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Struggling with the fact my ex DH is having children with someone else already.

(33 Posts)
Joywillcomeagain Thu 30-Jul-20 02:00:16

I want to not care about this but it's really bothering me. I'm hoping getting it out here will help a bit.
Split with DH in Sept 2018 but divorce took ages didn't come through till Jan 2020. We have a dd together who is nearly 3. She struggles with her motor skills but is an utterly lovely child. I divorced him as he changed drastically when I was pregnant and even more so when dd was born. He was always a drinker but he started doing coke and mdma a lot. He was barely ever home and if he was he was recovering from whatever bender he'd been on. As well as this he was 'in love' with his close friends wife. He tried his damnedest to have an affair with her. His friends also sent me pics of him kissing another women in a bar.
He showed no interest in dd after the first two weeks. I tried so hard to get them to bond. I booked swimming lessons for them to do together (he missed half due to work). Would try and get him to feed her etc. He just didn't seem to want to do any of the work, he'd pose for pictures but that's it really. We even had a conversation once where he said she was important but he didn't want her to be the centre of his life. She was a bit "different" when she was little she couldn't sit till she was nearly 1 for example which made it hard to do things with her you'd normally do at that age.

He's had a new girlfriend since around June 2019. This didn't bother me in fact I quite liked her she seemed to make him less of a selfish arse. He announced the other day they've been trying since January for a baby and now she's pregnant with twins! I realise this is allowed, we did break up. I am just shocked he's having more children on purpose when he was barely interested in dd (he is more interested now she's older in a Disney dad kind of way). I feel really resentful he's getting a second family and he gets to have more kids. This is terrible to say but I resent they probably won't have development issues so he'll get to experience having "normal" children without all the medical appointments and worry we had with dd. I'm also worried about how we'll manage contact going forward and I worry she'll prefer to live with him and her siblings rather than just me. I moved to be near my family so he's a fair distance away.

I hate myself for this bothering me so much I don't know how to get past it. Tips / handhold / wise words all appreciated

OP’s posts: |
Mummyoflittledragon Thu 30-Jul-20 02:37:37

It cannot be easy for you watching him start a new family when he could hardly be bother with the child he has. I imagine it is bringing insecurities wondering if he’s going to replace your dd seeing as he showed such little interest. If he does pay more attention to the babies, it will be because he wants to please his partner rather than because he wants a genuine connection. The best thing you can do is live your life well, do what you can to have a happy / well balanced child and ensure your dd has plenty of good role models.

Joywillcomeagain Thu 30-Jul-20 03:18:09

Thank you for the reply and kind words. You're right I do need to just make the most of my own life.
I was so happy before this news. It's really rankled me he's suddenly decided to be a family man when he was such an arsehole when he was with me. I guess I'd decided in my head family life wasn't for him. Clearly it was just me that wasn't for him. Which I did know deep down. Just hurts being slapped in the face with it.

I do wonder if once reality hits he'll do the same again. Pisses me off because I think due to covid he might be a better dad this time round because he can't do his hobby (in a band) and he can't go out as much.

OP’s posts: |
notfunnynow Thu 30-Jul-20 04:44:19

It must really suck and I really feel for you. You got a raw deal with that arsehole. How he can live with himself I don’t know. However, would you really want to be his gf? It’s 50/50 if he will actually step up. Has he really changed? People do grow up but is he no longer in love with his mates wife? Has he really stopped everything he used to be? Twins are really hard. I’m just saying breathe a sigh of relief that you’re not going through another pregnancy with this man.
Are you dating? Maybe this is now your time. Your time to get out there and find a lovely, kind partner of your own. Set your bar high though and no compromising. No more drug users!

coronafiona Thu 30-Jul-20 04:48:16

Wow, he sounds like an idiot. I agree with pp, live your life well and it will come right in the end. He's going to have a hell of a wake up call with twins!

Sheenais Thu 30-Jul-20 05:18:57

I don’t think he will change, he will just do photos with twins (great Instagram fodder right there) but nothing else. Meanwhile your daughter has you and neither of you have to deal with the uncertainty of someone like him.

Boopthesnoot1 Thu 30-Jul-20 05:26:39

My assumption will be that he won't be the family man you currently see him to be. What you see of a relationship on the outside may not be as perfect on the inside. Your daughter will love you unconditionally and will know you are always there for her. She will want to stay by your side always. Your story isn't finished yet and if I were you I would be excited about what the future will bring now that you don't have him being a burden on your family.

Gingerkittykat Thu 30-Jul-20 05:30:00

I struggled with this too, especially the fact that he had the freedom to move on while I carried almost 100% of the caring responsibilities. Ultimately he messed up and ending up divorcing soon after his DS was born.

It is going to be painful to watch, especially as it is likely to change his relationship with his DD.

I wouldn't worry about her wanting to go and live with them. Kids are not stupid, they know who is really there for them and love their mums!

blackcat86 Thu 30-Jul-20 05:42:48

I can absolutely see how this would smart a lot but you know what a shit dad he is and I feel sorry for this poor woman about to experience the stress of twins without a decent coparent. Even if he manages to be around due to restrictions I'm sure it won't be long until he backs out again. He didn't want to get involved when you had 1 baby so I doubt the added work of 2 will be more attractive to him! He will have told her how you stopped him parenting your DD and so he missed out (poor lamb) and how he can't wait to be a real dad to these twins. By 6 months she'll realise this is crap when he decides that he can't be bothered to parent any of his 3 children.

Tlollj Thu 30-Jul-20 05:48:46

If he was like that with you he’s not going to suddenly change over night and become super dad.
It’s all for show, his new gf has a world of trouble coming. I feel sorry for those twins.

AlternativePerspective Thu 30-Jul-20 06:07:04

Jesus, what kind of Man tells his ex how long they’ve been trying for a baby.

