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TRIGGER WARNING abused by adopted sibling

(16 Posts)
SpongebobNoPants Sat 01-Aug-20 03:38:38

I am a bit drunk now so I apologise for my spelling and grammar. I’m not a troll, I’ve been on MN for 5 years or so but have name changed several times to avoid being outed on various topics.

A recent post on here made me reevaluate several incidents in my childhood which have plagued me for long time.

I was molested repeatedly by an extended family member who my parents ended up adopting.

She came from a very abusive background.. her mother was a raging alcoholic and was a cousin of my mother.

My parents saw what a state she was in and because she was the same age as my brother they decided to take her into our home.

She shared a bedroom with me. I was 4 at the time she came to live with us and she was 7 nearly 9.

She abused me. Physically, mentally and emotionally,

I am not sure how to cope with this. She left our family at 16 to go back to her mother and sisters even though she was adopted by my parents.
Since then (20 years ago) I’ve had very little to do with her.

We’ve recently had a death in the family which has caused her to get back in touch, everyone is accepting her with open arms but I can’t now stop remembering what she did to me.

I can’t cope. Every time I hear her name I want to be sick but I feel I can’t say anything now because it’s been so long and I don’t know anyone will believe me.

The things she did to me were vile. But she was only a little girl herself (8-12 yrs)

The rational adult in me knows she was just a kid who had clearly been abused herself.

But I cannot let this feeling go or stop the horrible feeling I have when I hear her name

OP’s posts: |
PicklePig31 Sat 01-Aug-20 05:21:46

Didn’t want to read and run @SpongebobNoPants.

This is absolutely heartbreaking and you need to speak to someone in RL. Do you have anyone?

Could you speak to your mum?

Other posters will be along soon to support ad with better advice xxxx

SpongebobNoPants Sat 01-Aug-20 07:59:03

Thank you @PicklePig31

I can speak to my mum but it’s so hard. They had no idea and still feel like they failed her as even after she became part of our family unit and they loved her and cared for her, as soon as she was able she went straight back to her biological mum and all the lifestyle that came with her.

My mum is such a good person, I’m worried I’ll break her heart if I tell her now what I went through.
My adopted sister went through so much too. After leaving us she went on to have her first baby at 16, then another with a man who eventually died of an overdose. She managed to turn her life around and has made a good life for her children, who are adults and doing very well for themselves.

Everyone is now proud of her, my mum included. My mum is also credited for my adopted sister’s successes and praised for giving her such a good role model.

Then here I am, knowing that all of this came at an extreme cost to my own childhood and mental health. Knowing what she did to me.

How do I tell my mum that? She did a good thing, with pure intentions and it led to her own child being molested sad

OP’s posts: |
category12 Sat 01-Aug-20 08:08:56

Have you ever had any counselling? It might be worth speaking with NAPAC and working through what happened with someone. Then you can decide with professional support whether you want to tell your mum or not.

Sorry you experienced this. flowers

PicklePig31 Sat 01-Aug-20 08:18:24

Oh my goodness @SpongebobNoPants but this isn’t your fault. You need to speak to someone. Is there anyone, other than your mum, that you’re close to/can confide in within the family?

CourtneyLurve Sat 01-Aug-20 08:21:40

Everything you're feeling is valid, OP. flowers Victims of child-on-child abuse suffer just as much as adult-on-child abuse. The intent may be different, but the damage is the same.

I would suggest speaking to www.thesurvivorstrust.org/find-support or a similar group so you can discuss with a neutral party.

Cheetahfajita Sat 01-Aug-20 08:31:44

No advice but we are here for you, I hope you can get good advice thanks

Aknifewith16blades Sat 01-Aug-20 08:53:55

OP, I'm so sorry this happened to you, and so sorry you are now having to deal with the fallout.

I would second seeking counselling. You need support for yourself and to help you to decide whether or not to disclose.

From my own experience of disclosing a different situation to family it's hard, but worthwhile. Your mum sounds like a strong, caring woman. Maybe it's time to redirect some of that care towards yourself (with the help of a councillor)?

