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Message OW or not?

(76 Posts)
Flipflopfoodle Mon 27-Jul-20 18:20:15

Long time MN user but new account.
2 yrs ago DH did the usual, 'too close to a female work colleague' thing. It was 4 weeks of discussing feelings, more than friends etc. She was very keen he was less so, but obviously not less enough!
After 4 weeks, he puts a stop to it, comes home tells me, shows me all the messages between them. Blocks her on all except work email. We go to therapy and have moved on. He refused to sext/send pictures or meet up at a hotel to 'talk things through' all things she asked for. (I've seen the messages, I've been on MN long enough not to believe what I'm told without proof!)

Anyway. Over the last 2 years she has occasionally fished for him, last time was Mother's day last year, got drunk, took a friend's phone and sent him texts about how terrible her life was, how she needed a friend etc... He showed me immediately, replied he cannot be that friend for her. Her friend is livid and OW apologises. Then she finds out she is pregnant. Big sigh of relief, she seems to concentrate on her marriage and we have had a yr of nothing.

Now to this w/e. She has separated from her DH and she immediately sends DH a work email saying her head is a mess, it's all bad but she's glad he is happy at least.

It's been 2 years (and a child for her), she is still blocked except work email, which is monitored. We decided to ignore it but I'm wondering if an answer back along lines of, 'sorry you're sad,, hope things get better, yes I'm very happy with DW' might actually be a better idea?
What do the wise MN jury think?

OP’s posts: |
HollowTalk Mon 27-Jul-20 18:24:32

Oh god, I'd send one back saying, "For fuck's sake, fuck the fuck off" or similar grin

Who the hell does she think she is?

takeanotherchillpill Mon 27-Jul-20 18:27:09


yesterdaystotalsteps123 Mon 27-Jul-20 18:28:18

Well I don't believe she was very keen, he was less so. I hope you aren't still doing the pick me dance. She's messaging him because something happened between them when he was married to you. And you only know his side of the story and what he's chosen to show you. But no I wouldn't message. And I wouldn't do pick me either. And I wouldn't believe him.

Palavah Mon 27-Jul-20 18:28:44

Better to not engage at all. Even 'hope it gets better' can be taken as conversational if the reader is so inclined.

Lugn Mon 27-Jul-20 18:31:11

Ignore. Any response whatsoever will elicit more contact from her.

category12 Mon 27-Jul-20 18:32:25

No, if he's sending a message it should be very clear:

"While I appreciate you're going through a difficult time, I'm not the appropriate person for you to confide in. Please don't send me any more messages of a personal nature, we are colleagues only."

Thingsdogetbetter Mon 27-Jul-20 18:36:11

I'd ignore this one. You dh could get in serious shite at work if it's found you are pretending to be him on his work account. Your polite reply is really opening up communication rather than closing it down. At best, HE should be replying that this email is for work purposes only and he wants to remain on a professional only level - not acknowledging the content of her email at all. Should she continue to do so so again he needs to go to HR.

Obviously you absolutely can't tell her to fuck off on his work email!!

TryAnotherNickname Mon 27-Jul-20 18:37:16

@category12’s note is very good. Frankly I’d have asked him to get a new job in the meantime. Is that even vaguely an option now? Appreciate that jobs no longer grow in trees but you need her out of your way.

category12 Mon 27-Jul-20 18:37:43

I'm assuming the message would be actually sent by the husband, content agreed together, not her pretending to him.

unrulyeyelash Mon 27-Jul-20 18:40:46

Maybe not very PC of me, but I'd send her a message "stay the fuck away from my husband, your problems are nothing to do with us". In fact actually I'd tell him to send a similar message telling her to fuck off and that any further contact that isn't completely work related will be considered harassment.

It's a bit tricky since they work together, but it needs to be blunt.

TryAnotherNickname Mon 27-Jul-20 18:42:02

Yes of course actually from the husband! Don’t get him sacked ffs

Brightyellow Mon 27-Jul-20 18:42:58

I’d tell her where to go too.

RedRumTheHorse Mon 27-Jul-20 18:45:36

I would ignore.

Only because she may try and twist any email sent as him as being a sign of interest. He has already made it clear he's not interested in her by not answering her through other means.

Hiccupiscal Mon 27-Jul-20 18:45:53

Oh op, i must say you've done incredibly well keeping cool in this situation. After all this time and her keep cropping up, I would now have to say something - not coming from Dh, but as yourself.

"Please leave my husband and I alone, he is a happily married man, and your constant involvement in our lives is not wanted. Please do not contact my husband in a none professional/work related manner again"

.... im guessing OW doesn't realise you know all about her. I think you've done well to keep quiet so far, but now this is just way too much and she needs shutting down from you.

I should imagine it will make her very stupid and might give her the final kick to pack it in!

iftherewereahorseyinthehouse Mon 27-Jul-20 18:46:03

Crikey, this is work email? Just tell him to delete it and move on. Do not conduct ANY personal relationship discussions via work email.

If he's already done that he's asking for trouble.

iftherewereahorseyinthehouse Mon 27-Jul-20 18:47:22

Or I think he could get away with category 12s email saying they are colleagues only.

Snarkastic Mon 27-Jul-20 18:50:11

So she still works there? Do they actually work together or is it e.g. in another dept?
Tbh I'd just ignore. That's more embarrassing/final for her in a way.

CuppaZa Mon 27-Jul-20 18:50:28

If a male was messaging a female Co-worker how she is, he’d be in the shit, or at the very least pulled up wrt to complete up professionalism and inappropriateness.
So no, I wouldn’t ignore, but I would respond stating if she contacts him about anything other than work he will consider it harassment and take appropriate steps

FeckTheMagicDragon Mon 27-Jul-20 18:51:16

I agree with the ‘colleagues only’ email from your DH. Maybe he should have an informal chat with HR?

CuppaZa Mon 27-Jul-20 18:51:18

My post isn’t clear, HE needs to contact her stating this

lunar1 Mon 27-Jul-20 18:55:21

He needs to contact HR and ask them to block her from his work email and explain why.

Tappering Mon 27-Jul-20 18:56:26

He needs to email back and say: I have repeatedly asked you not to contact me. If you continue to do so then I will have no choice but to notify HR. Please stop.

Flipflopfoodle Mon 27-Jul-20 18:58:37

Ok. No I didn't mean me pretending to be him! HR know about it, at the time he went to see them. I also got a meeting with them as I asked to sit in 😂.
Most certainly not the Pick me dance. Since the event I have a new job and all my paperwork in order which he knows about. If it did reoccur I am now in a clean position to walk away. I am staying as I really enjoy the marriage, simple as that.

OP’s posts: |
Tappering Mon 27-Jul-20 18:59:59

If HR are already aware then tell him not to respond and ask them to deal.

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