OP it’s natural to be affected when your child has siblings who are not your children, iyswim, especially as when you had your children you wouldn’t have envisaged that one day he would be having them with someone else. But remember that not every relationship is what it looks on the outside. For starters trying for a baby when you’ve been with someone a matter of months very much seems like rushing into things, and now they’re going to have twins. shock that ain’t going to be a picnic... grin

My eXH was an involved parent when DS was little, but even then it smarted a bit when he announced he and his DP were having a baby. But then we’d already decided to stop trying before we split, and we’d been trying for six years. he texted me to tell me the news, I am certain it was to rub it in, because he also told DS that we had tried for another baby and hadn’t been able to have one. hmm

But ultimately we all have our own lives. I have an almost grown-up DS now, and he will be sending his child off to uni when he’s in his 60’s. I know which I would rather have. grin.

milksoffagain Thu 30-Jul-20 06:09:22

I can see exactly where you're coming from but you and your lovely daughter are the lucky ones; the new GF will find out she has 3 children to look after soon enough.

He can't have changed that much and history will repeat itself when he is required to be a grown up and finds he still can't cope with reality. It must have looked good from the outside when he was with you but this time it's Double Trouble!

This is your time now. You are free of him so cherish your relationship with your daughter; sadly he's likely to keep on letting her down but she knows for sure she's got you.

FortunesFave Thu 30-Jul-20 06:25:51

Sadly OP he'll probably be just as shit a Father with her as he was with you.

No normal man with a good conscience does this to their child and the child's Mother...I mean the neglect and disinterest. That shouts Narcissist to me.

He may just be an idiot and a selfish immature twat though....either way, I BET he's no better with his new child.

Your DD is YOUR baby....she won't want to live with them. She'll always want you.

SteelyPanther Thu 30-Jul-20 06:49:30

I very much doubt he is going to change and his new lady will be feeling like you, but with two babies to deal with !!!
You need to move forward into your new life with your child, cherish her and don’t think about what he is up to.

Jellybeansincognito Thu 30-Jul-20 06:50:49

Of course he won’t change here.
Who on earth tries for a baby 7 months into a relationship?

Recipe for disaster in itself! Never mind someone like your ex being one of those.

dooratheexplorer Thu 30-Jul-20 07:02:17

Well, it might all look perfect on the outside but a leopard doesn't change it's spots. Don't be fooled, it will all look rosy from the outside.

I would stop paying his life any sort of attention. You really don't need to know what is happening. Focus on you and your daughter (who sounds like a joy!) and be glad that it's not you having his second and third child. It sounds like you had a lucky escape.

Fluffycloudland77 Thu 30-Jul-20 07:03:05

He won’t change just because it’s twins or she makes him less of an arse, all it means is that she’s lumbered with two babies while he goes off on benders.

user1493413286 Thu 30-Jul-20 07:10:15

I can understand why you feel that way; he may be good at first but his old ways will creep back in. I don’t think you’ll find that your DD would prefer to live with him; he sounds pretty crap and she may enjoy seeing her siblings but equally be happy to come away at the end of the weekend. You may find that contact is a bit mixed up at first and I’d give them the chance to get themselves sorted then be firm about there being some consistency. Migh also be worth trying to maintain a good relationship with his new partner so that if they split (seems perfectly possible considering his past behaviour) then you can keep the link with the siblings separate to him

grissomsbugs Thu 30-Jul-20 07:15:37

Honestly once the news wears off it does get easier to accept. It will sting again when the babies are born but it will get easier to accept trust me. Just give everything time.

IveGotFrills Thu 30-Jul-20 07:18:34

Don't worry OP, this is gonna be a real spectator sport for you. If he thought 1 dd was a challenge, imagine 2 demanding, crying, screaming dcs! 😂 He won't be able to slope off and get high - it'll be nappies & feeds & winding & rocking around the clock! (But not the good sort).

God forbid anything is developmentally wrong with them but twins are often premature and need more care. He'll be ruing the day he ever left. 🤣

GorillaManilla Thu 30-Jul-20 07:22:07

That poor woman.

TicTac80 Thu 30-Jul-20 07:44:43

Oh god, I think you’ve had such a lucky escape. You do realise this act he’s doing is all for show? I know it smarts that he’s acting like Dad of the Year at the moment, but trust me: I bet that he’ll be doing the same things (benders, not bothering with his new kiddies). I really feel for you and your DD, but I feel for this new lady who doesn’t have a clue what he’s going to be like

hellsbellsmelons Thu 30-Jul-20 07:46:39

Poor woman and poor twins.
It is not going to be an easy ride for any of them!

InTheWings Thu 30-Jul-20 07:58:36

I would be really enraged.

For all the reasons PP have said.

You are your Dd’s fierce protector and of course it will be instinct not to be happy when her other parents dilutes his support for her. At the very least he now has an alternative claim on his income and your CSA amount could go down. Any inheritance she gets will be shared.

This latest turn of events has churned up your initial feelings when he first behaved with such disregard for you and your Dd, of course you are upset.

Luckily your lovely Dd has you.

Your upset will settle again in due course. But you are not wrong to be feeling it.

Good luck OP.

easterflowerss Thu 30-Jul-20 08:20:53

OP when you're feeling jealous (which is 100% normal), please re read this:
He was always a drinker but he started doing coke and mdma a lot. He was barely ever home and if he was he was recovering from whatever bender he'd been on. As well as this he was 'in love' with his close friends wife. He tried he damnedest to have an affair with her. His friends also sent me pics of him kissing another women in a bar. *
He showed no interest in dd after the first two weeks. *

He's not a completely different person. Don't look back with rose tinted specs. This is who he is. You don't want that again, remind yourself of that thanks

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