’s said she will go crazy when he eventually meets someone else.
⁃ She slashed their car tyres to ensure a friend couldn’t borrow their car then cracked up at my brother when he didn’t replace the tyres quickly enough.
⁃ Frequently tells my brother his children aren’t his, that he needs a DNA test, that they hate him etc etc and that her life mission is to turn them against him. He is a great Dad and the kids seem to love him.
⁃ Is always falling out with family and friends.
⁃ Seems to enjoy fighting and arguing with people. Volunteered to come and ‘sort out’ some people I was having bother with.
⁃ Uses her children as pawns to extort money/child visits out my brother all the time. Doesn’t care if she upsets her children by denying them access to their Dad to get what she wants. This can go on for months at a time.
⁃ Goes onto her 12 year old daughters social media and pretends to be her by posting horrible comments about her Dad.
⁃ Is very controlling with her children when they are visiting their Dad - always phoning, checking and even coming and taking them back to hers if certain conditions she’s made (usually v unreasonable) aren’t met.

The list goes on and on.

As far as I know she isn’t violent but my brothers both think she is capable of hurting someone.

She doesn’t think there’s anything wrong with her and has never sought help.

I’m worried that my nieces are suffering from emotional abuse and that they will end up damaged.

My brother is currently getting legal help to get regular access to his kids as he hasn’t had them up for months.

What could be the matter with her? And is there anything I can do?

[Windmillwhirl]

You could read up on borderline personality disorder.

[DivGirl]

The only thing you can do is keep out of it. An internet diagnosis isn't your friend here, and even if someone did correctly identify a personality disorder unless you're planning on liaising with the MH team to have her sectioned it's utterly pointless.

[Windmillwhirl]

Sorry, meant to post this: Borderline personality disorder is a mental health disorder that impacts the way you think and feel about yourself and others, causing problems functioning in everyday life. It includes self-image issues, difficulty managing emotions and behavior, and a pattern of unstable relationships.

[rvby]

It doesnt really matter what is wrong with her. Diagnoses are for professionals trying to treat and medicate a person, they are classification systems that dont do much to help laymen - its better to focus on the behavior and its impacts on the kids iyswim.

You can't do anything about it, perhaps read up on the "grey rock" technique. And focus on the children involved. Give them opportunities to have a life beyond their mum, be there for them, try not to burn bridges. They won't always be small, there will come a time when they might need a safe place to go.

[Heidi3333]

Thank you.

I'm not looking for a diagnosis just some ideas from others who may have similar experiences. I often wondered over the years...

I'm worried about the affect she has on my nieces. Some of them are already showing signs of anxiety at such a young age.

If she doesn't think there's anything wrong with her how will her behaviour improve?

[SoulofanAggron]

You know op, you just want us to confirm we agree that it sounds like BPD.

But giving her a diagnosis for yourself, your brother, whoever, it maybe helps you understand her behaviour. But mainly she's just bloody awful - I have BPD traits and I work on myself, try hard to control how I act, and don't behave like this.

[SoulofanAggron]

If she doesn't think there's anything wrong with her how will her behaviour improve?

BPD does tend to improve somewhat with age. It also helps if the person has little stress in their lives etc. If she doesn't acknowledge there's anything wrong with her, she won't work on herself, get therapy etc. Sometimes they might choose to get meds or therapy if they're struggling with depression, thoughts of self-harm or something.

All your brother can do is give your nieces love, support and stability to counteract the effect of how she acts. If he can think of ways to put it to get them to intervene- evidence of abuse, neglect etc, he could get social services involved.

[rvby]

@Heidi3333

Thank you.

I'm not looking for a diagnosis just some ideas from others who may have similar experiences. I often wondered over the years...

I'm worried about the affect she has on my nieces. Some of them are already showing signs of anxiety at such a young age.

If she doesn't think there's anything wrong with her how will her behaviour improve?

Well she isnt going to improve, is she? Most people who act like this dont get better with age. Some people are just horrible and mixed up all their lives.

There isnt always an answer or a solution in these situations. The children will be damaged by it, of course they will.

Grey rock while remaining in touch as a support to the kids is probably the best way forward. But make no mistake, there will still be enormous damage done.

[roundandsideways]

My ex has accused me of most of these things over the years.
I was role I was just jealous of other women, I wasn't, he would open,y flirt with them in front of me, and cheated on me a lot;
Tells people I don't want him to meet anyone else, not even slightly true, he just wants me to be jealous;
He barely sees the children, so have been known to try and talk to him to see them more, but he just about manages a few hours a week, so I've given up asking him and just try to implement a regular timetable, which he never wants to stick to, so I refuse extra days, otherwise my life would be too disorganised;
I do often phone my children when they're with him because he doesn't take care of them, two of my sons have ASD, and no sense of danger;
And the children are tired of how he is when they're with him, he regularly insults them etc. And they don't like him for those reasons.
Oh and he actually slashed my tyres once and told everyone I did it myself.
Are you my ex's sister
Ex is always trying to push the idea that I have a mental health disorder, and calls me aggressive because I have boundaries

[Heidi3333]

Thanks rvby - that's what I'm afraid off. The affect she's having on her poor children.

