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How can I get rid of him?(42 Posts)
I have been with my "partner" for 14 years now and we have 2 children who are 8 and 6.
I met him at a time in my life when I was very lonely and depressed. It had been 2yrs since the end of a 5yr relationship, I was living alone and I was in and out of hospital with a serious kidney problem and eventually lost my very good job thanks to all the time off. My life seemed to be going backwards whereas around me all of my friends and family were all moving forwards - getting married/starting families/getting promoted etc. I spent most of my days sleeping until the afternoon and then spending all night watching tv or surfing the net, that was when I started speaking to him. At first it really was nothing more than friendship, he lived almost 400 miles away from him and I never thought I'd actually meet him in person. Then I got my final pay from my job and decided I would take a trip up to meet him, I was just going to go for a few days, have a bit of fun for once and come back home. It was lovely having some company and a bit of fun after months of nothing, the day before I was due to come home I said to him "I wish you could come with me" only half seriously but to my surprise he immediately said "ok I will, you can drop me back up in 2 weeks time to sign on".
I have always struggled saying no to people. I was physically abused by my stepdad from a very young age and my mother always excused his violence towards me by saying it was my own fault. I never felt I belonged to any family and didn't have any friends until I was 7 and my new next door neighbour decided that we would be best friends. I've always been so scared of being rejected or upsetting anyone that I would just go along with whatever people asked of me. This is only something I've realised since having some counselling sessions for depression.
Anyway, for about 6 months I would spend a couple of weeks with him in his home town and then a couple in mine, using up all of my savings. He then convinced me to move up there permanently and I did, despite not being 100% sure about it. He was unemployed, renting a room in a shared house and a heavy weed smoker with ADHD and HFA. But he promised that he would get a job when I told him I wasn't going to be supporting him financially and he did. Things were fine while he was working but then a new Manager started and he clashed with her and ended up walking out, leaving me trying to support us both on my Incapacity Benefit. When I gave him an ultimatum his response was for us to leave the shared house and go and live with his mum in the next county over and to go to his GP citing depression so that he could go onto Incapacity Benefit, because we were living together it became a joint claim - in his name. I then had surgery which fixed the problem with my kidney and I was able to get myself a full time job fairly quickly and after we'd been at him mums for a few months was able to get a HA flat of our own.
A year later I had a follow up appointment at hospital, I found out at this appointment that the huge infection stone that had been removed from my kidney had grown back in its entirety and that I was pregnant. Useless man was still refusing to get a job and was still spending all of his benefits on weed. I decided to come back home to live, my family were offering me support and he wasn't. He begged to come with me, blamed his autism for him being the way he was and he promised me faithfully that he would stop smoking and would be a good dad, in fact he made me feel like an asshole for even suggesting that he wouldn't and so of course I felt terribly guilty and let him come too.
He missed our daughters birth because he "got bored" of waiting while I was in labour, my mum had come to visit for an hour and told him to go and get something to eat from the cafe, he decided to drive 6 miles home and get high, right before I was rushed into theatre for an emcs. He came storming into the recovery room afterwards stinking of weed, red-eyed and ranting about "knee-jerk, lazy doctors". I tried to finish with him, he wouldn't have it, manipulated me with talk about how I'd used him to get what I want and was trying to take his child from him. Then came the niceness, declarations of undying love and promises to be better and so stupidly I just wasn't tough enough to say no.
We now have 2 children, I've done everything for them and basically just tried to leave him to it and live my own life regardless of his faults. He does next to nothing, no housework, no cooking, nothing with the children. Just spends all of our money (I am no longer working because of health again), gets high and sits on his ass in front of the playstation constantly, bellowing at the kids instead of actually attempting to parent them in any way. I have really grown to hate him, he is just a leech who takes absolutely everything and then sits around whining about how awful HIS life is.
I have tried to end it so many times but he just wont go, obviously he has no money, if he lives the house we rent he's made himself "intentionally homeless" so wont be entitled to any help. He's made it very clear he wouldn't be mature or decent if we split, the last time I told him it was over he stormed out and when our little girl asked him where he was going he snarled "better get used to me not being around, your mother wants to split up our family" and left me to deal with her hysterical reaction. His mother has passed away, his brother is a coke-addict and a nasty piece of work sofa-surfing at the other end of the country - I'm literally all he has and he is hanging on for dear life, like a deadweight on my shoulders that will not let me get up out of the gutter. He begs, pleads, sulks, makes life unbearable for all of us unless he gets his own way and so I have to pretend everything is fine all the time, I feel so utterly trapped and wishing he would just crash the car and die so we can be free. I really, really don't want to leave our house - its in my village where I grew up, a street away from my family and 2 minutes walk to the childrens school, all of our friends/family and lives are here, I just want him gone but I am absolutely stuck with him.
