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Pinkmoonshinedust1920 · 26/07/2020 16:12

Hello, I am hoping for some advice on my situation.

I have always found it difficult having relationship talks with boyfriends, as I always thought a good relationship would naturally progress. Perhaps I was naive? I think the time has come to be an adult about things, especially as I am mid 30s, and I am desperate to have a husband and family.

I've been with my boyfriend for almost a year now. In the first five months, he was head over heels - there was no disputing that. He told me he loved me within three months. I told him I felt the same. He is six years older than me, in his early 40s, and well established professionally and financially - the same as me. We share similar interests, such as keeping fit.

He was opening up about his family and getting me involved in the renovation of his house. He would tell me 'when you meet my family' one day, and one time his sister was due to stay with him for a while, and he said I would meet her (she didn't make it in the end). The one hiccup was sex - he clearly didn't have any confidence, and has been taking medication which affects his libido, but a few weeks in, the sex was good - he was intiating and it was nice. Very early on, I checked that we were on the same page in terms of looking for a partner to start a family with - he agreed. Finally, I thought, this might be it, after years of being avoidant, and drifting from one dead end relationship to another.

Things changed since lockdown though, six months into the relationship. We ended up arguing a lot, and he was a lot less affectionate, and not into sex at all. We haven't had sex in four months. He said he didn't want me staying over so much during the week, because his work was stressful. Before lockdown, we were spending several nights together. Also, he is very protective of his time on the weekend - he wants a day to himself. Bearing in mind, he lives entirely alone, away from friends and family.

His sister came to visit, and there was no mention of meeting. His family still don't know about me. He finally admitted that he isn't sure about us, and he was concerned about my weight (I have put on a tiny bit of weight, despite being very active before, as I stopped going to the gym - I am a size 10). He said he would fancy me more if I lost some weight and toned up. This was my plan anyway, but it was a real kick in the teeth. He's hardly perfect himself! I’m back on a healthy diet and working out now - more for me, than it is for him.

Things feel like they have stagnated, and we are definitely out of the honeymoon phase now. The other day he was grumpy as he had to get off the phone, and I said to him we don't have to talk every lunch and evening, if it's too much for you. He agreed. He hardly messages during the day. I asked him if he really wanted to be with me - he seemed genuinely surprised and asked 'where has this come from, of course I do.'

I sense he may have an avoidant attachment style. When he used to talk about the future, I think it was always such an abstract thing for him, well into the future. But we have been together a year now, and I think we should be spending several evenings together (he agreed to spending more time during the week), and slowly introducing each other to our families, and really planning having a family - not right now, but in a year or two I would definitely like to start trying.

He had only one previous girlfriend, who he was engaged to, but didn't feel sexually attracted enough to her because she was overweight. He dated a woman last year who he felt had too many wrinkles around her eyes. How he objectifies women is concerning because it shows to me perhaps he lacks emotional maturity and depth for a real life relationship. You know, the avoidant man who subsconiously does not want to settle down, and finds faults with his partners, and he doesn't even realise what his problem is.

We are going away for a short weekend break soon. This was all instigated by me, which was a shame - I thought he would get excited by the planning and get into it with me. You know, our first trip together.

The more I type, the more I realise it sounds like he's just not into me. There are positives of course, especially in the last 2-3 weeks, he has become a lot more affectionate and playful, and there seems to be a bit of a spark back in the relationship, and he agrees we should spend more time together during the week.

I thought after our trip, I would bring up very gently and nicely, where things are going for us - we don't need to make a decision now, or get engaged in the next 6 months, but just to check in and see if we are still both wanting the same things long term. But I feel it's a shame I have to bring this up, I miss just knowing how strongly he felt for me, and how I didn’t need to doubt.

Not sure why I am typing - thoughts and support please?

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AttilaTheMeerkat · 26/07/2020 16:26

What do you get out of this relationship now?.

What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?. What sort of an example did your parents show you?

I hope you are not desperate enough to make this man your husband because he is not good relationship material at all. This really sounds like another dead end relationship here.

Re your comment:-
"the avoidant man who subconciously does not want to settle down, and finds faults with his partners, and he doesn't even realise what his problem is."

Think you've hit the nail on the head there yourself. Its not you, its him.

There are some red flags here re this man anyway not least of all his comments about your weight and comments re objectifying women. You have not to date met his family, you have crap sex with him, he made disparaging comments re his ex and he further wants you involved in the renovation of his house (note his house, a house in which you have no ownership of any sort in).

It matters not that he likely has an avoidant attachment style; the fact is that you're with him and you're unhappy in this relationship. He's behaving a bit better now but that's also because he can sense you are pulling away from him; he will revert back to being less playful and affectionate soon enough. That is more than enough reason to leave him and he is basically treating you now like he treated his ex partner; he will tell the next woman who comes into his life that you were overweight or some other guff too.