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When does the pain ease? Separation from husband

(26 Posts)
jigglypuffcookie Mon 27-Jul-20 09:05:20

Me and my husband have separated and he moved out this weekend past. It's amicable but more his choice.
The kids stayed with him last weekend and are so excited about decorating their rooms. I know I should be happy they are ok and I'm putting a smile on in front of them but inside it feels like I'm dying.

When does this go away? Giving myself constant headaches by crying all the time. It all hurts so much.

OP’s posts: |
Codexdivinchi Mon 27-Jul-20 09:19:27

How long is a piece of string? flowers

Keep busy, get out of the house, contact old friends/new friends, decorate your house, start running or exercise, stay off the booze, these all helped for me.

Refocus your life. I really invested in me and found myself again. This period of time is really shit bit you have to dig deep and fix it yourself flowers

SilverYellow Mon 27-Jul-20 09:22:37

I second what @Codexdivinchi said.
It's really hard, like really, really hard but it will get better and the more you focus on you (hobbies, friends and yourself) the easier it'll be.

Make sure you stay off the alcohol (it really doesn't help) and it stopped me from doing the above.

Sending you a huge virtual hug.

barryfromclareisfit Mon 27-Jul-20 09:28:32

Takes a long, long time. So, don't expect it to go away, just focus on the other things in your life.

Crying is perfectly fine at your stage. If you're still crying regularly, after three months get some counselling.

As perspective, I realised I was fully over the end of my marriage twenty-five years after it happened. I'd had a whole life in between, with many achievements and some happiness, but it took that long to realise that the eleven years I'd had with him and the break up didn't matter to me any more. They were just part of the whole picture of my life.

Sending you good wishes. Plod on from day to day and one day you'll realise you haven't thought of him for weeks...

Honeyroar Mon 27-Jul-20 09:31:17

I agree. There’s no answer to this. Everyone is different. As pp have said, try and do things for yourself- change your house round, decorate (let the children decorate their bedrooms with you too?). Plan some days out with friends or the children. Do something like starting running. Keep yourself busy, lean on other people, seek counselling or see the Dr if you’re really struggling (I did, there’s no shame). Make sure you’re eating and drink lots of water. Step by step, bit by bit it will get easier.

Tappering Mon 27-Jul-20 09:39:14

It takes time.

Be gentle with yourself.

Try and eat - I know it's difficult when you feel churned up and miserable, but depression is exacerbated by lack of food. If you are struggling then soup is a good option.

The split might be amicable but you don't have to spend time together. Not seeing him will help you, so keep handovers brisk and don't do 'family days' unless it's unavoidable. Civil distance is your friend here.

Finally, it takes time. I know it's a cliche but like all good cliches it's rooted in truth. It hurts horribly now - it won't be so bad in three months, and then it will be better again at the six month mark. I've heard a rule of thumb to allow about a month of recovery time for every year of your relationship.

Planbforme Mon 27-Jul-20 10:06:53

Aw sorry OP. I’m going through a separation too. It wasn’t his decision but I have a lot of disappointment and anger about not being treated right.

The alcohol advice is good. I’ve been drinking a bit and had one heavy night recently and I felt like I was in a black hole afterwards. I might try to quit it as it’s definitely not helping (although it does at the time).

I was heartbroken the way you are in the past & I never thought I’d get through it but I did ... after 8 years he actually begged me back! I went back for two nights & then asked to be friends. Too much had gone down. Try to keep a skin/beauty regime and watch some good comedy at night. flowers

OldBean2 Mon 27-Jul-20 12:21:46

It is like grief, it doesn't go overnight but gradually you just get used to it and it hurts you less.

If you can feel nd a new interest or rekindle an old one, then that will help as a distraction and gradually the distraction becomes your focus.

Everyone is different but remember you have an army of support here, who will come up with much better advice than me.

jigglypuffcookie Tue 28-Jul-20 10:38:27

Thanks for all of the replies, I seem to be very up and down at the moment. Good to know there's light at the end of the tunnel.

