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Relationships

Boyfriend wants me to have an abortion, I am confused and sad.

130 replies

confusedandsad123 · 30/07/2020 12:30

I only found out I was pregnant two days ago, this was completely unplanned. I've got a DC from a previous relationship, she is 6. I am young myself, only 26. Boyfriend is also 26. We've been together 18 months.

Our relationship has been very up and down, mainly due to the fact he lives some distance away and is reluctant to move in with me and DD full time. He will come for a couple of weeks, then go back home again as he says he needs space and being with me and DD is a lot of pressure and he gets no time to himself. DD is currently staying with her grandparents for the week but is due back on Saturday.

When I told him he made it clear he wasn't ready to be a dad and we wouldn't be together if I kept it, but he will support me with whatever decision as it is my body. The last few days have been incredibly stressful, we've both said and done things we don't mean, but today he has said he will support me through an abortion and with helping with DD whilst it's happening but we won't be together anymore. I don't want him here because he feels sorry for me or feels pity so I've told him to go.

I don't really know why I am writing this, I just want to get it out and tell someone. I am 26, DD is 6 and I wanted to complete my family before 30 ideally. I didn't (and don't) want a huge age gap. I also wanted a baby with someone who was committed to me, either by living or being engaged/married. I didn't want to be in this position facing being a single mum again. I am scared I won't meet anyone with 2 children to 2 different dads, I have found being a single parent very difficult at times. I am also scared of terminating, what the abortion will be like, how I will cope with DD being here, if it will be painful or gruesome. If I never meet anyone else, or have a baby in the future and the relationship breaks down and I become a single mum anyway, will I sorely regret this termination? I am just a mess of feelings and emotions. It's not fair to bring a baby knowing that one parent doesn't want it and it would take a time away from DD. I know the abortion is objectively the right thing to do, I just feel so sad and upset and I am scared I will regret this decision in the future.

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Sakurami · 30/07/2020 12:39

If I were you I would not want to be a single mum to another child again. Your dd is 6 which means you now have more freedom to work, go out and pursue what you want. Having another child with a man who doesn't want to be a father or a relationship with you doesn't sound great.

You're very young and have got lots of time to complete your family and live your life. I had my last baby at 40 and didn't start until my 30s.

It sounds like you're still early on in your pregnancy so I think it should be relatively straightforward.

But it is your body and you should only consider yourself and your existing child. Dont worry about what other people say or think (I'm sure there are lots of different opinions, but they dont matter)

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Lochie662 · 30/07/2020 12:43

First of all, I'm so sorry you're in this position. It seems very scary and stressful and it's going to maybe feel like there's no right way to turn. But there's also no completely wrong way to turn either.

Your boyfriend told you that you wouldn't be together if you kept the baby? But also told you that he would support you whatever? Yeah. That doesn't make sense. Whatever you decide you should be reconsidering this relationship.

It's a difficult decision to make. I myself have had a termination and it was stressful, but it was also the right thing to do and I have never regretted it .

I have also got pregnant early on in a relationship and I kept the child and and that was scary too but also the right thing. No one makes this decision lightly and you are right to take some time and consider what is right for you and for your daughter. That's all you should've thinking about.

Keep posting.

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MMmomDD · 30/07/2020 12:48

I’d not have another baby in your situation. Bf is clearly not sticking around.
You have plenty of time to meet someone and have more babies in the next 10-15 years. Age difference between kids is not that relevant anyway.
There is nothing gruesome about an abortion. And certainly not at this early stage. Most likely you can simply take a pill.

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SteelyPanther · 30/07/2020 13:02

Kick him out and keep your baby. He has said you are finished whether you keep the baby or not.
You are feeling this way due to pregnancy hormones and the disgusting way he is treating you.

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MorrisZapp · 30/07/2020 13:06

Don't worry about a gruesome termination. Assuming it's early days, you will be given a tablet. I don't know anyone who'd met the father of their kids by 26, it's very young. You've got absolutely ages to complete your family in whatever way suits you best.

