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My husband telling my lovers wife about us

(235 Posts)
flyingcheese Thu 30-Jul-20 12:02:36

Name change

I had an affair, I told my husband about it. We're talking through it and deciding where to go from here. The man I had the affair with is also married, we both have 2 children in our marriages. My husband is considering telling the other mas wife about us, he thinks she should know.

Just looking for some advice if you would want to know? They've had a pretty tricky marriage for years and are only together for the children now. They live 400 miles from us so we aren't going to bump into them at all. My husband says she should know as maybe he's constantly sleeping around and if it was the other way round he'd want someone to tell him. I don't mind either way if she knows or not but do kind of think I've had to face it, maybe he should. I chose to tell my husband though, he hasn't chosen to tell his wife.

What would you do? Have you done? Any advice please. And I know having an affair was wrong so no slating for that please, there was a huge backstory leading up to it which we are now going to arrange counselling for.

OP’s posts: |
MissNotMrs Thu 30-Jul-20 12:05:16

Of course I'd want to know if I was his wife

Your dh telling her just seems spiteful though, he's doing it to punish the man but it's the wife that would suffer

I really don't know tbh

flyingcheese Thu 30-Jul-20 12:06:18

thanks MissNotMrs. I don't think he's not doing it out of spite. He just thinks she has a right to know.

OP’s posts: |
CuppaZa Thu 30-Jul-20 12:07:13

I think wanting to tell her is a natural reaction for him to have. If I’m being honest, I would if I was in your husbands shoes.

Bunnymumy Thu 30-Jul-20 12:08:22

I think she deserves to know too. You do know 'we are only together for the kids' is the usual bullshit men who want to cheat say right? I mean c'mon. Chances are she already knows he is a cheating scumball who talks shite but if I was your husband, I'd tell her. And if you have a shred of decency left, you'll let him.

Mrsjayy Thu 30-Jul-20 12:10:16

He wants the wife to be as hurt as he has I don't think he has noble intentions but yes I'd want to know if my husband had been shagging somebody else..

stellabelle Thu 30-Jul-20 12:10:18

I was in her shoes once, and by the time I found out I was the last person to know . I wanted to die , knowing that his affair was known to others but not to me .

Your husband is right to tell her . She does have a right to know so she can make her own decisions about what to do next.

AliceinBunnyland Thu 30-Jul-20 12:10:30

You don't know they are only together for the children. You don't know the truth about their marriage, you only know what you were told by the man you were having an affair with.

I can understand him wanting to tell her.

I think I'd want to know but then maybe ignorance is bliss. I think he has a right to know.

SewingKit Thu 30-Jul-20 12:11:14

I wouldn’t want to know personally.

Lobelia123 Thu 30-Jul-20 12:13:24

My advice would be to stay out of it. There's already been destruction and mayhem wreaked. Step away and don't push the hurt further. Maybe they can still make a go of will change her life forever by telling her. Some may say she deserves to know....but maybe that will still come out. Maybe he can still work on healing their marriage. You are very very lucky your husband is trying to accept and move on. He may be trying to lessen his immense hurt and betrayal by 'sharing the load' - which sadly will not work. Theres no indication in your post of any accountability from your side. I hope you know and acknowledge what you have done. Its so wrong.

Mumshappy Thu 30-Jul-20 12:13:25

My exhusband had an affair with a married woman with 2 dcs. I kicked him but I didnt tell her husband. I didnt want any more drama. They split up a few months later. I dont know if he knew about her affair.

VettiyaIruken Thu 30-Jul-20 12:16:12

If it was me I would absolutely want to know I was married to a complete toad who had so little respect for me that he could happy shit all over our marriage.

She deserves to be able to make an informed choice.

And get an std test!

yesterdaystotalsteps123 Thu 30-Jul-20 12:17:16

You are very dismissive of their marriage. You have no idea it's very tricky. You know he's a cheat other than that, you don't know. I don't know what I'd do because what if her mental health is really fragile and she harms herself and leaves her child motherless because you drop this on her? I hate cheats though and whatever back story, tell your partner before you shag someone else so they can decide what they want

Boomclaps Thu 30-Jul-20 12:18:47

I actually became friends with exH’s affair partners DP. It was short lived, and I was in my early twenties but god, was it helpful.

Lobelia123 Thu 30-Jul-20 12:19:55

Correction, I didn't properly read the last paragraph of your post where you state theres a long back story etc. Fact is whats done is done. You are now in a world of pain, betrayal and consequences and theres no way to know what is best to do. I undertand your husbands anger. the best advice is probably to do nothing in the heat of the moment. Take some time to think things through and let the emotions subside. Dont act in haste.

CoffeeRunner Thu 30-Jul-20 12:20:28

As heartbreaking as it would be, I do agree she has a right to know & I would 100% want to know in her shoes.

Figgygal Thu 30-Jul-20 12:21:26

As much as I think she has the right to know I’d be concerned he’s doing it to punish him which is likely easier than taking out his hurt and anger on you (where it should rightly be)

PurrBox Thu 30-Jul-20 12:23:18

I wish someone had told me.

It is horrible when other people have information about the most private and intimate side of your life which you don't have yourself.

Wolfff Thu 30-Jul-20 12:24:17

He is not being altruistic here. It’s revenge in you and it will stir up a hornets nest. I hope the counselling brings some resolution.

Nquartz Thu 30-Jul-20 12:26:01

I also don't think he's got the best intentions but if i was the wife I would want to know so does it really matter what his intentions are?

LadyCatStark Thu 30-Jul-20 12:28:19

I think that’s up to your husband not you. You have an affair, you deal with the consequences when it all comes out.

RustyLeesBogBrush Thu 30-Jul-20 12:28:55

Yes I would always want to know. Nothing worse than people keeping stuff from you - often the fact you are being kept in the dark hurts worse than whatever it was happened in the first place.

Arrivederla Thu 30-Jul-20 12:29:44

My immediate feeling is that it isn't up to him to step in and try to manage the situation but maybe I'm being unfair.

Can you tell us a bit more about the back story? That would give a clearer picture.

glitterfarts Thu 30-Jul-20 12:31:41

I'd want to know

RunningFromInsanity Thu 30-Jul-20 12:33:05

Can you tell us a bit more about the back story?* what back story would make the cheating more reasonable? The ‘only together for the children’ is such a cliche.

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