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HoneyWheeler Tue 28-Jul-20 10:46:28

Ok so this happened to me with my ex, we'd been together a number of years but even when I chose to split it felt like I was a bit dying inside, which I felt so confused about and made it all feel worse

My cousin is a neuroscientist and he said so
String that really helped me, and I hope it helps you too! Our brains are constantly changing, and when we've done something for a really long time our brain makes neural pathways so it's kind of a shortcut. Our brain has made the connection so many times that it speeds it up. Eg you have a cup of tea every morning of your life, so you begin to associate waking up with the smell of tea. The same thing happens with our relationships. You have felt love and comfort and security in a relationship for so long that when you think of that person those feelings come up. Even if you rationally know that it is over and you accept that situation - your brain takes time to catch up and form new pathways.

It's actually a physiological thing - you could observe this in your brain! That's why it feels so shit now - it will for a while but I promise that it won't feel like that forever. Take your time and give yourself lots of grace. It does get better.

BraverThanYouBel1eve Tue 28-Jul-20 10:53:22

In the same boat here, up and down but accepting it because I think it's for the best in some distant future. Like maybe a year from now. But right now living in the same house when we're separated is very hard.

I made the decision to split in the end, so emotionally I probably moved on more than my partner, but it's still shit for me too.

BraverThanYouBel1eve Tue 28-Jul-20 10:55:50

Walking, nature, animals, creative activities (music, drawing etc), positive connections with other people all help the healing process. I also like listening to audiobooks (currently listening to 'You Learn By Living' by Eleanor Roosevelt). Be strong. x

jigglypuffcookie Tue 28-Jul-20 16:57:57

Thanks @HoneyWheeler that does help

I've just got an audible credit @BraverThanYouBel1eve so I'll give that book a try 🙂

Kids at his again tonight so feel a bit empty but keeping busy

OP’s posts: |
JustBeingMoi Tue 28-Jul-20 18:29:26

I asked my husband to leave a few months ago after emotional and verbal abuse. I'm still in pain.

All I can say is be kind to yourself. Be gentle. Give yourself manageable tasks. My current task is to get the house sold. So iver set myself goals; get valuations sorted, contact a solicitor, paint the hallway, etc etc. Give yourself some you time. Reconnect with friends and family. Meet them now lockdown is over. Book yourself a couple of nights away, with friends or on your own. Have a bath. Read a book. Knit. Do the things you love. I'm focusing on being really proactive on the days my ex has my daughter, so that I can focus on her when she comes home.

Some days I feel fantastic about what I'm managing to do on my own, some days I feel OK, some days I cry. Its all OK. Good luck lovely.

Diabetes123 Tue 28-Jul-20 19:05:37

Can I join in sad

Feeling really like really low tonight. I left a little over 3 month ago after 22 years of marriage and 30 years together. Left my 19 and 16 year old DD's with him as it was my decision to go.

I literally feel like the worst grief ever. Coming home to an empty house every night after work, cooking for one, cant sleep barely eating sad Just awful the pain is unbearable. When you kinda think how am I gonna live with this decision?

I'm really trying to do things going for a walk, having a catch up with friends but I just have no motivation just feel completely flat.

Any advice greatly appreciated smile

jigglypuffcookie Tue 28-Jul-20 19:34:13

Hi @jigglypuffcookie and@Diabetes123 the feeling is awful isn't it? Do men feel this too? Trying to keep busy but nearly burst in to tears in the shop! Going to go for a walk so hopefully that helps a bit.

Hugs to you both x

OP’s posts: |
Diabetes123 Tue 28-Jul-20 19:51:26

jiggkypuffcookie Im not sure if men do to be honest. I know my DH was absolutely devastated when I told him I wanted to separate and he says hes heartbroken but hes been managing to look after our DD's (although they are 19 and 16 so quite self sufficient now), playing golf, catching up with his friend going for walks.

I can barely manage to put one foot in front of the other at the minute sad

jigglypuffcookie Tue 28-Jul-20 21:52:27

Feels like my DH is absolutely fine! He's going to the pub this weekend while I know I can't face that yet! Keep thinking I'll be fine one day but it's hard to believe it.

