Talk

Advanced search

How do you amicably separate if your Dh tells you that you’re being ridiculous for suggesting it and that he’s not going anywhere.

(23 Posts)
FuckYourMexicanPomBeaker Mon 03-Aug-20 13:45:03

Rented house in my name
2 x young dc
A shitty lockdown that brought his dependency on booze, nicotine and weed to a high point.
In hospital with a liver infection and now after a dry month he’s drastically cut back to 2-3 cans beer per night and has ditched tocacco (not weed) altogether. I’m not pushing for anything more. In fact when he was completely dry he was a nightmare. Actually a very pleasant drunk/stoner.

I'm depressed (not clinically, I just feel like shit) he's down and so very irritable and angry. Shouting, having a go at me and children is daily.

I'm a passive aggressive cow and know there's no good or bad person in this situation. I've become jaded and tired of it all.

I want the dc to live in a house full of fun and positivity and we are not providing them with that at the moment. I am parenting solo a lot of the time. I'm always up with them in the morning as he needs sleep. I take them out daily so he can be at home on his own.

I don't want to turn into some sad arse martyr (I really have no truck for the co dependancy thing). I am far from perfect and want to be able to fuck up and be a normal person but I feel like I'm being pigeon holed into being his support person.

He completely disagrees and thinks he's been absolutely fine and is doing really well.

The children don't go to him at all which is exhausting. If I try and get them to all go out for an hour there are tears and tantrums esp from the 2yr old and so I don't know what shared contact would look like anyway. I just want them to want to spend time with their dad without me sometimes.

So much racing through my mind so it's a bit of a ramble.

It boils down to how can we separate if he thinks we're fine and thinks I'm being ridiculous?

OP’s posts: |
WellIWasInTheNeighbourhoo Mon 03-Aug-20 13:51:40

Speak to a family law solicitor, but basically if you want him to leave you might need a court order to remove him. But I dont think you'll have any issues getting that under the circumstances. Or give notice and move elsewhere without him.

FuckYourMexicanPomBeaker Mon 03-Aug-20 13:54:46

I understand what you mean but I want to be completely low drama and amicable as possible

OP’s posts: |
ravenmum Mon 03-Aug-20 13:59:59

Does he have any family members who might help persuade him to go?

RB68 Mon 03-Aug-20 14:02:45

He has already kyboshed that by refusing to leave. However legally you have the upper hand as your name on agreement. See a lawyer and get him out with a residency order, sort the kids at the same time, access that is - but remember if he is awarded 50% there is no csa money but also no requirement for him to ever turn up and take the children for his access so be realistic. With his substance abuse I would be reluctant initially for anything other than supervised access esp with as young as 2.

FuckYourMexicanPomBeaker Mon 03-Aug-20 14:04:33

I do plan on asking them.
Annoyingly I've been pigeon holed into the kind, loyal wife stereotype and always being told 'you're so good for him' which I really don't want to encourage. Because of that false impression I'm not sure what they'd say.

OP’s posts: |
VettiyaIruken Mon 03-Aug-20 14:04:55

It doesn't sound like you will get what you want. You may have to choose between staying as you are or getting him out legally.

WellIWasInTheNeighbourhoo Mon 03-Aug-20 14:05:06

FuckYourMexicanPomBeaker

I understand what you mean but I want to be completely low drama and amicable as possible

Unless you both want this it wont happen unfortunately. Amicable low drama splits are for couple who are both happy to split and even then the money can cause issues. Can you see him feeling this way? If hes currently in denial, then the next stages of the grief cycle will be shock, anger and depression. If you really want it to happen it would be better to be prepared for this.

Dozer Mon 03-Aug-20 14:07:45

Unrealistic to expect him to be amicable, would aim for safety instead.

As PPs say, suggest seeking info on how to legally require him to leave the property.

FuckYourMexicanPomBeaker Mon 03-Aug-20 14:09:10

I can't stay as we are. It's such a negative oppressive atmosphere to raise dc in.

Once the initial incredulous reaction he had to me saying I wanted to split he has said we could do online couples counselling and go from there. He really doesn't want us to split but he doesn't seem happy either. Tbh I don't think he could be arsed with the hassle of it all.

OP’s posts: |
BlessYourCottonSocks Mon 03-Aug-20 14:11:55

FuckYourMexicanPomBeaker

I do plan on asking them.
Annoyingly I've been pigeon holed into the kind, loyal wife stereotype and always being told 'you're so good for him' which I really don't want to encourage. Because of that false impression I'm not sure what they'd say.

