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It's a long one sorry. DH problems.

(12 Posts)
Realitea Tue 28-Jul-20 17:15:33

About five years ago I found that my dh had been messaging prostitutes. I don't believe he met with them. At the same time I was having an emotional affair with someone else too. I remember at the time I was trying to talk to dh about why he was so distant but he would never talk. In the end we went to counselling and I'm still angry about some of the things that were said. The blame all seemed to be on me. Putting on weight (one stone!), not being outgoing as I used to be, all that stuff. I was even compared to his ex girlfriends which still makes me angry. (How they watched what they ate mainly) I put a lot of effort into my appearance so that really pissed me off.

He accepted that he was never affectionate and excluded me from things like his jollys abroad with his sister.

I know his family don't like me much and talk about be behind my back, even now. I suspect they've heard a lot of one sided stories about me from him, over the years.

After counselling we went through a good phase. Now it's just back to how it was but hopefully without the affairs.
He's distant, we never have sex, he doesn't help at home despite not having a proper job (that's a whole other story!) he's ALWAYS picking up on really petty things and remembering them in order to bring them up at a later date to make me look bad. He loves blaming me and won't accept responsibility for anything. If I bring up a problem it's always reversed so that I'm the one that has the problem or has caused it. Maybe I am, I don't know but it's really wearing me down.
When I questioned him about whether during our bad times he'd met up with a certain woman, he hit the roof and said absolutely not. A couple of months later he then accuses me of having an affair again. This is during lockdown where I've been absolutely nowhere. It was either to get back at me for accusing him , or he genuinely thought I was talking to someone online, or he's up to something and is doing a classic reversal.

He's lazy and sees me working and doing house work, usually exhausted and yet when i ask him to do something he says the dc's should do it.

I hate all the pettiness, especially around money. Things like 'I cooked the dinner so I'm not going to put the rubbish out' (He rarely cooks but that sort of thing) Or I'm selfish for going shopping without asking him what he wants, etc. The feeling that something's not right, the awkwardness around his family.. I actually feel happier when he's not around and I can relax. But I hate the thought of leaving this house and the upheaval of separating. I don't know how I'd cope financially and be able to get to work as I don't drive.

Surely he's not happy either. I don't know how to approach this. We're currently not talking because he's annoyed I asked him to pay for something the other day to save us both waiting to pay. It was £3. But I then asked him to transfer some money towards the shopping because he put beer in there which was £4. He said that was mean of me. Apparently alcohol costs should be included in the shopping. (He's the only one who drinks)

He pays all the bills and I pay for food and clothing. Despite not working much, he transfers the universal credit to his account. I pay with my wages.

This is crazy!

OP’s posts: |
katy1213 Tue 28-Jul-20 17:34:28

The only crazy thing is that you're still with him. Are you really going to put up with this for the sake of a few months of upheaval? Get some legal advice and work out where you stand financially.
You need to stop being so passive. If he's not there to drive you to work, you get the bus or learn to drive yourself. You don't need a man to facilitate your life. He's mean, petty, hasn't got a proper job and he's into prostitutes - he doesn't really fulfil any purpose, does he?

Realitea Tue 28-Jul-20 17:47:38

No he doesn’t really. Apart from driving me around when I need him to and looking after the children when I’m at work

OP’s posts: |
LatteLover12 Tue 28-Jul-20 18:43:33

Why on earth are you still with him?! 🤯

Fairycake2 Tue 28-Jul-20 19:05:56

He's an arse! It's definitely time to leave. Life is too short to be miserable. Get some legal advice then talk to him about separating and get out ASAP.

tarasmalatarocks Tue 28-Jul-20 19:31:48

I didn’t get beyond the messaging prostitutes before forming an opinion. You should have ended it at that point but people often don’t because of inertia, stress, fear of the unknown, lack of access to cash or no job etc. Fact is he was an arse, he’s still an arse , just a different arse- you sound a lovely but ground down lady— take control and do yourself a favour

Quartz2208 Tue 28-Jul-20 19:34:58

Realitea you have posted about him before (I recognise the username)

None of this is a reason to do anything other than leave

Elieza Tue 28-Jul-20 19:59:17

You need to leave.

You only have one life. This is it. Do you really want to go on like this? You don’t love each other. You are both fed up. Using each other for company or from habit because it’s convenient.

Put on your brave pants and start working out how to split up. You need somewhere to go etc. And what about dc.

Taxis would be a cheaper price to pay than the stress of being with that lazy git.

Once you are on your feet you can do lessons in an automatic car. Don’t worry about that yet. Just make sure you have a roof over your heads ( reasonably bear shops if poss) and custody arrangements are fairly sorted. Make sure you have some days to yourself when dc are with their father.

Realitea Tue 28-Jul-20 19:59:37

Thank you.. I do feel quite ground down. I’ve had a couple of bouts of anxiety and depression since all this started and I know I wouldn’t have that without him.
I had a look at houses in the area and they’re so expensive to rent. I don’t know how I would manage. I feel trapped. How do people do it? How do I get legal advice without being able to pay?

OP’s posts: |
ChavvySexPond Tue 28-Jul-20 20:06:48

It sounds absolutely miserable and whilst I understand completely feeling exhausted at the very idea of all the upheaval of splitting up do spare a thought for that lonely decent fella out there who is all on his own because you're wasting your life on this wanker.

Elieza Tue 28-Jul-20 23:11:44

Make an appointment with a solicitor who does legal aid. They will go through the forms with you to see if you are eligible for aid.

Go on the shelter and womens aid websites.

I know it’s hard to deal with change but now is the time. You can’t do this forever. You need your freedom.

Vodkacranberryplease Tue 28-Jul-20 23:16:09

Sorry but why wouldn't he move out?

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