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Aibu or is he being overly sensitive?(14 Posts)
We spent yesterday at my parents house with my brother. Whilst dp was out of the room we started talking about rubbish parking stories - eg when I impaled my car on a bollard and had to get a random bloke to physically lift my little crappy car off it. Bro mentioned a time when dp did pretty bad parking in his block of flats, which is really hard to park in. Everyone laughed and dp walked in just to hear the story. I said ‘have you ever tried to park in there?!’ to brother to stick up for dp. Dp has now been in a grump about it since, saying it was very rude for my family to be laughing behind his back. I said yes it was a bit rude of bro but it’s not about anything important and I stuck up for him. Imo dp just gets hugely oversensitive about small things sometimes and we fight about it. It’s a waste of energy I think as we have much bigger problems that I won’t go into here (life stuff).
We are supposed to be going on holiday with bro in a few days and I was looking forward to it - we are quite skint and have a new baby and have been exhausted and miserable for weeks. now I can see he is going to be upset at bro for the whole time and spoil something we can’t really afford but which we thought we would treat ourselves for as a bit of a light in the darkness as it were.
For background this isn’t a pattern of family behaviour - they aren’t catty, we generally all get along well. If they generally were out of order and this was emblematic of that I could understand but this I just find silly. Aibu? How would you deal with the situation?
Your brother was not completely out of order. But he should know better than to make someone the butt of their story, especially if that person is sensitive. It’s not a kind thing to do. Maybe all your DP needs is for you to see that.
I would not have appreciated my brother doing what yours did and would have told my husband that.
I would also help my husband work on is self esteem and resilience. In the meantime have a plan for how to deal with your brothers “jokes” at other peoples expense.
Thank you. I agree it wasn’t great behaviour at all and I’ve acknowledged it was rude. I guess if it were me i wouldn’t have said anything about it. I feel like we have this pattern of me having to reassure him a lot / work on his self esteem. Now that I have a baby I’m just exhausted by it all.
How do you know your partner will be angry the whole time? Is that his usual behaviour?
It’s happened previously. He’ll be lovely to everyone else and then quite sulky with me is my prediction. He’ll also moan before we go about going, but will still come when I suggest he doesn’t
I don't think he's overly sensitive, I think he was looking for something to blame on you. Is his pattern to take his 'sensitivity' out on you and ruin what should be lovely times for you? Does this also happen on other times that should be good for you - birthdays etc? By being lovely to everyone else and sulky/moany to you, he gets to look like the nice guy and still manage to spoil your fun. You're obviously hyperaware of his 'sensitivity' and ready jump to his 'defence' to try to make him feel better - do you ever get to relax around him when you're out with your friends and family? Is the dynamic the same when it's his?
You can't boast someone's self esteem and resilience if they want to wallow in their perceived sensitivity. Nor if it's a manipulative means is getting their own way. Does he even want to go on this holiday? Or does he want to make sure you don't enjoy it for some reason?
I don’t know. I think it’s probably somewhere in between having a reason for feeling small (brother being insensitive) and what you say. It’s so hard to know which it really is. I do think having a baby should make you be more resilient and realise it’s not about you / that you should not pick on small things that will cause arguments in the household. And in my mind this is a small thing, but maybe I’m wrong in that.
I do worry it’s what you say though - that he is doing this to make me walk on eggshells a bit which is obviously very unhealthy.
In answer to your question I’m sure he would rather go on holiday with his family. I tried to get his friends to come but they couldn’t. If it were his family and friends I would just make the best of it and look forward to it and have a nice time. I feel exhausted by having to chivvy him along to be happy and take care of the baby. I find myself saying ‘I just want everyone to have a nice time!’ In arguments with him Far too much which makes me sound ridiculous
Sorry not chivvy him along to take care of the baby - he does that anyway. I mean chivvy him and take care of the baby which is exhausting
@Thingsdogetbetter i think you are fishing for something that isnt there.
He is being overly sensitive and needs to lighten up. We all have imperfections and people will make jokes about them.
He sounds exhausting frankly. FGS getting upset about a stupid parking story. It doesn't sound malicious at all.
I think you are expressing yourself very well about just not wanting to have to "manage" your husband when you have a new baby.
If I were you I would say to him "look I really want to go on this holiday and have a change of scene. I would rather you came too but only if you are going to get over your upset with both me and my brother. Otherwise I will go on my own. I cannot enjoy the holiday with you being difficult."
And leave the ball in his court. If you keep letting him get away with this behaviour then your life will get worse .
@Wimbledon1983, is there a chance your partner has engineered being so upset because he wants an excuse to sulk on a holiday he doesn’t want to go on?
Whoops, @Thingsdogetbetter has already said what I meant to say!
I lived like this for four long years. It got to the point where I couldn't say anything about him to anyone. He said I worded things badly and made him sound like a twat. I absolutely hated the sulking in public waiting for us to be alone so he could rip in to me. I did stop talking about him to people to the point where I was actually scared to speak about him just in case he found out. Anytime anyone else said something he would take offence to I would panic into trying to make it sound less hurtful to him. It was exhausting and meant I only had him for company because it was too complicated to be with others.
I don't know what to suggest. Would he look at therapy or something to address his sensitivity of it's a self esteem issue? If he's not open to that without seeing it as criticism then there's not much you can do.
Is he likely to tear into you if you enjoy the holiday by ignoring his big childish sulk? What happens if you give him attention, is that also doing the wrong thing?