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Is he lying about being single?

(24 Posts)
Smillar2020 Thu 30-Jul-20 12:21:50

I am separated and a few months ago I reconnected with an old boyfriend from nearly 15 years ago. He is married with kids, same as me. I told him I wouldn’t date him unless he was single. He has claimed to be separated for the last six weeks or so but I’m not convinced. I know he still lives with his wife and kids (his car is always in the drive). Is he lying about being separated and just wanting to use me for sex?

OP’s posts: |
zurala Thu 30-Jul-20 12:22:54

Most likely, yes. Sorry.

Aquamarine1029 Thu 30-Jul-20 12:23:39

He's not single and you're the OW. Dump and run.

Smillar2020 Thu 30-Jul-20 12:35:18

I just don’t understand why someone would lie about that. It’s so hurtful and disrespectful (I’m talking about me, never mind his wife). Nice to think you’re thought so little of by a man.

OP’s posts: |
MMmomDD Thu 30-Jul-20 12:35:52

No one can tell you, we aren’t in his house, OP.
Maybe he is lying, maybe he is recently separated and they haven’t yet figured out details. Plenty of people cohabit for a year+ as they are going through divorce as people can’t afford to just get another place next day.

As to ‘using me me sex’ comment - presumably you are a willing participant in any sexual activity you are engaging in. So - no one is using anyone. Or at least, that is how it works.
With recent separations, and children involved - neither of you are really ready for a serious relationship. So friendly companionship and sex is a good place to start. No?

user1493413286 Thu 30-Jul-20 12:42:04

He might be separated (some people can’t afford to move out straight away) and still living there but you won’t know for sure and to be honest it’s just messy to get together with someone in that situation especially as they may very easily get back together.

Smillar2020 Thu 30-Jul-20 12:48:16

I totally get that people can’t move out right away. I just think it’s strange that one minute he was married and openly admitted to be crossing a line flirting with me and wanting to date me and then when I said no only if you were single he said okay I am now single and has insisted ever since. I guess I know the answer myself, I just had false hope we might get together. Even after 15 years with someone else I often thought about him.

OP’s posts: |
MMmomDD Thu 30-Jul-20 12:50:42

Out of curiosity, OP - who contacted who first?

Smillar2020 Thu 30-Jul-20 12:58:48

I contacted him, I saw him in the street and messaged later to say hi. He did the same with me a couple of years ago when he saw me.

OP’s posts: |
PinkMonkeyBird Thu 30-Jul-20 13:46:34

I wouldn't touch him with a barge pole. Getting together with someone when they are literally 6 weeks out of a marriage is not ideal.

Smillar2020 Thu 30-Jul-20 13:55:57

I wouldn’t be getting together with him as such. More start off dating and see where things went. I just have concerns about him lying about being single, but then I think why would you lie about that? I wish I wasn’t still attracted to him. No one else has ever measured up. He said he feels the same.

OP’s posts: |
Glitteris Thu 30-Jul-20 13:57:59

Why would he lie?... cause he can and it probably works most the time.

Even if they have been separated 6 weeks that's not long at all.

I Separated from my exh in 2008, to everyone else we weren't together and didn't get along at all but we still occasionally bumped uglys for the first two years and the once in a blue moon until 2016.

The only reason I haven't since then was because I finally settled down with a dp, but he didn't care through his relationships.

HollowTalk Thu 30-Jul-20 14:01:49

He's a liar and a cheat. I'd talk to his wife, tbh. I'm sure she'd be surprised to know she was now single.

Zaphodsotherhead Thu 30-Jul-20 14:02:55

I agree with pp above. Even if he is separated, it's so recent that he's got a lot of stuff he should be working through first before he starts dating again, especially with children in the mix.

Or is he looking at separation as a chance to slough off the old family and immediately start using all his lovely free time to start bonking new women? Surely he should be taking his children at least EOW and a couple of days during the week...?

Smillar2020 Thu 30-Jul-20 14:10:58

I’m so hurt and confused even though nothing has happened. I wish I hadn’t messaged to say hi. It was purely a hello, I knew he was married at the time and so was I. I think I will block his number and put a stop to things.

OP’s posts: |
Pavlova31 Thu 30-Jul-20 14:20:09

I would just block his number too Op.

jessstan2 Thu 30-Jul-20 14:24:40

I'm so sorry you've been hurt, Smillar. You did nothing to wrong to message and say, "Hi", and the relationship hasn't really taken off so just cool it. Avoid him. If he is genuine, he'll come back in six months but don't set your heart on that. Move on.

Mintjulia Thu 30-Jul-20 14:27:08

Try ringing him at home on the land line. Assuming he still has a land line. You’ll have your answer in seconds.

Sakurami Thu 30-Jul-20 14:34:34

It does sound a bit of a coincidence. Are you on his social media?

I lived with my ex for 1.5 years whilst split up with him and my bf is going through a divorce but still living with his ex wife. But there is no doubt about that.

Also, 6 weeks out of a marriage even if it is true, is very early days to start a new relationship.

fflelp Thu 30-Jul-20 14:42:41

Yeah I'd just forget about him.
Even if he is separated and living in the same house that's not ideal for starting a new relationship.
If and when he moves out then you could consider starting something with him, but otherwise NO.
Separated my arse

Smillar2020 Thu 30-Jul-20 15:38:04

I think you are all spot on. If he texts me again I will say if you are genuinely separated then you can contact me in six months if we’re both single. It’s just going to get messy and leave one person hurt (me). I just don’t understand why I still have strong feelings for him 15 years on.

OP’s posts: |
WinnieLowCo Thu 30-Jul-20 15:43:42

Oh dear. I think he saw that you would be up for a rerun. So he 'mirrored' back to you that he was also newly single.

Somebody on here who got burnt by an opportunist married cheater ssid that if a man says he's single, ask if his children know.

If he gives you some bullshit about the children not knowing/noticing that their own parents have split up, then they have not split up. Maybe they will, but they haven't yet.

I remembered that as being a good question to ask if i ever found myself in those shoes.

SomethingLessBoringInstead Thu 30-Jul-20 15:50:09

I'd say he's lying.

The way his story goes, he propositioned you for an affair; you said you wouldnt be interested unless he was single and then he just upped and ended his marriage and broke up his family? Just like that? For you?

Tbh, lying about it is far more likely than it being the truth.

As for why, well he quite likes the idea of having sex with you. So he'll tell you whatever he thinks he need to in order to get sex.

That's literally it.

I knew a man socially for nearly a year before I learned he lived with his partner. He didnt ever explicitly say he was single but he certainly alluded to it.

I wasnt especially interested but it took someone else taking me to one side for me to know.

He turned up in the pub with a woman who I was reliably informed wasn't his partner a year later. I bought her a drink and told her he was still with his partner. Caused a right scene in the pub. He'd also told her he'd split up with his wife a few weeks earlier. She didn't let on it was me who said anything but she left the pub alone.

Some men will say anything.

hellsbellsmelons Thu 30-Jul-20 16:01:44

Even if he is 6 weeks separated - steer clear.
That is way too soon.
You would be the rebound, shoulder to cry on.
Just NO!
Tell him you will reconnect when he has been living apart from his wife for 6 months.

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