Coming back to an empty house is a killer, even coming back with the dog just now to the empty house hurts. I'm so lonely

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Letsdoanamechangeagain Tue 28-Jul-20 22:15:30

It's a cliche but time, time, time.

18 months after I split I was still crying myself to sleep at night. Honestly, I felt like I could die at times.

If you have time to yourself, explore your surroundings, what's going on, what interests you?

One of the big things that helped me was putting my own stamp on the house, I made it MINE. I redecorated. I binged watched all the stuff I loved but he hated.

It's taken time, but right now I'm in a place where my life is not perfect but I can see the light. I'm content. I'm not dating and I dont want to.

It will get better. When I found out he was seeing someone else, it crushed me. But, it allowed me closure, so in retrospect it was a good thing.

Be gentle with yourself, and go easy on the booze

BraverThanYouBel1eve Wed 29-Jul-20 08:19:24

I also read 'Six Pillars of Self Esteem' by Nathaniel Branden and that helped me to deal with my doubts over this decision, and my decisions generally. The book helps you to learn to trust your judgement, and to commit to action that reflects your feelings and beliefs.

Diabetes123 Wed 29-Jul-20 16:48:27

Letsdoanamechangeagain

I would love to put my stamp on the house but I'm living in rented until we get things sorted so really just trying to live with the essentials per se at the minute.

Mmmm…. I'm not sure how I will feel if he meets someone new at the minute I would love to try and work things out but not sure if that's possible only time will tell.

Was it your decision?

Letsdoanamechangeagain Wed 29-Jul-20 17:07:14

It was my decision to end it, but he caused the split if that makes sense?

lmwghb Wed 29-Jul-20 17:18:53

Just to answer a couple of threads up I can assure you us men do go through this. DW left for OM and my emotions are all over the place, I dare say a lot of men will probably keep a lot of these feelings in or express them in the "macho" way just like men are taught to do.

I've never had an issue expressing my feelings (probably because I was brought up in a family most of woman). In these situations we hurt just as much and we swing from despair, anger, hope, love and switch between each emotion randomly. One minute we accept the situation next we feel we need to fight for our love (we're fixers after all). We do have a cry about it as well and we do wake up wishing it was all better and struggle that there is a full day ahead to get through.

We think ahead about what life may look like without our spouse and wonder can we found someone like them again, can we find love again like this. We struggle about when we should remove our wedding ring or start removing the remnants of our life together from the house (photos and little tokens of love like teddies) and worry about when or how we even begin dating.

We feel the shame of not being able to keep our family together and worry about how sociality will view us for that. We take a gold old knock on the self esteem front and worry that we may just not be good enough or that someone else just won't see our worth, or that we're too old now to start again.

Yeah its 100% a rollercoaster for both sexes it may well be just how we express it and the how we "front" it thats different but trust me we do feel it.

jigglypuffcookie Wed 29-Jul-20 20:33:58

Thanks @lmwghb this kind of confirms my DH is a lot further ahead then I am and probably never coming back.
Today I'm been panicking about finances- I've been so used to relying on him I now don't know how I'm going to cope. We've been comfortable for years and now I have to go back to the beginning and learn to budget. I know I can do it but my whole future has just gone - no bigger house or nice holidays. We would have finally been able to have these things but instead he's gone. He's going to find someone else and they will get it all instead playing happy families.

Know this is the unknown but it's where I'm at today. Just terrified I can't do this alone.

OP’s posts: |
lmwghb Wed 29-Jul-20 20:43:53

You can absolutely do it on your own believe in yourself. My wife seems certainly well ahead I terms of her emotions than I am hence the reason I was so blindsided by it. The initial shock of how they can just walk away will wear off.

Like yourself we where reaching a point that it was going to our time as we had our family quite young. I am thinking more nights out and away, holidays for two, just generally being together more again and focusing on us as a couple. However that’s now gone and she has other plans with the OM and of course I am starting again now from the beginning while they are off having a great time dating etc (though they might not be) acting like a couple of teenagers.

It’s hard but I try not to focus on my wife and try to think about how I will make a better future for myself but it is all very overwhelming and daunting and I grieve for the life we had and the dreams I had of what was to become for us.

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