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confusedandsad123 · 30/07/2020 13:10

He has gone now. I am on my own and actually feeling a lot better without him being here. He kept saying before he left that he loves me but we just need some time apart to 'reset' and if I need anything to text or call him straight away. What an absolute joke. At least this situation has shown me what an absolute shit he is.

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amillionwishes · 30/07/2020 13:11

Am I right in understanding that he's ending the relationship whichever route you take?

I have 3 kids to 2 different dads (I am also older than you) and it didn't prevent me from dating or meeting my current DP (although he also has a child from a previous relationship).

Being a lone parent is hard if you have no support from the child's other parent, but IMO would be made slightly easier for you if you have strong support from your own family. You need to consider how it would impact your working situation, and how it would affect your dd to have your attention focussed on a newborn without having another parent around to share the physical and emotional load.

If I was in your situation I would not be considering your (ex?) partner in any of your plans going forward and look only at how things will affect you and your dd Thanks

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confusedandsad123 · 30/07/2020 13:11

I just want to give my DD a big cuddle, Saturday can't come quick enough.

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Tempusfudgeit · 30/07/2020 13:13

Whatever you do, this is not the man for you.

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confusedandsad123 · 30/07/2020 13:13

Yes @amillionwishes. The relationship was very strained before this anyway as I was keen to progress our relationship to us living together and he was reluctant. He'd started to come and stay for a couple of weeks at a time, going home in-between for 'head space' as he felt it was very stressful and overwhelming being here with me and DD all the time and getting no break.

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Flutterpieandpinkieshy · 30/07/2020 13:17

@MorrisZapp

Don't worry about a gruesome termination. Assuming it's early days, you will be given a tablet. I don't know anyone who'd met the father of their kids by 26, it's very young. You've got absolutely ages to complete your family in whatever way suits you best.

What a stupid comment... How many women have children by the age of 26. Its not that young either....

I presume they all concieved immaculately as they've not yet met the father of thier childrenHmm
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amillionwishes · 30/07/2020 13:17

Well then @confusedandsad123 I think you are well rid, either way. You are still very young in the scheme of meeting someone to spend your life with and have children with, I'm glad you won't be wasting any more of your life with this guy.

I had my first dc at the same age you had your dad, and the other two in my early 30s. If it's time you're worried about then don't. You have time.

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jessstan2 · 30/07/2020 13:17

Your boyfriend is not committed to a full time relationship with you. Don't have another child, please! You already have one and she will be fine on her own and will be fine if you meet someone later on and have another baby. Try to think of your family as complete and enjoy being single!

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amillionwishes · 30/07/2020 13:18

DD not dad!

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madcatladyforever · 30/07/2020 13:21

I would not be a single mum to a 2nd child, it becomes incredibly hard when you have two, childcare costs and all that.
I would not personally do it, and i'd dump the boyfriend, it doesn't sound as though he is in the least committed to you.
I've had two abortions, neither of them affected me at all. They were the right thing to do at the time. I had a bit of an emotional 5 minutes thinking about what might have been but I knew full well another child would mean real hardship.

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workhomesleeprepeat · 30/07/2020 13:25

Sorry this is happening to you. I do think terminating the pregnancy could be the right thing for you to do at the moment, especially as your boyfriend does not sound committed.

Also, I would try to let go of the idea of 'completing' your family by 30. Don't give yourself set times for these things, it will help you be open and freer to life's ups and down. Wishing you all the best with the future, you sound like a lovely mum to your DD

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PinkMonkeyBird · 30/07/2020 13:25

Sorry you are in this position OP. Your relationship with this man is over. Bottom line, he cares about himself and that's it, he's also not step-dad material for your DD. So with him out of the picture, look at the practicalities and go from there. You have 2 options and both will be daunting.

If you become a single parent again, how will that work out financially for you and your DD? This man will probably give the absolute minimum in maintenance, if anything, I can guarantee.

You are still very young and have lots ahead for you. You could meet someone else in the future, more caring and less man-child and have a baby with them. Age gaps are really not an issue.I had my first DC aged 20 and my next one at 32 so there was a big age gap. I just know if I had been in your shoes at 26 yrs with nobody to support me properly, I'd have terminated the pregnancy.