I never get involved as I'm afraid she will use it as an excuse to stop my daughter seeing her cousins. However, I had to comfort all my nieces at the weekend because her unreasonable behaviour had made them all cry 😔 I asked them if they would like to come and live with their dad instead. They then told their mum that I thought they would be better off living with him. Now she has deleted me and my mum off my nieces Facebook page.

I really do think they would be better off living with their father before they become any more damaged. Ideally I'd like to report her to social services or a mental health team but I know that wound cause a ruckus and she'd probably come after me! I do believe she's capable of violence.

[Heidi3333]

@roundandsideways

My ex has accused me of most of these things over the years.
I was role I was just jealous of other women, I wasn't, he would open,y flirt with them in front of me, and cheated on me a lot;
Tells people I don't want him to meet anyone else, not even slightly true, he just wants me to be jealous;
He barely sees the children, so have been known to try and talk to him to see them more, but he just about manages a few hours a week, so I've given up asking him and just try to implement a regular timetable, which he never wants to stick to, so I refuse extra days, otherwise my life would be too disorganised;
I do often phone my children when they're with him because he doesn't take care of them, two of my sons have ASD, and no sense of danger;
And the children are tired of how he is when they're with him, he regularly insults them etc. And they don't like him for those reasons.
Oh and he actually slashed my tyres once and told everyone I did it myself.
Are you my ex's sister
Ex is always trying to push the idea that I have a mental health disorder, and calls me aggressive because I have boundaries

No, I'm not your ex's sister!

But he sounds just as awful as my ex sister in law 😟

[roundandsideways]

See your entire post sounds like you've made all this up about your sil, believe your brother, want to prove somehow that she is mentally ill to enable your brother to take custody of the children, because in your opinion, which I suspect has been touted by your brother she
"Uses her children as pawns to extort money/child visits out my brother all the time. Doesn’t care if she upsets her children by denying them access to their Dad to get what she wants."
This is how abusive men behave after the relationship ends, especially if the ex has a new partner

[roundandsideways]

Paying child mai tenancy is the least he should do, and spending regular time with his own children, is something any decent father would not complain about
And asking the children if they want to live with him, is just manipulative.
It's something for the court to decide.

[Heidi3333]

Roundaways - no I don't think so. I seen and heard plenty examples of her behaviour long before she left him, from lots of different people. I know my brother isn't a saint but I believe what he is telling me.

[IncrediblySadToo]

Woukd your brother be in a position & want to have them full time?

At this point, I don't think you've got anything to lose by getting SS involved.

Would the girls be honest with SS or would they lie & defend their mum?

[Heidi3333]

And he DOES want to spend time with his children - he should be getting them every weekend but doesn't!! And he pays child maintenance every weekend, more than he needs to.

[roundandsideways]

This is textbook. I hope your sil has some real life support

[Heidi3333]

@IncrediblySadToo

Woukd your brother be in a position & want to have them full time?

At this point, I don't think you've got anything to lose by getting SS involved.

Would the girls be honest with SS or would they lie & defend their mum?

I'm not sure how the kids would respond to SS getting involved. I'd have to ask my brothers permission to do that. I wouldn't go behind his back.

Plus, she would know it'd be me that reported her. And she's unpredictable...

[roundandsideways]

Why are you asking people to decipher what is "wrong with her"?you do seem intent on trying to prove she is mentally unstable. You do know that since you don't spend much rime with her, your opinion counts for nothing

[Heidi3333]

Go away roundabout. Why are you defending her?

[roundandsideways]

This is Mumsnet, you asked for opinions and I've giving you mine, born from extensive experience.

[roundandsideways]

You say that she
"Uses her children as pawns to extort money/child visits out my brother all the time. Doesn’t care if she upsets her children by denying them access to their Dad to get what she wants." And yet you claim that he wants to see them every weekend and she stops this. So what is going on?
Way he gets to interfere in her life and exert control over her and her new partner?

[PerfectPenquins]

Why did your brother continue to have children with her if she is so bad?

Asking kids direct questions of who they wish to live with is manipulation. Kids want to please people and will say whatever they believe that adults wants to hear.

If your brother was unconcerned he could have filed for an emergency order hearing straight away, why didn't he?

There is no such thing as paying more maintenance than he should. There is a minimum not a maximum

The issue us her bad behaviour has gone unquestioned and unreported for years. If there was actual concerns I would have expected the adults to safeguard the children long before the parents split. Claiming mental instability is a common malicious tactic when arguing over residency of children so it can be hard to believe.

[Heidi3333]

I'm not looking. For an argument. Just some advice.

I'm stating what I know from not only my brother but multiple other family members and friends. They can't all be making it up! I've heard her on the phone, I've read the abusive messages she's sent.

So I don't believe he's making up her behaviour!

[PerfectPenquins]

That should say if your brother was concerned, apologies for errors am using an old phone