I'm sorry this is so long and rambling, does anyone have any ideas of how I can remove this money/life/soul sucking leech?
I'm so sorry you've been through so much OP.
He absolutely does need to go though.
Give CAB a call and Shelter and see if they have any advice for you.
If you kick him out then the council will need to ensure he has accommodation.
Speak to any organisation you can to get this useless piece of flesh out of your house.
Womens Aid and Rights of Women would also be worth a call.
I really hope you manage to free yourself from this vile human.
In the mean-time do nothing for him.
Do NOT give him money.
Do NOT give in to his moods or whining.
Just carry on with your life.
Do not do his washing etc.....
Make his life as uncomfortable as you can for him.
Fingers crossed for your freedom soon!
I don't give him money, he takes what he wants, if I don't allow this he will make life unbearable for us all with his sulking and we can't even leave him to it because he will stalk around the house muttering darkly or ranting and raving, slamming doors and deliberately being as much of an asshole is as humanly possible until I give in and let him have his way, I have honestly never known anyone who can make life so difficult with the way he acts and I'm desperately trying to shield my kids from it. He gaslights, lies, manipulates and I'm at the point now where I'm just so battered from it all that I can barely think straight most of the time.
Is the house solely in your name?
I find the most effective things are:
- Have your family, friends around all the time. Have your sister to stay, for moral support.
- Leave the fridge empty of things he eats
- Keep handing him the hoover, insisting he help changing beds, putting bins out etc
- Don’t share a bed
- Don’t do his washing
- don’t give him money or leave your bag lying around
- Watch lots of ‘girlie’ TV
In other words, live the life you will live when he is gone. He’ll soon find someone else to sponge from.
OP you need to start making plans to leave and you need to do this without letting him know.
Get in contact with your local Domestic Abuse organisation and organise for your benefits to go into a separate bank account he has no access to. Can you find somewhere else to rent or move in with a relative until you do?
No its a rented HA property in both our names. I did once manage to get him to call them and ask about getting his own place but they said if he leaves he's making himselg intentionally homeless and they wont have to help him, there is a very long waiting list for properties i nour area.
So you do EXACTLY that. You give him NO money. You literally make sure there is nothing in the house, you go to your parents' to eat, you hide your bank card, etc.
When he starts slamming round the house, you phone the police and tell them he is threatening you and being abusive.
They'll remove him.
You change the locks immediately and you don't let him back in.
If he's on the tenancy, he has a right to be there. But he DOESN'T have a right to act absuively, threaten you, or demand money.
If he wants money he can earn it.
If he was on the tenancy but was earning, non-abusive and reasonable, then yes it would be a case of you having to leave as he would have done nothing wrong.
But he does a LOT wrong.
So you let that happen and then instead of placating him, you start the official ball rolling on getting rid of him. It will be unpleasant, but it's absolutely doable.
Is it currently a HA tenancy, and is he on it?
Contact Shelter have your contract to hand for the call. Contact your HA (do you have a Housing Officer?) explain that you're in an abusive relationship and have no where to go. Contact your council and explain what's going on.
Between them, you should get something sorted out.
Ok then your route is as said above.
You tell him you are no longer in a relationship, he cannot make you be in a relationship with him - it is over.
He therefore has no right to your money.
(I'd actually put in a CSA claim to make it 'official' that you have split)
Then when he kicks off, call the police.
Also do as suggested above - get in touch with your HA and ask about the process of severing the tenancy. Cite abuse, however - almost certainly they will ask for proof. They can't just throw him out on your say-so.
However if he's on the tenancy then - slightly revised from above - let him kick off, call police and ask for him to be removed, cite coercive control (demanding money or he will abuse the children verbally) and GET IT ALL ON RECORD, and ask how you can prevent him coming back to the property legally (rather than you just changing locks) while you report him to the HA and try and get him off the tenancy.
