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Unreasonable to want time on your own?

(17 Posts)
supermadre78 Sun 02-Aug-20 20:55:27

In LDR for a few years and live about an hour from partner but have seen each other basically every day for the past three weeks. Didn't see each other much obviously at the start of lockdown but since we have been able to form a support bubble, have done so and seen him a few times per week. I have two children who are with me most of the time and who have needed support and reassurance over the last few months, as have lots of teenagers at this time as they're in exam years and have missed exams, prom, friends etc etc. We have just been on holiday all together, children and DP for 5 days which I thought was nice all things considered despite him complaining that they take up my time and talk too much!!! Actually, they are really accepting of him, nice to him, talk to him when they could be really difficult. DP went home early this morning as he had his children for the day and is coming back tomorrow. My children are also spending the day with their dad and back tomorrow morning. DP was stroppy as I said I wanted an early night tonight and would see him tomorrow morning as am feeling exhausted and it's my DD's birthday tomorrow and wanted to be OK for it but he wanted to come back down to mine tonight after seeing his children but I said no. He is always like this and doesn't seem to be able to spend any time on his own. Am I unreasonable for wanting some time in the holidays to myself. He says that we should take every opportunity to spend our free time together in the holidays (both teachers) and doesn't get that I might want to see friends too. This is controlling isn't it, I am not going mad? Just because I'm in a LDR does not mean I have to spend every free moment with him?! Also, if I go to his, it's basically just me and him or me, him and his children as he doesn't have any friends there. Hopefully, this all makes sense!

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supermadre78 Sun 02-Aug-20 20:57:55

Also, he complains when friends (female) text me to tell me random stuff and says that I care more about my friends than him and that as we don't get to spend much time together, I should not answer my texts when he's there!!

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MaeDanvers Sun 02-Aug-20 21:03:22

Yea I think it’s very unreasonable and I don’t like the sound of him complaining about your kids. Especially that they take up too much of your time - uh they’re supposed to, they’re your kids!

And the text thing as well is weird. It sounds suffocating and as I was reading it I had this picture of him stamping his foot and demanding every moment of your attention like a little kid himself.

Is the relationship really worth all this? He sounds stressful to be around.

Postmanbear Sun 02-Aug-20 21:05:48

If he’s like this now he will get worse. Of course you need time on your own and time with your friends!

supermadre78 Sun 02-Aug-20 21:06:51

This is the question I'm asking myself. He wasn't like this at the beginning but now only seems to be happy if he has my full attention. I'm asking myself how I could possibly end up in a situation like this!!

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BoggledBudgie Sun 02-Aug-20 21:09:55

So he’s trying to alienate you from both your children and your friends? Ditch him and run.

KatySun Sun 02-Aug-20 21:10:43

You end up in a situation like that because it is gradual - chip, chip, chip away at your boundaries.
But the good news is that you have recognised it. It is controlling and the fact that he does not want you to have contact with your friends when he is there is a big red flag.
I personally would detach that support bubble and go back to being single - it sounds dreadfully suffocating.

supermadre78 Sun 02-Aug-20 21:13:23

Thank you for the messages. At times I've thought it's me not being very nice but he is getting worse and I know it's not right. Just needed somebody else to tell me.

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crimsonlake Sun 02-Aug-20 21:15:28

....Also, if I go to his, it's basically just me and him or me, him and his children as he doesn't have any friends there....
This is what struck me about your post, do you not like spending time alone with him?

amethystprimrose Sun 02-Aug-20 21:15:42

You are not being unreasonable.

He sounds controlling and moody. Abuser written all over him. Cut your loses.

TwentyViginti Sun 02-Aug-20 21:17:13

No, it's not right at all, and would get far far worse. Good you spotted it before too much damage was done.

supermadre78 Sun 02-Aug-20 21:25:12

I used to really look forward to spending time with him but I also like to see friends, have friends round for meals and for him to be a part of that. However, after a few years of it just being me and him when I go to his, I'm fed up with it. I get the feeling he doesn't like people. I wanted to have a life with him but not just the two of us, a normal life with friends.

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Tappering Sun 02-Aug-20 21:30:49

We have just been on holiday all together, children and DP for 5 days which I thought was nice all things considered despite him complaining that they take up my time and talk too much

Also, he complains when friends (female) text me to tell me random stuff and says that I care more about my friends than him and that as we don't get to spend much time together, I should not answer my texts when he's there!!

Two HUGE red flags right there.

AttilaTheMeerkat Sun 02-Aug-20 21:37:03

What do you get out of this relationship now?. Why is your relationship bar this low?

End this long distance relationship, do not further let this man abuse you and in turn your kids. This man really does has more red flags about him than are present at a Communist party rally. Minimise those at your emotional peril.

KatySun Sun 02-Aug-20 21:41:20

Oh Gosh, I missed the bit about him complaining about your children, oh dear. Who does he think he is?!?

supermadre78 Sun 02-Aug-20 21:46:44

At the moment, I've come to realise I'm not getting much out of it. I guess it's been gradual and I've made excuses for him but need to do something now.

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Shizzlestix Sun 02-Aug-20 23:24:10

Blimey, you sound just like a friend of mine. Her ‘d’p keeps asking when her dc are moving out, goes mad when she wants time with just her dc and wants her to spend every school holiday (she’s a teacher) with him and sulks when she won’t. I feel suffocated on her behalf!

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