SpongebobNoPants Sat 01-Aug-20 08:57:09

@category12 I had counselling a few years back for ptsd unrelatedly to the CSA I suffered. Without going into too much detail my dad died in a very sudden and traumatic way which really affected me. We touched on my childhood during the counselling but apart from what my adopted sister did to me, I had an idyllic childhood.
I had wonderful parents who adored me, a brother who I thought was the coolest guy around, a lovely home, fantastic holidays to amazing places.

Because of all of this I feel awful for having the experiences I had with my adopted sister.
I feel dirty and sick when I think about it.

And those wonderful memories are tainted with a black cloud I feel hanging over me. If I look at my family photos I see lovely pictures of me and my parents and bother on holiday for example and it’s nice beach pictures... happy memories. Then I remember my adopted sister showering the sand off me in the hotel and hurting me.

My mum and dad were totally unaware. They knew I didn’t really like her but would brush it off as “oh she’s a bit jealous having to share her daddy / bedroom / toys with another little girl”

OP’s posts: |
category12 Sat 01-Aug-20 09:06:27

I think counselling/therapy concentrating on the sexual abuse would be helpful. It sounds like you've put it in a box, and now it's escaping because of circumstances, but it's always been there in the background.

It is OK to have emotions around your mum for not realising, for not protecting you, for getting all this acclaim for "turning around" this girl who abused you.

calllaaalllaaammma Sat 01-Aug-20 10:06:55

I think that you have the right to put some boundaries around this woman and the right to exclude her from your life, and so I think that you must tell your mum some part of it, at least.

If not could you approach your brother about it perhaps?

Sorry this awful thing happened to you x

LadyEloise Wed 05-Aug-20 20:12:26

OP That is very difficult for you.
Your Mum would be devastated that she put you in harm's way.
I would, if I were you, research @CourtneyLurve's suggestion re counselling for what happened during your childhood.
I hope you get the support you need. thanks

Sssloou Wed 05-Aug-20 22:56:23

I am so sorry that this happened to you.

There are lots of layers to this - but the most important layer - is you - you were a little 4 year old girl sexually, physically and emotionally molested over many years in your own family home and you are the victim here. You are the priority - your recovery and healing needs to be front and centre - not lost for the feelings of others who are not the victims. Even your cousin - she may well already have had therapy for her own childhood trauma.

You are still paying the price, holding this pain, holding secrets at the cost of your MH - which will stop you fully immersing yourself in a fulfilling life. You need to reclaim your life and to be set free from this horror. Maybe her being back in touch is a good thing if it helps you surface the horrors you are repressing.

For your sake you really need support from
a specialist to manage your disclosure and help you heal. Once this is in place you might feel strong enough to tell your mother in a more supported way and/or to approach your cousin. Or you might choose not to do that right now. But it will be within your choice and control. The power is with you.

The most important layer is your personal recovery. I really hope that you can reach out for support to stop this trauma hijacking your life any longer.

I am so sorry you endured this and sorry you also lost your DF so traumatically.

Thisisworsethananticpated Wed 05-Aug-20 23:51:23

I’m so sorry this happened
It’s even harder because child or not, she really really wronged you

I don’t have any advice as I am no expert
But there will be , and I hope they can give you good advice

I massively wish you well , such things can be if not overcome , become less traumatic

I wish you very well as you handle this

And (going back on what I said ) I do think , child or not there should be some restorative justice . As appropriate . How that can be done I don’t know

Thisisworsethananticpated Wed 05-Aug-20 23:54:48

Sssloou
Wonderful words , so true

OP I can’t articulate what PP said but I so agree flowers

EvilPea Thu 06-Aug-20 08:49:00

I am so sorry this happened to you.

Different circumstances but I was abused by another older girl too.
As an adult looking in its very hard as you know they’ve clearly had it done to them to get to that point.
However, it’s still messes you up. It’s not an excuse that makes our pain go away. It doesn’t make it acceptable that they did it to us.

I have a very tricky relationship with my parents now and I’ve toyed with telling them. For me, other than sharing the grief and pain I don’t think it will achieve anything. They will feel worse, and I won’t feel better. In fact I think I’d feel worse for further hurting them.
I completely caveat that with that being my decision, doesn’t make it right for anyone else.

I am now so paranoid about my children. It’s so rarely spoken about, or admitted that it happens. Especially the ignorance of “women and girls aren’t abusers”. I can write fairly freely on here about it, but I could never find the words in real life to say what happened to me.

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