Fed up of parenting with this idiot

[helloareyouthere]

Ok, I have lots of issues with DS's dad, but I will limit thread to one issue.
DS, mid primary age, is a very anxious child, something I am trying to address. One of the things he is anxious about has been caused entirely by his idiot father. His father keeps telling him disaster stories. I have repeatedly told him not to do this as it frightens DS. In particular, not to tell him about bridges collapsing as this freaks DS out. I long had difficulty getting him over a bridge to a favourite play areas as he refused to cross in case it collapses. He freaked out a few weeks ago when we were in a traffic queue, and he noticed it was on a bridge and started to panic and wanted us to turn around in case the bridge collapsed. Its the same with going under bridges in case they collapse on top of us. I have been telling DS over and over that bridges don't collapse as people check them regularly to make sure they are safe. In car with DS and his dad the other day. DS already starting to freak as we got lost, he asks his Dad how people check bridges are safe, his fucking dad replies by telling him another story about a bridge that collapsed whilst people were on it!
The man is an idiot. I am fucking sick of him.

[MrsSSG]

Are you in a relationship with ds's dad still?

He sounds abusive and sadistic. Your poor DS

[helloareyouthere]

No I am not in a relationship with him, but he't still their bloody dad.

He's not emotionally literate enough to be sadistic. Hes' just a fucking self obsessed idiot. All that happens is 'bridge' reminds him of disaster story. 'Bridge' does not remind him that his son is scared of bridges and needs reassuring.

[Patbutcherismyhero]

Reminds me a lot of my ex. Just says and does idiotic and impulsive things without thinking of how it could affect dc. Unfortunately there's little you can do other than reiterate to your ds that daddy speaks shit (obviously in a nicer way) and reassure him.
It's so hard and frustrating when you're co parenting with someone who has such different values and approaches to you, it feels like all the good work you do is undone. But do remember that kids aren't kids forever and as he grows up your ds will hopefully realise that daddy is a bit silly at times.

[helloareyouthere]

different values and approaches to you

He doesn't have a value and approach. That would imply he spent any time whatsoever thinking about who his children are and what is best for them. And he doesn't (though he thinks he is a brilliant father ) Indeed the fact he thinks he is a brilliant father is part of the problem, as it means he never needs to think about what he is doing and whether it is working out for DS - because he is brilliant! Its a very convenient way to never have to put in any work to anything!

[MyOwnSummer]

Christ on a bike. Hope your DS is ok.

Not sure what to suggest, but you can't fix stupid. Is there anyone he actually listens to? Maybe you could get them on side.

[vikingwife]

I cracked up laughing at your thread title

& reading it confirms what a dickhead he is. Someone with no filter, I hate when parents try to treat their kid like their best mate & that’s not a child conversation.

In my experience people who claim to be amazing parents are often average at best.

[vikingwife]

Also I actually have a “thing” for bridges & enjoy watching bridge building videos on YouTube. Like vintage documentaries on how the syd harbour bridge was built.

I bet your son is capable of learning the facts so he can be like “dad you’re wrong bridges ARE safe”. The more his dad’s stories are debunked hopefully the less likely he will be to absorb the shit he spouts & question him.

[cakeandchampagne]

When that stuff comes up, maybe you can counter with stories about rescues, and the training, equipment, and people who handle big problems & emergencies.

[fuckinghellapeacock]

What did you do?
I'd have blown my top at him.

[helloareyouthere]

That's such a good idea VikingWife - maybe I can get DS to watch some bridge building or safety videos!

I really am fed up of their Dad. I can't tell you how head bangingly frustrating he is. You never get anywhere when you talk to him - its' just denial, denial, denial. I really, really wish he wasn't their Dad. I really, really wish he wasn't any part of my life.

[helloareyouthere]

What did you do?
I'd have blown my top at him

I did, later, but then of course its just ' you are so horrible to me. Why are you so horrible to me?' Because its all about him, not about his son, its about him and how he feels. Because that is all there is in his world, just a big fat him, so huge that is blocks his sight of anyone else (metaphorically).

[Puddingpi]

My elder son’s dad is very much like this. Constantly telling him inappropriate things like he’s chatting to a mate and all round shit parent who is incapable of putting his child’s needs before himself.

When my son was younger, I did put a lot of effort into trying to ensure he wouldn’t do this. Sometimes worked, sometimes didn’t. Often needed to manipulate him or compliment him in some way so he would comply.

