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Newish Boyfriend Advice

(8 Posts)
seensome Fri 31-Jul-20 20:17:07

I started seeing my boyfriend last September, we had a few months break during lockdown as I found him to be a bit immature, he is 8 years younger than me, not experienced marriage and children, I'm divorced with DC, we have a very strong attraction to each other and feelings too, contact each other every day and see each other at the weekend, however every Friday he goes to the pub, mostly on his own after work and gets drunk, I'll get a drunken phone call from him when he gets home, sometimes if I arrange to see him Saturday evening, he will have already started drinking during the day an by the time I see him, he's drunk!

I'm wanting a serious relationship where it can process to living together, marriage again maybe one day, he's said he's not ready for a big commitment like that for at least 2-3 years, I quite understand that it's sensible too not to rush anything.
But the drinking, he's always moving about too, I'm not sure what to do, risk staying with him and him staying immature, am I not easy going enough or am I wasting time?

OP’s posts: |
LilMissRe Fri 31-Jul-20 20:25:00

I personally would leave him. My experience has shown me that people do not change, so whatever bothers you now, will chip at you for years until it becomes the thing you end the relationship over. He does seem immature and the alcohol can be a door to huge host of problems. As you have not invested much, it's best to leave.

That's only my opinion OP. I think you deep down know what you want to do, and coming onto MN and writing the post is confirmation of that. I do the same; seek answers to check what my gut has told me and that's because what my gut tells me and what my heart and mind tell me are very different. Your gut is telling you something is 'off' and I'd listen to it

seensome Fri 31-Jul-20 20:52:30

Your right, I know what I need to do but it's hard to let go when I feel a lot for him and I know he would start pursuing me again if I end it.

OP’s posts: |
Remona Fri 31-Jul-20 20:55:11

You want very different things. He wants to party and have a good time. You want to settle down. It’s not going to work.

CodenameVillanelle Fri 31-Jul-20 20:56:34

You aren't going to get what you want from this young lad. Come on.

JoJoSM2 Fri 31-Jul-20 21:01:33

You want very different things. He wants to party and have a good time. You want to settle down. It’s not going to work.

Exactly. It takes a lot more than finding someone hot to form a mature, long-term relationship.

LilMissRe Fri 31-Jul-20 21:50:20

That's what I think too OP. Though it is hard, your heart is attaching to him, but your gut and mind are telling you otherwise. You may like the idea of him, and what you imagined it could look like in the future, but that is not reality I'm afraid. You'll find a guy who will be on the same level as you in terms of values and what you want in life, but the longer you stay with you current bf, the longer it will take you to meet a much better man.

Him pursuing you is a given, because he is insecure and he will test you. This is where you must maintain your boundaries and say no. Otherwise, you would unintentionally teach him that this poor treatment is acceptable to you, and gives him the green light to continue, or even escalate.

It won't be easy, but it is doable- and you'll grow from this smile

seensome Fri 31-Jul-20 22:22:21

I know, with his behaviour I can't see myself tolerating much more, I just hope I and stay strong when it ends that I don't give in again

OP’s posts: |

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