What you do then is say firmly, His behaviour is extremely damaging to our children and they need to be my priority, not him. He is an adult who is choosing to drink and smoke weed. I am not responsible for his poor choices. I cannot have the children around him any longer. If you cannot help, then I will need to take legal action to have him removed, but would have preferred that we did this with less drama. However, because of the children I WILL go the dramatic route if necessary.

DishingOutDone Mon 03-Aug-20 14:12:29

If you look on the Divorce/Separation board there are other people in the same boat, often owning property which makes things more tricky. Ultimately you have to tell him its over and he needs to find somewhere else to rent for himself, assume you want to take on the tenancy (sorry is it already in your name?) But addicts are notoriously good at making sure they can keep the status quo.

If you contact your local CAB (think its all online at the moment) they often have lots of advice on this sort of thing to hand, because so many people need it. Can he go back to his parents or family?

DishingOutDone Mon 03-Aug-20 14:13:01

@BlessYourCottonSocks said it all really.

PerkingFaintly Mon 03-Aug-20 14:13:22

FuckYourMexicanPomBeaker

I do plan on asking them.
Annoyingly I've been pigeon holed into the kind, loyal wife stereotype and always being told 'you're so good for him' which I really don't want to encourage. Because of that false impression I'm not sure what they'd say.

In that case be prepared for his family to try to persuade you to stay because they care for his welfare above yours.

Plus they may care for their own welfare: if you're not there to play minder to their problem person, they may see it devolving on them.

ravenmum Mon 03-Aug-20 14:15:14

I think it sounds like you need more drama tbh. You're quite right not to want to be a martyr, but you're allowing yourself to fall into that role.
If you made more of a fuss, and made it less pleasant for him to be in your house, what would he do?

VeeDubber Mon 03-Aug-20 14:20:58

Low drama amicable splits are only possible when that's what both parties want.

You need an appointment with a solicitor, as the rent is in your name only it shouldn't be too hard to get him out.

In the meantime, so he gets it in his head that you're serious, tell him that as far as you're concerned you're separated. Separate your finances, apply for any benefits/universal credit as a single person if you think you're entitled to them, get the child benefit moved into your name only if not already, move out of your bedroom if you haven't already - even if it means sharing a bedroom with the kids short term, stop doing any washing or cooking or any kind of 'wife work' for him.

Basically you need to make it clear that you mean it - it's over. Carrying on acting like his wife in the hope that he'll get the message and proceed with an amicable split, just won't do that.

FuckYourMexicanPomBeaker Mon 03-Aug-20 14:22:23

I'm extremely confrontation averse to the point I had some (albeit career based) therapy to combat this a few years back.

His go response is anger (never physical) and annoyance and deflection. That's exactly what he did when I said I wanted a separation. No sadness or acknowledgement of how shit it all is for dc or for us whilst I sobbing I front of him. Just him telling me how I'm wrong and how he's doing fine.

I don't think any of his family or friends would agree to putting him up and we can't afford one place let alone two. It's all such a mess.

OP’s posts: |
FuckYourMexicanPomBeaker Mon 03-Aug-20 14:25:40

I've agreed to try couples counselling for now.

OP’s posts: |
VeeDubber Mon 03-Aug-20 14:27:49

I've agreed to try couples counselling for now.

Why?

Do you think the relationship is salvageable?

Can you see that that's the message you've given to him by agreeing to couples counselling? confused

RandomMess Mon 03-Aug-20 14:31:05

Speak to rights of women about whether he reaches the bar for getting an occupation order due to alcohol and weed dependency and his anger. Alternatively report to SS due to impact on DC?

TBH I would get legal advice and serve divorce papers. If he kicks off call police and then get emergency occupation order?

BlessYourCottonSocks Mon 03-Aug-20 14:31:23

I don't think any of his family or friends would agree to putting him up and we can't afford one place let alone two.

There is no 'we' any more. If he can't afford a place of his own that's his problem. The place you are in is yours. Get rid of him.

CodenameVillanelle Mon 03-Aug-20 14:33:38

Can you afford the rent on your own? Can you afford the rest of your life expenses?

delilahbucket Mon 03-Aug-20 14:36:15

I arranged for him to stay at his parents so we could have a break from each other and then I packed his bags and wouldn't let him back. Six times I attempted to split up but he refused to leave. The first time I said I would call the police to remove him and that resulted in him pinning me to the floor and threatening to punch me on the face. It went downhill from there. Similar to you, the house (and everything in it was mine) and I was the only one of the two who had a job. If he has a temper I would make it short and swift and don't expect things to be amicable. Just try to shield your kids from it.

Join the discussion

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

Join Mumsnet

Already have a Mumsnet account? Log in