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Reaching out to an ex

(16 Posts)
plugplug Sun 02-Aug-20 17:23:40

I know I am dumb for even considering this but for some reason I am.

We are late 20s. We live on opposite sides of the world now (I might move to his country next year, work related) and we met about two years ago when we were both working around the same area in Asia. I haven't seen him in about a year and we last spoke a few months ago.

We ended it over the distance and how incompatible our jobs were, etc.

I don't know if I'm just romanticising this and making him out to be the one that got away even when he might not be but I just can't move past it. I always ask myself what if...

For some reason I wish I could say how I feel one last time or just you know put it out there because I stupidly think the outcome will be any different. A friend of his (now mutual friend) suggested I text him "I want you back" which is probably the worst advice ever lol so I am here trying to get some proper advice from some sane people 😊

OP’s posts: |
plugplug Sun 02-Aug-20 18:03:55


OP’s posts: |
jigglypuffcookie Sun 02-Aug-20 18:36:23

Is he with anyone? If not what have you got to lose by messaging- go for it!

MikeUniformMike Sun 02-Aug-20 18:38:12

I wouldn't reach out, your arms aren't long enough.

MikeUniformMike Sun 02-Aug-20 18:40:34

You could send him a message with something like "Bumped into Bob the other day, and he mentioned you, so I thought i'd just check how you were getting on."

vincettenoir Sun 02-Aug-20 18:57:32

Consider whether this romanticising been prompted by the fact that you’re moving or whether you felt like it before.

Anoisagusaris Sun 02-Aug-20 19:01:48

You are being unreasonable purely by using the phrase ‘reaching out’.

TheParrotsBeak Sun 02-Aug-20 19:40:03

If he's single OP then go for it. You've nothing to lose and if it doesn't go the way you hope, I find the disappointment of that to be far less than the regret of wondering what if? Sorry not very articulate tonight but hopefully that made sense! Just messaged him!

DianaT1969 Sun 02-Aug-20 19:43:15

What could you gain the short term? I assume you can't be together for another year?
I would try to find someone new as you are here now. If you are both single when you get to your new country next year then you can pick it up.

plugplug Sun 02-Aug-20 21:06:15

I have felt like this ever since we broke up, that was before even knowing I could possibly move where he currently lives.

He was in a relationship last time we spoke so I can only assume they're still together. I don't have him on any social media at all so couldn't do any stalking even if I wanted to.

I took the plunge as I had a bit of a brave (maybe stupid) moment and texted him. I asked if I could give him a call sometime so let's see what he says. I reckon I can't do this through text like a teenager and feel it's only worth it if I can say it like a normal conversation.

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Potatobug Sun 02-Aug-20 21:09:52

You can casually tell him you are moving where he is and whether he would be up for a friendly coffee and chat one day but don’t mention any feelings and such.

crimsonlake Sun 02-Aug-20 21:18:44

Since you already know he is probably still in a relationship I do not think it was very fair on his partner that youstill got in contact regardless....

plugplug Sun 02-Aug-20 21:27:57

I will admit it was very selfish and maybe even inappropriate to have contacted him a couple months ago even though I knew he was in a relationship back then. It was his birthday so that was the very dumb excuse I told myself to make it sound appropriate in my head

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crimsonlake Tue 04-Aug-20 08:09:01

Very inappropriate since you knew, imagine how you would feel if the shoe was on the other foot?
You are obviously missing something in your life, but it is time to move forward not back.
Look to the future as that is the way you are going.

dontgobaconmyheart Tue 04-Aug-20 09:23:44

Covid 19 seems to have everyone texting an ex or hearing from them. I don't think it means he's the one that got away OP. I doubt he would have if he either was or felt the same.

Very strange and inappropriate of you to have messaged wanting him back or to express you basically regret breaking up, when he has a partner. Hopefully he'll ignore it or politely decline but men do often love a free ego boost on the side don't they so never seem to be able to resist this sort of thing. A birthday is hardly a legitimate excuse, you say yourself you arent even connected on social media so can hardly be called friends.

I would assume the urge is more about your own life and unfulfilled needs than it actually is him. You don't even know him now as it stands. I hope the desire to move where he is is something that would have been on the cards if you'd never heard he lived there, and the decision to move has nothing to do with a fantasy that close proximity will tempt fate.

YoBeaches Tue 04-Aug-20 09:37:11

Reality check. Regardless of your feelings, he doesn't regret the break up. If he did he would have let you know. Instead he's with someone else.

Men don't fanny about like many women do with hearts and minds and feeling woefully love lost.

You do need to move on. If telling him how you feel is the way to do that then go for it, but don't expect him to say he feels the same.

Plus - nothing has changed. The reasons you broke up still exist today. Do you really expect "I might be moving to your country in a year or so" to be a good enough solution right now? A good enough reason for him to dump his partner and fall in love with you again... ? And I suspect there was more to your break up than just distance. It's easy to forget that bad bits.

Reiterating that he his, to your knowledge, happy with someone else. How do we know this...? Because he isn't calling you....

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