However... you know that if you really do keep going with it, call police, refuse money - if you make his life that difficult, it's likely that he will just push off.
He sounds awful. You absolutely must get rid.
The above posters have given you some excellent advice. I’m sorry I can’t add anything practical to what they’ve already said.
Is this classed as abuse though? Wouldn't it be my word against his and how can I prove the way he behaves? When I try to have a logical discussion with him about how unfair his behaviour is he just denies any and all wrong-doing, insists that he is in fact very helpful and deserves a medal for putting up with ME and my crazy emotions.
I am trying to get help, both of my children are on waiting lists to be assessed for autism and we do have support from our local childrens centre but this came into place weeks before lockdown and so I can't discuss anything with our supporter at the moment because we only talk via video call and he is always here during the day, always watching and listening.
The other thing about the money is that he gets most of it paid into his account, the ESA and his DLA. I only get the CTC and CB into mine and surprise surprise most of the bills come out of my account.
OP make the calls and let us know what they say. You can only know where you stand once you've spoken to the relevant people and received advice:
Your local DV organisation can be found here.
Contact the Housing Department of your council.
Contact your Housing Officer
You've been given the details for Shelter above and should phone them first in order to fully understand your rights.
Yes. It's very very abusive and the sooner you realise this the sooner you can get an action plan in place.
Give Womens Aid a call. They can confirm how awfully controlling and bullying he is.
It's full on abuse.
Gaslighting is abuse.
Stonewalling is abuse.
Damaging property by slamming about is abuse.
Taking money he has no claim on is abuse.
Calling you names is abuse.
He's also a drug addict.
He absolutely has to go and quickly.
I have a feeling your DC will be so much happier without him causing an awful atmosphere in the house. ADHD or not!
Yes it is abuse.
Take the children to visit your parents for the day, call your support worker and Women's Aid from there.
How do you think this sounds?
'I want to end the relationship as he refuses to work, verbally abuses the children if they upset him (instead of parenting them properly) and refuses to contribute to any family responsibilities. When I've tried to end the relationship he becomes verbally aggressive, frightens the children and says inappropriate things to them. He demands money from me even though he won't contribute; if I refuse he is again verbally aggressive and intimidating. I've had to come out of the house to make these calls as he is always there watching what I do and who I speak to.'
Sound ok? No.
If you called the police and reported aggressive behaviour yes they would remove him.
The children shouldn't be living like this.
Is the ESA and DLA yours or his?
Ok - then call those agencies and explain the situation and ask how you make a seaprate claim for you and your children.
ASK FOR HELP! Agencies are familiar with this situation and they will help you. You could even start by asking your child's support worker to help you navigate speaking to HA to get him off the tenancy and other agencies to separate out claims (or claim for something else if that's appropriate).
I will make the calls, I'll have to arrange to do it from my mums house though as he is always here listening and if he knows what I'm trying to do he will create an unbearable attitude in our home for us all or redouble his efforts to keep his claws in me. My family would all love for me to be rid of him so they will help me, I just haven't been in any of their houses since lockdown. I can't stay with my mum, abusive stepdad is there, not abusive any more now that I'm an adult but I don't trust him near my children and well I hate him.
Thank you all so much for all of your support and suggestions. My head has been all over the place for such a long time I'm always questioning myself, the guilt is the hardest thing to deal with, it breaks me to see people upset and my god he knows it.
he will create an unbearable attitude in our home for us all or redouble his efforts to keep his claws in me
Shouting, slamming, throwing things, ranting.
Pick up the phone. 'My partner is making threats and intimidating me, please can you help'
I would keep this quiet for the time being as he could escalate if he thinks you're going to end it.
*he will create an unbearable attitude in our home for us all or redouble his efforts to keep his claws in me*
Shouting, slamming, throwing things, ranting.
Pick up the phone. 'My partner is making threats and intimidating me, please can you help'
He doesn't throw things, its mostly following me around the house with a face like thunder and muttering under his breath, he does sometimes slam cupboard doors etc so that I am always aware that he isn't happy, there's no ignoring him.
Oh my goodness OP. I read all that with a sinking heart. This is horrendous for you and your children. There's no turning back now, please be strong and end this once and for all. I have no better advice than has been given, but it does sound like he's going to make this extremely difficult for you so you may have to employ every trick in the book to separate him from your family.
We're all rooting for you.
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