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DH has just left me - next steps?

(21 Posts)
DriftGames Mon 27-Jul-20 16:27:19

My DH has just left me. We have an 8mo DD and I'm in mat leave until Monday when I'm due back at work. Problem is, if I'm not with him then I'm not staying in this city. I moved away from my family to be with him and I can't afford our house on my own, luckily we rent, so I'll be moving back home. This in turn means I can't go back to work.

I have worked all of my life and I have no idea if I'm entitled to any help with money & housing. I have no savings or property so I am essentially left with 1 more maternity payment of £297 and that's it until I can find a new job & childcare locally.

Can anyone advise what my next steps are here?! I'm clueless and obviously not thinking too straight either.

OP’s posts: |
granadagirl Mon 27-Jul-20 16:33:52

First question
Was it heat moment argument and he walked out?

DriftGames Mon 27-Jul-20 16:37:34

No, he left 4 days ago and has said he's not coming back. Even if he does, he's put me through hell this last week and I don't want to live like that anymore!

OP’s posts: |
Gobbolinothewitchscat Mon 27-Jul-20 16:39:31

I would arrange a solicitors appointment. If you look on the law soc of Scotland or Law soc of England and Wales (as appropriate), you can find a solicitor in your area who does family law. Some provide 30 minutes free advice but it is not mandatory so ask about that

Generally speaking, your husband would be expected to contribute financially towards support for your daughter and you would be entitled to an equitable split if any assets (savings etc)

Depending on where your parents live (ie distance), you may need some advice before you relocate your DD there so ask for advice from the solicitor

If you look online, you can find some benefits calculators that can give you a rough approximation of what you are entitled to. You may find you aren’t entitled to local authority housing near your parents if you have been a non-resident so worth checking that

I’m sorry to hear this. 💐

tiredanddangerous Mon 27-Jul-20 16:41:03

Go online and see what benefits you're entitled to op. The sensible thing would be go back to your job for now and start looking for jobs in your home town in the meantime.

How far away is your home town? If you move back there you'll be expected to bring your dd back regularly to see her father.

I'm sorry this happened to you flowers

Gobbolinothewitchscat Mon 27-Jul-20 16:42:17

Agree with tired - don’t resign until you are clearer as to what is happening

Horehound Mon 27-Jul-20 16:43:19

If you've always worked and paid taxes you should get jobseekwrs allowance although I'm not exactly sure how it works if you purposely leave your job.

I think in your situation I'd go to the Dr and get signed off. Just explain situation say you're anxious and stressed and they will sign you off. My Dr asked me "how long do you want" grin

I got one month and found a job in that time.
Also you will have accrued holiday so you could leave the job and ask for annual leave to be paid?

HollowTalk Mon 27-Jul-20 16:48:38

Can you go to your parents' for a couple of months until you're settled?

Just because he decides to leave you, it doesn't mean he doesn't have responsibilities to you and your child. It's outrageous that he thinks he can just walk away.

DriftGames Mon 27-Jul-20 16:56:02

Sorry for not tagging posters - the app makes this difficult.

My parents live 45 minutes away, he's aware we would be moving back there and has said he will collect DD to see her.

We have literally no assets together so nothing to split, we rent but our contract is up soon so we would just give our notice.

I'll have a look at benefits calculators but as stated - unsure how this works if I leave my job but I really don't want to stay in this city and with our tenancy almost up, I wouldn't want to commit to another in this area.

I didn't think about getting signed off, that's definitely one to consider to buy time!

My family will have me as long/little as I like so that's nice, but I'm very independent and want to get the ball rolling as soon as possible. If the tenancy agreement was longer then I'd go back to work and put plans in place to get a new job in my hometown but I just can't afford to stay here alone and don't want to renew.

OP’s posts: |
updownroundandround Mon 27-Jul-20 17:05:13

Definitely get signed off by GP so you can sort things out. Going back to work on Monday simply isn't doable as you've got to sort your finances, childcare etc and you're still going to be in shock.

Talk to your work and your parents to let them know what's happening in case they can suggest any short term alternatives for you ( ie maybe your mum can come and stay with you so you are free to see solicitor, DWP etc without your baby.

As PP said, just because your DH has left, it does not mean he can avoid his responsibilities as a husband and a father, and you need to tell him so.

After seeing what your options are, you can decide whether or not you want to try to get a job back home where you have family support.

Things will settle in time, and I'm sure both you and your baby will be happier soon.

I wish you the very best flowers

GreyGardens88 Mon 27-Jul-20 17:21:28

OP I would do as you've said, give up your job and move back home with your family for support, then look for a job in your hometown

RandomMess Mon 27-Jul-20 17:23:14

Ring up CMS for a start and put a claim in for UC today as financially you are still liable fit the rent etc.

If you move back to your parents will he move into the house?

Charleyhorses Mon 27-Jul-20 17:37:10

If it's only 45 mins to your parents why do you need to give up your job? What arrangements did you have in place for childcare? Can't you just carry on?

OneForMeToo Mon 27-Jul-20 17:42:03

For 45 minutes commute in until you can find something else I reckon.

louloubelx Mon 27-Jul-20 17:48:25

Ring up universal credits immediately to start a new claim or change a current one. It takes a few weeks to kick in so the sooner you do it, the better. Ask your ex if he will set up a standing order for maintenance and if not go straight to cms and get the ball rolling there too. I believe you may be entitled to income support if you have a little one and aren’t working but the best place to find all this out is a website called

chubbyhotchoc Mon 27-Jul-20 18:04:30

If you've been getting maternity pay I think you'd have to pay it back to the company if you left, I could be wrong. I wouldn't make any sudden moves. If he's on the tenancy agreement he needs to pay his half of the rent. I wouldn't agree to any access arrangements until You decide what to do. Is he in a decent job? He'll have to pay you maintenance in line with his earnings. The more he has your dd the less you will get in maintenance. If you work I think universal credit top up your money. They did when I was a single mother. You could definitely get signed off with stress until you decide on your moves. Don't do anything hasty with your job.

MyOwnSummer Mon 27-Jul-20 19:33:34

If your fixed term contract ends on the tenancy, it automatically becomes a rolling month to month tenancy which means you could stay a few months to get some £s coming in, save, plan your move and start applying for jobs in your preferred area.

Could that be an option? LL might agree if you ask.

ThickFast Mon 27-Jul-20 19:37:28

Yeah don’t give up your job until you’ve found out if you’d be entitled if you quit. I don’t think you would. But there may be an extenuating circumstances clause or something. Can you commute? Can your parents do childcare?

notfunnynow Tue 28-Jul-20 17:12:20

Double check your work policy before handing in your notice. Some workplaces require you to go back for 3 months or you have to pay back all the maternity money

notfunnynow Tue 28-Jul-20 17:14:50

and don’t knee jerk quit. This is currently the worst time in recent history with thousands being made unemployed and worse to come if we have a second lockdown. Holding on to a job should be your priority right now. Do you drive? Move back to your family and commute. Some people get a train for an hour in the morning to get to work.

notfunnynow Tue 28-Jul-20 17:15:44

Also if you quit you might have to wait 6 months before being able to claim any benefits. You need to double check everything

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