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Want to separate from husband- help

(5 Posts)
30year Mon 03-Aug-20 13:52:53

Need some advice and pointers please, as I am scared and bewildered and don’t know where to start

DH and I have been married for 30 years. I’m 57 and he’s 66. Both kids grown up, independent and living elsewhere. We live in the 4-bed family home, no mortgage or debts. Both retired on reasonable pensions- his includes state pension, but mine is slightly bigger. Have some savings jointly, he has more savings in his name due to an inheritance.

I have reached a point where I feel it is better for us to live separate lives. He’s done something I have just found out about and that was a final straw for me. ( it’s not adultery!). I’ve not had any discussion with him yet (he doesn’t know I’ve found out this thing) and am scared of his reaction- I think he will get angry and I know he won’t be cooperative about a 50:50 asset split ( at least not at first) . I am not even bothered about divorcing- I just need to live separately from him and put space between us. I don’t think I’m in an unsafe situation so it could be a gradual separation as far as I’m concerned. He mightn’t agree with that.

But I don’t know how to play this out to get the best, calmest discussion with him immediately and in the future. I don’t know what I should do to protect any assets before I speak to him in case he doesn’t play ball. I don’t know if I’m being incredibly naive in suggesting to him we stay in family home till it’s sold then buy our own places rather than me having to move out straight away. Do I need to see a solicitor first or only if he won’t do a 50:50? What about a mediator if he won’t talk to me without getting angry- are they any good

So, if you’ve been through this please send me your what worked, what didn’t work, how to end this as nicely as possible. I’m devastated it’s come to this and fear of this process is holding me back from having the conversation with him as everyone says it’s so painful that I keep thinking maybe it’s less painful to stay, no matter how difficult.
Thank you

OP’s posts: |
RandomMess Mon 03-Aug-20 14:02:24

I think get some solicitors recommended to you that have a good success rate in getting the outcome their client wanted/deserved.

Start the ball rolling with the divorce. Once you know where you stand legally etc you have more knowledge power.

Personally I would move into a spare bedroom and make it yours and get a lock fitted, tell him you found out about X and are not happy.

If he gets angry and you are at all frightened please call the police.

Autumn4eva Tue 04-Aug-20 19:06:28

As previous poster said your first option is finding a good solicitor.

You need to know where you stand legally and have a clear plan on what you want.
Once you have all this information then approach your husband and tell him you want a divorce and the reason why.

His reaction should give you a clear idea on what to do next. For e.g. would you be comfortable being under the same roof (separate bedrooms) until your house is sold.
If not would your husband move out or would you have to move out.

I'm in a similar position to you OP.
Good luck

Hidingtonothing Tue 04-Aug-20 20:24:39

Things I would want to have in place are somewhere I could stay short term in an emergency, some immediate money somewhere he can't access/block your access, any important documents you wouldn't want him to have/withhold stored somewhere safe and not in your home and clear legal advice so I knew exactly where I stood.

The conversation isn't going to be easy however you do it but it's better for everyone if you're clear in your own mind what you want to happen before you speak to him, less chance of any misunderstandings that way.

It will feel easier when you have your facts straight legally and know you've protected yourself in case he's uncooperative. Prepare for the worst and hope for the best about sums it up I think, it will take courage but being prepared will give you that courage. And we'll be here if you need extra support, you can do this flowers

billy1966 Tue 04-Aug-20 21:01:38

I wouldn't let on your plans at all.

Get all paperwork on assets, deeds, pensions, savings copied and out of the house.

Get good legal advice.

I would move as much money as you can into an account in your name.

I would confide in good friends.

I would look at the possibility of a very small studio to rent so that you can get away if needs be. Could you rent a room somewhere, or from a friend?

If he is not nice, why bother sharing until the house is sold..

Your legal advice will tell you how to push for a house sale etc.

Wishing you

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