What's more of an issue is how you will manage on your own with a baby and a primary aged child. If you have a good, strong support network, it can be done.

If you do go ahead and have the baby on your own, I'm sure you will meet someone else in the future who wouldn't judge you for having 2 children by different dads. Either way it is a very difficult decision you are going to have to make.

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confusedandsad123 · 30/07/2020 13:27

I think the abortion is the right thing to do. I'm just terrified that I've got to go through this on my own, whilst DD is with me. If I am incapable of taking care of her whilst it is happening. I'm also terrified of the future ramifications that this decision might have on me. I feel things very heavily, I wear my heart on my sleeve, I find it difficult to separate my emotions from a situation.

I don't want to be a single parent again. After DD, I'd always said my next baby would need to be planned and with someone who is truly committed to me. I don't think it is fair on DD. I just wish this situation wasn't happening.

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Newbiehere123 · 30/07/2020 13:35

I'm so sorry you are in this position but your current bf has made it clear that he won't be around for long. I would suggest you take this opportunity to ditch him right away so you could be open to a new committed relationship in the future. Don't let him waste your time any longer, you deserve better.

Second question is, which obviously you would answer this hand on heart, do you want to be a single mother again? You are already a single mother to a 6 year old, do you want to go through that again without a supporting partner and a stable home for your child and be connected with your bf for the rest of your life because you have a child together? You can always start/complete your family whenever you want but don't settle for less please.

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PinkMonkeyBird · 30/07/2020 13:40

@Newbiehere123

I'm so sorry you are in this position but your current bf has made it clear that he won't be around for long. I would suggest you take this opportunity to ditch him right away so you could be open to a new committed relationship in the future. Don't let him waste your time any longer, you deserve better.

Second question is, which obviously you would answer this hand on heart, do you want to be a single mother again? You are already a single mother to a 6 year old, do you want to go through that again without a supporting partner and a stable home for your child and be connected with your bf for the rest of your life because you have a child together? You can always start/complete your family whenever you want but don't settle for less please.

Do you not have anyone you can trust to help you with your DD whilst you go through the termination? You do not need to be alone through this.

You mentioned in your OP about her staying at her grandparents. Are they your parents or her father's?
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PinkMonkeyBird · 30/07/2020 13:40

Sorry quoted the wrong post above!

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PinkMonkeyBird · 30/07/2020 13:41

@confusedandsad123

I think the abortion is the right thing to do. I'm just terrified that I've got to go through this on my own, whilst DD is with me. If I am incapable of taking care of her whilst it is happening. I'm also terrified of the future ramifications that this decision might have on me. I feel things very heavily, I wear my heart on my sleeve, I find it difficult to separate my emotions from a situation.

I don't want to be a single parent again. After DD, I'd always said my next baby would need to be planned and with someone who is truly committed to me. I don't think it is fair on DD. I just wish this situation wasn't happening.

Correct post quoted now!

Do you not have anyone you can trust to help you with your DD whilst you go through the termination? You do not need to be alone through this.

You mentioned in your OP about her staying at her grandparents. Are they your parents or her father's?
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confusedandsad123 · 30/07/2020 13:41

They are her father's parents.

I don't want to tell anyone else. I don't want this being something that other people are aware of and potentially bring up in the future, or weighing in with their opinions. I've been through an unplanned pregnancy once before and I think my family would judge me for being in this situation again.

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confusedandsad123 · 30/07/2020 13:43

I have confided in the pregnancy with my closest friend but she has 3 children herself so won't be able to support me in person through this.

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hellsbellsmelons · 30/07/2020 13:44

If it's early stages then a termination is 'quite' straight forward.
You will get a heavy and painful period for a couple of days.
But you do what is right for you.
Speak to your GP as soon as you can to talk through all your options and what terminations involves.

I'm sorry your partner is a shit.
But at least you know that now.
Keep him gone and move on with your life with yourself and your DD.

If he lives far away from you and spends weeks at time with you, does he work?

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