He is now twelve and I can’t control what his dad says. I discuss it with my son when it comes up. We do discuss that his dad often says silly things or shouldn’t have done the things he has done, and it isn’t right. My son can see and agree to this, but I don’t push it because he feels guilty for thinking bad of his dad and gets upset. I try to keep it as just one little conversation which is quite light. It’s difficult to find the balance because I don’t want him to think I am “slagging off” his dad (which he has accused me of before) but I don’t want him to think I condone his behaviour because I don’t say anything. I don’t want my son to think it is acceptable to not be a priority for your own dad!

You have my sympathy, it is so crap when you can’t trust the other parent to just be a decent person. I used to get pretty fed up of smug people talking about how they manage to co-parent brilliantly and stupid quotes posted to social media to show how mature they were, putting their child first. Only works if both parents are willing! I was pretty resentful that it was implied that I wasn’t doing a good enough job and must be immature because I couldn’t force his dad to step up.

[helloareyouthere]

I was pretty resentful that it was implied that I wasn’t doing a good enough job and must be immature because I couldn’t force his dad to step up

I feel a bit like this. Well I feel resentful that I am putting in all the effort but any problems DS has will be seen as my fault entirely - because mothers tend to get the shit. I resent that I feel guilt for DS, do all the work to help him whilst his fucking Father feels no guilt or remorse but gets to enjoy playing at being a dad without any of the practical or emotional labour that goes into that. It's so fucking unfair.

[Tappering]

I'm not being horrible to you. I am pointing out that you are selfish. You literally do not care that he has panic attacks and is terrified of bridges now, thanks to you. I am telling you what you have done to your own son. And to keep doing it suggests that you WANT him to be frightened, and to have panic attacks and be terrified of travelling in case the journey involves a bridge.

So think on that next time you think it's "funny" to share another of your shitty disaster stories.

[Doyoumind]

If you look on CBBC iPlayer there is an episode of Absolute Genius with Dick and Dom about bridges.

My DC's dad thinks it's funny to scare my DC. He's a bully. I left HIM and although I can't change or stop his behaviour I can counter it with my own. Leave him.

[Regularsizedrudy]

I wish I had some useful advice op! He sounds like an absolutely self absorbed fuck wit!

[helloareyouthere]

He sounds like an absolutely self absorbed fuck wit!

This! Completely this!

[helloareyouthere]

Thanks @Doyoumind

[vikingwife]

So sorry you’re tied to this buffoon & that my nerdy YouTube video choices have helped you!

The bridge that makes me cry with joy to see is tower bridge London... and yes I thought it was London Bridge until my trusty A-Z map advised me otherwise

Who knows, maybe one day your son will become an engineer & it was all because of this silly bridge business

[helloareyouthere]

He does like making things. I am hoping for engineering as a future career choice!

[Sssloou]

It’s not about bridges.

Your child is anxious. Read up on the causes of anxiety in children and techniques to build emotional resilience.

Don’t get distracted with the antics of your dickhead ex. He will never fix it - so don’t waste your finite energy there - save it for your son.

[SteelyPanther]

Wow, surely that comes under emotional abuse if he continues to do it.

[heartache590]

Tell DS's dad to teach him how bridges are made.

I went and did this to my DS where i told him a story about cars. Classic stupid dad stuff.... we then built a lego engine... watched videos on how they work... it was actually really good fun, but yes it started with me being an idiot and causing him to get scared of the car...

[NearlyGranny]

Physics. Physics is the answer. Your DS is the perfect age for the bridge-buikding videos and some fun construction using everyday materials. Playing about with how strong and long-lasting these structures can be and how brilliant the engineers who design(ed) them are/were will empower him. If he can spout the style of bridge to his DF and some technical facts about its construction and materials, his DF will have lost his power to frighten him.

Every time I leave my home county by rail I cross a bridge built in 1859 by Isambard Kingdom Brunel. You could start with that one and how many times of train it carries every day! Another brilliant bridge is the long Ørresund one from Copenhagen to Malmö in Sweden where the trains run under the roadway, but there are loads in the UK he will be clamouring to visit.

Bottom line: don't try to modify the adult; develop the child!

[Thelittleweasel]

As @MyOwnSummer suggests is there someone whom he respects in some way that would have a very firm word with in a calm way [not you "obviously"] and lay out ground rules which he would take notice of.

To some degree I fear it is hopeless though

@helloareyouthere