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I've created a lose-lose situation

(90 Posts)
groundrightdown Sun 02-Aug-20 17:08:48

For far too long I've hoped my DH would get me a specific present for my birthday or Christmas but, as he never did, I decided I would tell him, well, he's not a mind reader.

So after Christmas came and went I told him that there is a specific thing I would really like him to get for me. And he said the would have never thought to get me that.

Fast forward a few months, he asked me what I want for my birthday... sad He asked again and I reminded him, "I told you at Christmas time what I want". He wasn't very happy.

My birthday is next week. I'm 99% sure he has not got me anything yet. But now I feel like I've created a lose-lose situation. Either he does give me the present I've asked for, which he's doing under duress, or he doesn't, even though he knows it's what I want. So he'd be making a strong statement and steadfastly refusing.

I'm not sure what to do, or what I even possibly could do. Maybe I shouldn't have told him what I wanted but it's too late to do anything about that now. Anyway, it's out there now, it's up to him what he does with the information. He'll either get me the item I want, and I will appreciate that he considers my feelings or he gets me something else. And he'll probably expect me to act happy about it.

He could of course get me nothing but I don't think so. It's fine if he doesn't, better than getting me something I'm supposed to pretend to like. The thing I want is absolutely not expensive btw. That's not an issue. What would you do if you found yourself in this ridiculous corner?

OP’s posts: |
CharlotteCollinsneeLucas Sun 02-Aug-20 17:15:53

I would say, "Did you forget what I asked for after Christmas? Do you want a reminder?"

MikeUniformMike Sun 02-Aug-20 17:17:36

What is the present?
Is it within budget?

You need t o say something like:

"What I would really like for my birthday is a burgundy leather Alexa bag from Mulberry (substitute gift of choice), please. They sell them in John Lewis, and I know it's a bit expensive, I would treasure it for ever."

Then send him the link, and watch him order it or you'll end up with a black Mikel Coarse one.

OhioOhioOhio Sun 02-Aug-20 17:18:03

What else does he do? My bastard xh behaved like this, on purpose sabotaging small (and big) things I wanted to achieve.

AbbieFB Sun 02-Aug-20 17:18:06

Why didn’t he look happy when you reminded him? Is there any reason he would object to buying the item you’ve asked for?

MikeUniformMike Sun 02-Aug-20 17:18:10

Other gifts, shops and handbags are available.

groundrightdown Sun 02-Aug-20 17:18:14

Hi, thank you for your answer. I have already reminded him, so he does know. I told him about two weeks ago when he asked again.

OP’s posts: |
Feelingpoorlysick Sun 02-Aug-20 17:20:06

What's is the present you want?

I think it's strange he doesn't want to get you something that you've said you would like!

frazzledasarock Sun 02-Aug-20 17:20:29

If he gets you something you don’t like return it and swap it for whatever you do want.

Could you in future either agree no presents so neither of you gets the other anything, or just small token gifts. Or you do gift lists and pick something from that.

MikeUniformMike Sun 02-Aug-20 17:21:36

Often, people will buy you what they want to buy you, and it has no relevance to what you would like to receive.

Mumdiva99 Sun 02-Aug-20 17:23:27

It depends on what it is. My husband wants and air fryer. Bloody ridiculous gadget cluttering up the cupboards and sides doing exactly what the over and grill already does. I won't buy it for him on principle..... Maybe your choice of gift is in that category in which case your oh isn't being unreasonable.

Letseatgrandma Sun 02-Aug-20 17:23:53


Why didn’t he look happy when you reminded him? Is there any reason he would object to buying the item you’ve asked for?


Is there a reason why he doesn’t want to buy this item-what is it? What sort of thing does he normally buy you?

Thesuzle Sun 02-Aug-20 17:25:11

Did he “pull a face” the first time you mentioned it? Or only this time when you reminded him.
Really really want to know what the gift you want is, and what he does get you if not THE gift

Aquamarine1029 Sun 02-Aug-20 17:27:12

I would ask him directly as to why he asks what you want, and then deliberately ignores it, knowing this will hurt your feelings.

Seems to me he goes out of his way to demean you.

draughtycatflap Sun 02-Aug-20 17:28:48

Is it a lovingly hand-crafted ceramic penis beaker?

groundrightdown Sun 02-Aug-20 17:31:41

Mike, It's not an expensive thing at all. Seriously, you could get one for under £20 or a top of the line one wouldn't be more than £50/£60. He himself requested (and received) a birthday present of ~£350 in May.

Abbie, as for why he wouldn't want to get me this item... He'd probably say he'd be afraid he'd get it wrong. Ridiculous excuse. Ive told him any one I'd be delighted with. If my birthday passes without me unwrapping this specific gift from him I might just ask! "So, why didn't you get me (thing)?" But he might then feel he's being coerced into it. I've asked. If he refuses I don't want to move to begging.

Ohio, I have spoken to him in the past about not being supportive. Like I might say "I'd like to train to do X" and he'd pull a face and say "ooh, that's a bit hard. I can't do X either" (irrelevant) To be fair he has tried to take that on board but also I don't really share goals with him so much anymore.

OP’s posts: |
InfiniteSheldon Sun 02-Aug-20 17:32:03

If its an ternity ring you've spoilt it now even if you get it anything you should have bought yourself when he asked again.

RandomTree Sun 02-Aug-20 17:32:04

Is there a back story here OP? It seems weird that he wouldn't buy something he knows you want? Is it expensive?

RandomTree Sun 02-Aug-20 17:33:16

Sorry cross post.

OP, I don't understand how this is your fault in any way (as your thread title seems to imply).

BumbleBeee69 Sun 02-Aug-20 17:34:17

Fuck that for a game of cards.. just go buy it for yourself... Happy Birthday flowers

ShesMadeATwatOfMePam Sun 02-Aug-20 17:35:00

Why the fuck did you spend £350 on him when he couldn't be arsed to buy you a £20-60 gift you really wanted?

backseatcookers Sun 02-Aug-20 17:38:38

This just sounds like a shit relationship where both parties are unhappy. You expect him to fail and he doesn't really care if you think he does... why are uou together?

LemonTT Sun 02-Aug-20 17:39:29

I don’t understand this. You must have some idea why he is reluctant to buy it. It clearly isn’t the price. Please just say so. Then you can get advice on how to address this with him

Waiting it out like a martyr to see if he thwarts you is game playing and childish.

MikeUniformMike Sun 02-Aug-20 17:39:30

This is why I don't do presents.

I've done the bought requested present and got shite back too often.

AlternativePerspective Sun 02-Aug-20 17:39:50

OP why won’t you say what it is? Is it because you know that it’s something emotive and you know that some people might agree with him?

E.g. if my DP told me he wanted a voucher to get a tattoo there is no way in hell I would be financing it. Personally I don’t like one, would never pay for one, and although it’s his decision if he got one, if he wanted it that much then I’d expect him to be the one who paid for it.

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