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Relationships

How can I get rid of him?

41 replies

Picklypickles · 28/07/2020 14:19

I have been with my "partner" for 14 years now and we have 2 children who are 8 and 6.

I met him at a time in my life when I was very lonely and depressed. It had been 2yrs since the end of a 5yr relationship, I was living alone and I was in and out of hospital with a serious kidney problem and eventually lost my very good job thanks to all the time off. My life seemed to be going backwards whereas around me all of my friends and family were all moving forwards - getting married/starting families/getting promoted etc. I spent most of my days sleeping until the afternoon and then spending all night watching tv or surfing the net, that was when I started speaking to him. At first it really was nothing more than friendship, he lived almost 400 miles away from him and I never thought I'd actually meet him in person. Then I got my final pay from my job and decided I would take a trip up to meet him, I was just going to go for a few days, have a bit of fun for once and come back home. It was lovely having some company and a bit of fun after months of nothing, the day before I was due to come home I said to him "I wish you could come with me" only half seriously but to my surprise he immediately said "ok I will, you can drop me back up in 2 weeks time to sign on".

I have always struggled saying no to people. I was physically abused by my stepdad from a very young age and my mother always excused his violence towards me by saying it was my own fault. I never felt I belonged to any family and didn't have any friends until I was 7 and my new next door neighbour decided that we would be best friends. I've always been so scared of being rejected or upsetting anyone that I would just go along with whatever people asked of me. This is only something I've realised since having some counselling sessions for depression.

Anyway, for about 6 months I would spend a couple of weeks with him in his home town and then a couple in mine, using up all of my savings. He then convinced me to move up there permanently and I did, despite not being 100% sure about it. He was unemployed, renting a room in a shared house and a heavy weed smoker with ADHD and HFA. But he promised that he would get a job when I told him I wasn't going to be supporting him financially and he did. Things were fine while he was working but then a new Manager started and he clashed with her and ended up walking out, leaving me trying to support us both on my Incapacity Benefit. When I gave him an ultimatum his response was for us to leave the shared house and go and live with his mum in the next county over and to go to his GP citing depression so that he could go onto Incapacity Benefit, because we were living together it became a joint claim - in his name. I then had surgery which fixed the problem with my kidney and I was able to get myself a full time job fairly quickly and after we'd been at him mums for a few months was able to get a HA flat of our own.

A year later I had a follow up appointment at hospital, I found out at this appointment that the huge infection stone that had been removed from my kidney had grown back in its entirety and that I was pregnant. Useless man was still refusing to get a job and was still spending all of his benefits on weed. I decided to come back home to live, my family were offering me support and he wasn't. He begged to come with me, blamed his autism for him being the way he was and he promised me faithfully that he would stop smoking and would be a good dad, in fact he made me feel like an asshole for even suggesting that he wouldn't and so of course I felt terribly guilty and let him come too.

He missed our daughters birth because he "got bored" of waiting while I was in labour, my mum had come to visit for an hour and told him to go and get something to eat from the cafe, he decided to drive 6 miles home and get high, right before I was rushed into theatre for an emcs. He came storming into the recovery room afterwards stinking of weed, red-eyed and ranting about "knee-jerk, lazy doctors". I tried to finish with him, he wouldn't have it, manipulated me with talk about how I'd used him to get what I want and was trying to take his child from him. Then came the niceness, declarations of undying love and promises to be better and so stupidly I just wasn't tough enough to say no.

We now have 2 children, I've done everything for them and basically just tried to leave him to it and live my own life regardless of his faults. He does next to nothing, no housework, no cooking, nothing with the children. Just spends all of our money (I am no longer working because of health again), gets high and sits on his ass in front of the playstation constantly, bellowing at the kids instead of actually attempting to parent them in any way. I have really grown to hate him, he is just a leech who takes absolutely everything and then sits around whining about how awful HIS life is.

I have tried to end it so many times but he just wont go, obviously he has no money, if he lives the house we rent he's made himself "intentionally homeless" so wont be entitled to any help. He's made it very clear he wouldn't be mature or decent if we split, the last time I told him it was over he stormed out and when our little girl asked him where he was going he snarled "better get used to me not being around, your mother wants to split up our family" and left me to deal with her hysterical reaction. His mother has passed away, his brother is a coke-addict and a nasty piece of work sofa-surfing at the other end of the country - I'm literally all he has and he is hanging on for dear life, like a deadweight on my shoulders that will not let me get up out of the gutter. He begs, pleads, sulks, makes life unbearable for all of us unless he gets his own way and so I have to pretend everything is fine all the time, I feel so utterly trapped and wishing he would just crash the car and die so we can be free. I really, really don't want to leave our house - its in my village where I grew up, a street away from my family and 2 minutes walk to the childrens school, all of our friends/family and lives are here, I just want him gone but I am absolutely stuck with him.

I'm sorry this is so long and rambling, does anyone have any ideas of how I can remove this money/life/soul sucking leech?

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hellsbellsmelons · 28/07/2020 14:31

I'm so sorry you've been through so much OP.
He absolutely does need to go though.
Give CAB a call and Shelter and see if they have any advice for you.
If you kick him out then the council will need to ensure he has accommodation.
Speak to any organisation you can to get this useless piece of flesh out of your house.
Womens Aid and Rights of Women would also be worth a call.
I really hope you manage to free yourself from this vile human.
In the mean-time do nothing for him.
Do NOT give him money.
Do NOT give in to his moods or whining.
Just carry on with your life.
Do not do his washing etc.....
Make his life as uncomfortable as you can for him.
Fingers crossed for your freedom soon!