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Haven't seen my husband for 3 days and don't know where he is.

(172 Posts)
cbeebies12 Wed 29-Jul-20 19:06:49

Name change only as I don't want this following me around on MN but also never posted in Relationships before but I lurk from time to time and it seems to be very supportive.

Husband and I had a big row on Monday and I told him to go stay in a hotel - there are a few open now in our city even with Covid. Since then he's sent me a couple of messages calling me a cunt but then nothing all day today except an apologetic message this afternoon and saying he has late check out and will be back soon. That was at 3pm. It's now 7pm.

To add to the story, I called the hotel and they said he is not currently a guest there (although couldn't check if he was yesterday). So now I have literally no idea where he is. He's not answering his phone.

I have a 2 year old and a 1 year old at home with me and I just don't know what to do. I'm stressed out. No idea why I'm posting.

He is an alcoholic too (on/off in recovery, struggles with triggers and relapses) so God knows how much he's had to drink or if he's passed out somewhere or what!

OP’s posts: |
Aquamarine1029 Wed 29-Jul-20 19:10:26

I wouldn't be allowing him back, ever. He's an abusive alcoholic and you and your children are better off without him. Here's your chance to start over.

Holothane Wed 29-Jul-20 19:10:29

Get ducks in a row, sweetheart I feel your pain I’ve been there and a horrific situation, he won’t change he’s already blaming you called a c$$$. You can live like this my ex buggered off to Belgium once, the worry is dreadful, can you phone friends relations if not a woman’s aid, hugs lots of them.

DoingDiddlySquat Wed 29-Jul-20 19:11:36

Keep calling his phone, can you call the police on 101 for advice. Hope he is ok.

forumdonkey Wed 29-Jul-20 19:11:49

If you're concerned for his wellbeing, call the police.

Try not to worry.

forumdonkey Wed 29-Jul-20 19:14:11

You say that the hotel has no record of him staying there, could he be staying with someone else and telling you that he was in a hotel? What was the argument about?

tribpot Wed 29-Jul-20 19:14:45

My guess is he's gone on a bender in order to frighten you, to stress you out and unsettle you. Then when he finally staggers back in you're so relieved your children's father isn't dead you don't want to have the row about what an arsehole he is. I would guess it's too late for you to go to a hotel with the dc tonight so that you don't have to spend the entire evening on tenterhooks waiting for him to come back / deciding whether to put the chain on the door and being woken up by him.

Lipz Wed 29-Jul-20 19:14:47

He's doing this to worry you.

Do you want him back.?

Hotels can't give info out, he's probably in a pub or with a mate.

Embracelife Wed 29-Jul-20 19:16:55

You will soon hear if he has had an accident.
Leave him be.
Get some support eg family.

cbeebies12 Wed 29-Jul-20 19:17:32

Thanks everyone.

Spot on @Holothane the worry is awful. Doesn't help that I'm trying to hold everything down at home, kids happy and fed and entertained, pets walked, fed and happy. At least my DC are young enough not to k ow what's going on.

We have no family in this country so it's just us.

I think I'll call the police if I don't hear from him by 11pm-ish. Don't want to waste police time if he's just in a pub or something.
What do I tell them anyway?? Do I register a missing person alert?

OP’s posts: |
Zaphodsotherhead Wed 29-Jul-20 19:19:17

I didn't think hotels were allowed to confirm or deny that someone was a guest? Or he could have told them to deny that he was there - he could have fed them any story about being stalked or trying to escape violence.

Just because they say he's not there doesn't mean he's not.

Embracelife Wed 29-Jul-20 19:19:33

Don't chase someone who abuses you verbally
Let him call you so you can tell him not to come back

Embracelife Wed 29-Jul-20 19:20:43

what will you tell police?
That you told him to leave and he left?

cbeebies12 Wed 29-Jul-20 19:20:53

I see, I didn't know what about hotels being able to confirm or deny guests staying there.

OP’s posts: |
Embracelife Wed 29-Jul-20 19:21:45

He has only been missing for four hours since the message at 3. So you need to wait 24 hours.

Cherylina Wed 29-Jul-20 19:22:24

This is your golden opportunity to reclaim the rest of your life. Take it!

TwilightPeace Wed 29-Jul-20 19:22:56

Sounds awful OP. You’re on the abusive relationship rollercoaster. He’s trying to make you panic so that you will be relieved when he comes back.
Do you want to stay with him?

MashedPotatoBrainz Wed 29-Jul-20 19:25:16

Sounds like he's doing you a favour by fucking off. Leave him to it and don't let him back in. You deserve better than this.

AvoidingRealHumans Wed 29-Jul-20 19:26:13

I work in a hotel and it is an absolute no to telling anyone who is staying (or not staying) in the hotel, under any circumstances.

As for waiting 24hours to call the police that is a myth, if the person could be at risk then you call straight away but seeing as you had contact earlier then he's probably OK.
To be honest I would start taking steps to leave.
He is abusive and an alcoholic, don't waste your time.

ItWorriesMeThisKindofThing Wed 29-Jul-20 19:26:36


He has only been missing for four hours since the message at 3. So you need to wait 24 hours.

This is not true. You can report someone missing at any point.

Gin4thewin Wed 29-Jul-20 19:26:48

Some one being missing 24 hours before being reported missing thing doesn't exist in the uk and is rubbish
Basing from what you said he would be a low to medium risk missing person. You can call 101 but you can also say you don't want him back and can explain why. Again, just because your reporting him missing, doesn't mean youre obliged to have him home

bloodywhitecat Wed 29-Jul-20 19:27:19

There is no need to wait 24 hours to report a missing person report a missing person

cbeebies12 Wed 29-Jul-20 19:27:22

Interesting about him making me worry for me to then be relieved once he gets in so I won't start a fight about why he was out in the first place. Never thought about that before.

Do I want to be with him? Yes when he's sober (loving, wonderful, funny, and charming). No when he's not (verbally abusive, angry, awful to be around).
I don't think I'm strong enough to leave. I'm too weak.

OP’s posts: |
Shoxfordian Wed 29-Jul-20 19:28:53

Don't call the police
Call a family law solicitor to start the divorce process

Feralkidsatthecampsite Wed 29-Jul-20 19:28:59

Your concern needs to be for your dc. Be prepared for him coming home pissed. Be strong and ring the police if he is abusive.
Regardless of who's name is on the house /who has what. He needs kept away. This is your chance.
Take it.

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