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Partner going to family wedding with ex wife and their kids

(551 Posts)
Bibbitybobbottyboo Sun 02-Aug-20 15:01:07

Just that really, my partner of 20 months moved in with me at Easter. He has two daughters, seven and four and has been divorced two years after she cheated on him. I don’t have much contact with them at the request of his ex and he won’t stand up for me.

There’s been a wedding pencilled on the calendar for ages, his side of the family, happening in October. It involves travelling up to Scotland on the Friday, staying overnight, wedding on the Saturday and driving back Sunday. Sounds ridiculous but I always assumed I was going with him. Cue a bizarre conversation this morning when I mentioned buying a new dress for the wedding only to be told that he was going with the girls and his ex and not me. Apparently his cousin who is getting married is still close to his ex and wants her there, and as such they feel it is appropriate to go as friends together. Their room is a twin room with two single beds and a set of bunk beds. I have to trust him that nothing will happen he says.

I feel devastated by it and he doesn’t take on board why. He just says that it is important to go as a family for their children.

OP’s posts: |
DeRigueurMortis Sun 02-Aug-20 15:03:10

I wouldn't mind him attending the wedding in this situation and even travelling together but I'd draw the line at sharing a room - even if the kids are in it.

Notcoolmum Sun 02-Aug-20 15:14:23

I'd hate that. If the bride wanted her there why not invite her in her own right? I'd also be upset about being excluded from a big family event as an established partner.

TinkersTailor Sun 02-Aug-20 15:16:03

I'd be fuming that after 20 months he would rather attend a family wedding with his ex-wife rather than you.
It's not as if you've only just started seeing each other, you live together.

I'd not be happy about them sharing a room either.

The ex-wife also won't let you see the kids? That's not up to her!
What happens when they come to see their dad?

The dynamic of this is all wrong. I'd be having a conversation with him about how you feel.

ForeverRedSkinhead Sun 02-Aug-20 15:20:29

It looks like there's no space for you to really be part of his life.

This probably isn't what you want to read , but I'd end this relationship.

PicsInRed Sun 02-Aug-20 15:20:30

Going with her, just told you that you aren't even invited and sharing a room? How humiliating for you.

He needs to move out of your house immediately.

This relationship is clearly less serious for him than it is for him. Did he need a place to live by any chance? Again, he needs to go.

wildcherries Sun 02-Aug-20 15:22:19

He'd be out of my house.

Bibbitybobbottyboo Sun 02-Aug-20 15:22:46

We’ve had the conversation, I’ve told him how left out and hurt I am. He feels that his kids come first and they need to spend time with the pair of them at family events. He feels that it is normal. As for the room, he says it is too expensive for separate rooms and as all they’ll be doing is sleeping in it, he doesn’t see the issue. He has made it clear he considers me to be untrusting and says this will be a major issue in our future if I continue to have issues with him doing family events with his ex.

OP’s posts: |
PicsInRed Sun 02-Aug-20 15:22:47

I would also query whether she actually cheated on him and when the true end date of their marriage was. For some reason he doesn't want you to meet the family and that is often due to fear of the disclosure of inconvenient facts. If there was overlap, that would explain her feelings about you.

Bibbitybobbottyboo Sun 02-Aug-20 15:23:37

I assumed that I would go with him, the kids with us or his ex if invited. I didn’t think I’d be excluded. I feel devastated.

OP’s posts: |
PicsInRed Sun 02-Aug-20 15:23:49

As for the room, he says it is too expensive for separate rooms and as all they’ll be doing is sleeping in it, he doesn’t see the issue. He has made it clear he considers me to be untrusting

Gaslighting fuck that he is.

fastnfurious Sun 02-Aug-20 15:24:12

Wow op YADNBU no wonder you're upset.

20months and living together and he thinks is ok? I think you have to make a stand now and say either you go with them, he doesn't go or he can move out.... if he's not putting you first now, he never will. Please make a stand

RedRumTheHorse Sun 02-Aug-20 15:25:01

Give your lodger 7 days notice to leave as according to him you clearly aren't in a serious relationship.

Also next time you meet a father who you see for an exact year but doesn't introduce you to his children especially due to his ex's preference dump him immediately.

Silentfrog Sun 02-Aug-20 15:25:07

I'd leave him as this sounds like it's going to me more that just this once.
I'm sorry OPflowers

fastnfurious Sun 02-Aug-20 15:25:48

100% what @PicsInRed said!

Bibbitybobbottyboo Sun 02-Aug-20 15:26:03

I have met his family lots of times, it’s just the issue with the ex. I’ve seen her adultery listed on the divorce paperwork so I do believe that.

OP’s posts: |
wildcherries Sun 02-Aug-20 15:26:05

Bibbitybobbottyboo

I assumed that I would go with him, the kids with us or his ex if invited. I didn’t think I’d be excluded. I feel devastated.

I would have thought the same, OP. That what would be normal to me. He is a gaslighting bastard. I'd tell him you're done.

Queenoftheashes Sun 02-Aug-20 15:26:19

LTB. He is gaslighting you; this isn’t normal behaviour and sets the scene for him treating you like shite for the rest of your relationship.

TwentyViginti Sun 02-Aug-20 15:26:45

Bin the twat.

Alltneteabagshavegone Sun 02-Aug-20 15:26:59

PicsInRed

I would also query whether she actually cheated on him and when the true end date of their marriage was. For some reason he doesn't want you to meet the family and that is often due to fear of the disclosure of inconvenient facts. If there was overlap, that would explain her feelings about you.

Got it in one.

TulipsTwoLips Sun 02-Aug-20 15:27:35

If I was one of the kids I would find that very confusing.

wildcherries Sun 02-Aug-20 15:27:56

TulipsTwoLips

If I was one of the kids I would find that very confusing.

Yes!

Dozer Sun 02-Aug-20 15:28:01

Sharing a room is inappropriate and v disrespectful towards you.

Wouldn’t want to continue this relationship, and certainly wouldn’t want to live with him!

How does he have his DC overnight if you live together and he wants to minimise his DCs’ contact with you?

Toilenstripes Sun 02-Aug-20 15:28:27

Bin him.

FaceOfASpink Sun 02-Aug-20 15:29:33

This is all wrong. Mum can take the kids or he can take them but either way it's definitely unreasonable to be sharing a room. She cheated but he's not over her if he's prepared to go along with this.

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