Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.
This is a Premium feature
To use this feature subscribe to Mumsnet Premium - get first access to new features see fewer ads, and support Mumsnet.Start using Mumsnet Premium
Anyone else staying out of habit / fears / loneliness or other reasons ??(3 Posts)
There are some issues I just cannot stand and I often feel I want to leave OH, but something always stops me. Anyone else or any advice ??
He thinks he is always right, he cannot just respectfully accept that others can have a different opinion than him. He will shout over, be abrupt, dismissive, mocking etc. He is like this with anyone he's 'comfortable' with ie me, his family, his friends, online. He reigns it in in other situations and in that way I think it's abusive. He is honestly not abusive in any other way (I've checked the other signs) but this aspect makes everything so hard.
He contributes equally but is bad with money so I need to deal with everything.
He drinks too much and refuses to change this. To be fair, so do I. I recognise it's unhealthy though and do dry months.
The reasons I don't leave are -
I don't want to spend more time away from the DC. This is one of my big issues, I'm an anxious mother.
I do still love him.
I hate the thought of him with someone else. I don't think I'd be able to handle that for a long time if ever.
I don't have many other people in my life or any social life to speak of. I do get on with my family but we have never been in the habit of seeing much of each other in person and that won't change. I've two friends, one close, but they live far away and we see each other about twice a year. No one else 'gets' me like he does. I left home young - although not to be with OH - and he's the only person I've been close to as an adult.
He does have many, many good points which I love him for and I know he loves me in his own way. But I recognise that he won't ever change the bad points I listed. He would maybe if I left him, but I know he'd revert to type again quickly.
How do you deal with the swinging indecision ?? And also repeatedly getting hurt every time he shouts down my opinion or view. Today's was he is adamant cooked meat can be left out for days if covered 'because it's cooked' , I said no way that's a food poisoning risk. He insisted. Then we went back and forward a few times and eventually starts raising his voice and calling me an idiot and that he knows because he used to work in a butchers then walked out the room. Even when he's blatantly wrong he is always right. Conspiracy theories too.
What do you get out of this relationship now?
What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?.
Do you love him or are you really confusing that with codependency, that is far more likely here given he is a drunkard. Alcoholism and codependency often go hand in hand. Let’s not forget either that he is abusive towards you as well. The only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is none. This relationship is over or should be. You cannot act as a rescuer or saviour in a relationship.
You are letting down both yourself and your children abjectly by currently choosing to remain with this man for what are really shit poor reasons. He and his behaviour towards you is likely to be a big part of your anxiety happening in the first place. If he was with someone else I would consider you as having dodged a bullet. He is not good relationship material.
What do you think your children here are learning about relationships from you two?.
Is this model of a relationship one you would want your DC to potentially repeat themselves?. I would think not and this is not good enough for you either. His actions towards you and in turn them are not loving ones are they?. All he wants is absolute power and control over you, that lies at the heart of abuse.
I’m in a very similar position so will read the replies with interest
Please login first.