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Is DH out of order or am I overreacting?

88 replies

utterlymiserable · 29/07/2020 15:47

Apologies in advance if this is too long, I just want to give a full picture. I’m not sure whether I’m overreacting, under-reacting or completely in the wrong. I’ve also name changed.

For background I’m married for the second time, first marriage was for 10 years, 15 years together and 3 DC (15, 13 & 11yrs old) Amicable split, still on good terms, both remarried. I’ve been married to my second husband for 4 years, together for 6 with 2 DC (2yrs and 6weeks). My DH has never been married or in a long-term relationship previously and has no other children.

DH suffers with anxiety and depression, he is pro-active about seeking help and is under the care of a psychiatrist and taking anti-ds. It is still a major part of our life and unfortunately he lost his job on the grounds of ill health a couple of years ago. He’s now a SAHD caring for our children. I work full time as a nurse specialist and thankfully earn enough for us to get by relatively comfortably. At the moment I’m on maternity leave but that is still at full pay.

Now to the actual issue. We went through a rocky patch over Christmas and earlier in the year. Lockdown put some extra strain on things initially but it looked as though we were working through things, and even the arrival of the new baby seemed to be bringing us closer. DH tells me he has no sex drive, no libido whatsoever coupled with ED from his meds/depression. Over the last 3 years you can count on one hand how many times we’ve had penetrative sex. That in itself wouldn’t be so terrible if there was any other intimacy or sexual encounters, but it’s dwindled to the point it’s disappeared. My DH isn’t really receptive to any discussion on the matter and has gone on to say that I’m to blame as he feels it’s the only control he has in the relationship.

We’ve been to relate and he walked out midway during the 4th session. Said he felt I was lying to the therapist when answering questions. I don’t think I was but if that‘s what he believes there’s little I can do about it.

Overnight things came to a head. He has been stopping up until 4-5am, whilst he has suffered with insomnia for years, this is later than usual. After he comes to bed, I wake up to feed the baby and notice he’s fallen asleep with his phone unlocked (I don’t usually have any access to his phone) so I snooped.

I found a few things that upset me. Firstly he had been looking at porn with some regularity, that in itself doesn’t bother except for the fact he obviously does have some sort of libido and this is in place of us having a sex life. More upsetting he had a picture of his female best friend, from the waist up, in a lacy bra bodice type thing saved in his photos. He also had sent a message to another female friend telling her how cute and pretty she is, how he likes her style. Then he has been messaging a third female friend, this time in a more platonic way but making comments about female mutual acquaintances that he fancies, and what he’d like to do to them given the chance. He’d also told this friend about our rocky patch but attributed it to the fact I have a gambling problem! That I’ve taken money from my children’s piggy banks to gamble online!! For me this was most shocking, it is pure bullshit. I have an account on an online bingo site but that is all. I just don’t know why he said it, and to have her think I steal from my own children. He talked her about his intention of us splitting once I’d had the baby, again this is the first I’d heard of it. He intends on going back to his parents with our 2 children.

I was really upset so I woke him up to confront. He said the picture of his friend was out there deliberately as he thought I might snoop??! The flirty message to the other friend was to boost her confidence as she had been feeling low. And the conversation with the third friend was accurate because I am secretive with money! But he didn't address the bit about him leaving.

The money issue relates back to him being upset I opened a help to buy ISA in my name only and didn’t tell him I’d opened it for a couple of months. I didn’t intentionally keep it a secret, the money comes out of my wage soon as I get paid and I didn’t give it much thought. It's not akin to a gambling problem, unless he genuinely thinks that's what I'm doing with the money?

He went off on one shouting, he shoved me and then shouted down my ear. Saying I’m accusing him of things he hasn’t done and what’s the point him explaining I don’t listen to him anyway. This argument went on until around 7am, I got up with the kids and now he’s upstairs sleeping.

Am I making too much this? I know I shouldn’t have looked on his phone. The shoving and the shouting are unacceptable, I know, but then he said if he was truly violent he would have punched me so I’m over-reacting again. He’s got me doubting myself over everything.

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AnneLovesGilbert · 29/07/2020 15:51

I’d report him to the police. He’s violent and dangerous. He’s not safe to be around you or your children.