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Marrying and giving-up work!

(268 Posts)
WiiNon Tue 28-Jul-20 17:15:12

There's so much info. to explain but I don't want to be too outing but would really like peoples advice.
I've been in a relationship with DP for 2 years, I have 2 young children, (primary infants age, he has 5 infants to senior school age, their age is rele8as they're all school age. 50/50 with their Mum).
We've wanted to progress the relationship rather than just continue dating, especially with living an hour away from each other.
He asked us to move into his house, I've been reluctant as it is too much of a risk, he could ask us to leave at anytime! My children go to a good school where we live and are happy there. I own our small home, have a decent job that fits mostly around school times (some good childcare). I can't risk uprooting them and it doesn't work out and we then can't easily move back due to lack of school places. (I thought I could rent my house out) However my job is just a 30min commute to the city, I'd be at least doubling it.
He very recently suggested we could marry. This then makes it less of a risk to move into his house, schools and for work. However, with the children combined I'd need to change work hours so that I could do some drop off and collections. He has also since said I could give-up my job, he would employ me through his businesses and pay me a wage. I could have the time with mine and his children (which I'd love). Although I'm not so happy about the thought of giving up a career to do school drop offs and collections but would love the time with them, especially school holidays. Although instead of working I'd simply be cleaning the house, washing etc. For the children and us. Although every-other week I'd have less to do and could hopefully make friends and be involved in the school and have a simple life.
Sorry it's long, advice please.

OP’s posts: |
Babdoc Tue 28-Jul-20 17:18:56

I wouldn’t touch it with a bargepole, OP. I think he wants a live in nanny/housekeeper, and once you give up your home, job and freedom you will be trapped.

Sakurami Tue 28-Jul-20 17:23:22

I wouldn't risk it. Why can't he move close to you? That way you would keep your job and your kids wouldn't be uprooted.

SarahBellam Tue 28-Jul-20 17:27:11

You are giving up everything for him, including maintaining your career, and career prospects. Can he give you meaningful work at his place?

DevilsIvy Tue 28-Jul-20 17:27:47

So hes asking you to give up everything youve worked hard for? To live in his house (which, as you say he could stop at anytime) and he will gove you a job (which again he could stop at anytime) but hes handing over the parental responsibility for his kids to you and you can do all the leg work dropping off/ picking up, cleaning, cooking, washing etc?? Not sure id like that tbh. Keep your independance, sounds like your having doubts. Trust your gut

Patch23042 Tue 28-Jul-20 17:28:19

No, it’s far too risky. If it were just you it might be different but you have two children to consider.

SueEllenMishke Tue 28-Jul-20 17:29:33

Nope nope nope!
You'll be giving everything up to be a live in nanny/housekeeper.
I don't see how that benefits you or your children at all.

johnd2 Tue 28-Jul-20 17:29:45

Think about the power balance and freedom in the relationship before and after. Think about what he is giving up vs what you are giving up.
Only you can make the decision but the main thing is to understand who holds which cards in future

Arrivederla Tue 28-Jul-20 17:31:29

No no no no no.

No.

SuzieCarmichael Tue 28-Jul-20 17:31:47

He has FIVE children? Am I reading that right?

AnotherBiteMe Tue 28-Jul-20 17:31:56

No no and no again. Don't do it. Ever.

roses2 Tue 28-Jul-20 17:34:45

OMG 7 kids??? No don't do it!

whatswithtodaytoday Tue 28-Jul-20 17:34:57

Echoing the no. What's in it for you?

Yankathebear Tue 28-Jul-20 17:34:58

What is he giving up?

I don’t understand how marriage makes it less risky?

Normalmumandwife Tue 28-Jul-20 17:35:55

@WiiNon

Please don't do this. Nice as he is and in love as you may be, it is still a short relationship. It is you and also your children that are taking all the risk and him having a lot of power over you. You would be giving up your own job.

I STRONGLY suggest you carry on as before and don't become his childminder and housekeeper. If it all goes wrong your children have lost good school places and could end up in rubbish schools

uniglowooljumper Tue 28-Jul-20 17:36:22

You would be a complete and utter FOOL to do this, even with marriage.

He has also since said I could give-up my job, he would employ me through his businesses and pay me a wage. I could have the time with mine and his children (which I'd love). Although I'm not so happy about the thought of giving up a career to do school drop offs and collections but would love the time with them, especially school holidays. Although instead of working I'd simply be cleaning the house, washing etc. For the children and us. Although every-other week I'd have less to do and could hopefully make friends and be involved in the school and have a simple life.
Sorry it's long, advice please.

W.T.A.F! He's suggesting having complete and total control over nearly every aspect of your life so you can do the donkey work for all his children. If this very paragraph that you wrote with his proposals doesn't give you the wake up call you need, I really hope someone gives you a hard shake.

He wants a replacement nanny for all his kids plus a good admin assistant in his employ. That's how he sees you and the relationship.

That's exactly his end goal, to install a Mary Poppins, personal secretary, domestic appliance, bed warmer in place for the low cost of a ring and some pin money.

Even marrying him will give you not much above nothing unless you're married to him for a long time and even then, I know several women in their 50s who were married to financially controlling men for decades who royally screwed them in divorce.

He's using you.

And your kids will pay the price if you put your 'love' for him above them in any way.

I'd nope out of this fast.

He wants everything on his terms.

Yankathebear Tue 28-Jul-20 17:38:08

‘I've been reluctant as it is too much of a risk, he could ask us to leave at anytime! My children go to a good school where we live and are happy there. I own our small home, have a decent job that fits mostly around school times (some good childcare). I can't risk uprooting them and it doesn't work out and we then can't easily move back due to lack of school places’

The risk is still there surely? But you have an estranged husband to go with it.

Ginfilledcats Tue 28-Jul-20 17:38:21

A big fat nope nope nopety nope!!

Fedup21 Tue 28-Jul-20 17:39:57

I think you’d be absolutely mad to do this.

isthismylifenow Tue 28-Jul-20 17:41:35

So you would be working for him and he will be expecting you to do all the home admin for 7 children.

Two years is not a long time at all.

I wouldn't move there nor marry him.

Brightyellow Tue 28-Jul-20 17:42:32

Give up your job and home to look after 7 kids? No thanks.

Heartofglass12345 Tue 28-Jul-20 17:43:06

So you'd be looking after 8 kids, that doesn't sound like a simple life to me! I wouldn't do it. I gave up work to look after my children with my husband but there are only 2 of them and they're both ours, and I didn't like my job anyway.

Brightyellow Tue 28-Jul-20 17:43:11

And please don’t say he wants another child with you.

uniglowooljumper Tue 28-Jul-20 17:43:13

Your kids' happiness, your independence, your pension, your home, your career - NONE of these is worth any man. The fact that you're even considering this means you're very vulnerable. I actually find this really scary if I were you, it would frighten me to the core to imagine I even got o the point with some man who thought so little of me he saw me as a handy domestic appliance with holes whom he could get to give up absolutely everything of my life and my children's lives to enable him.

Because that's exactly what he's doing here. Exactly. I'd be fucking furious I allowed myself to be so blinded and insulted by such an 'offer'.

Nicolastuffedone Tue 28-Jul-20 17:43:18

NO!!!! NO, NO A THOUSAND TIMES NO!!!!

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