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Having feelings for two men

(48 Posts)
Chasinggold Sun 26-Jul-20 15:33:28

I know I am probably going to get a bit of a roasting but here goes...

So, I'm single, 36 and have 2dc from a previous relationship. About a year and a half ago I had a fling with a married man I worked with... it's been on and off since then ( nothing physical only messaging) but I have very strong feelings for him and the chemistry between us is incredibly intense. I have literally never felt anything like it. When our eyes meet across the office at work it's like fireworks and I know he feels it too. But he is a fair bit younger than me and as much as I would give anything to be with him I know just how much of a mess that reality would actually be.

So, in order to try and get over him I have been on a couple of dates with a man who I actually know from years ago. He is sooo lovely, the nicest most decent, honest and thoughtful man you could meet. He seems to be very interested in me and I would definitely like to see more of him, he is an attractive man and would like to explore where things could go as I feel he could make me happy.

But, I'm worried that my feelings for the man I work with won't actually go away and if he texts me, I won't be able to resist texting back and saying and thinking things that I shouldn't. I fear I will always have feelings for him which wouldn't be fair on the man I am seeing. How do I resist temptation when I have strong feelings? Is it possible? Maybe I shouldn't even try. I am just so confused!

OP’s posts: |
Mouseymousenomore Sun 26-Jul-20 15:41:08

@Chasinggold at the end of the day, the office guy is married. He hasn't left his wife in the year and a half you've been speaking so why waste your time on him?

You're worth more than being one in who knows how long a line of people he's doing this with. Even if it's only you, he only values you enough to talk to, not to actually commit to. I'm not going to roast you on the whole "his poor wife" thing, nobody knows what's going on behind closed doors, perhaps they're both extremely unhappy and doing he same thing, perhaps not. But, he's not got enough respect for either of you to make things official one way or the other.

If you like the guy from years ago give it a try, you never know what could happen, and if the office guy gets jealous he'll either do things properly or just sulk. Either way you don't have to entertain it.

Mouseymousenomore Sun 26-Jul-20 15:42:45

And if you think your not strong enough to resist, just think about the reality of it as you say. It would be messy. And who actually needs mess?

Dollyrocket Sun 26-Jul-20 15:51:24

How long have you been split from ex?

Why are you allowing yourself to have an affair with a married guy? Emotional or otherwise? You’re playing with massive fire and if you’re outed this could have grim repercussions.

Aren’t you worth more?

Can you change jobs to get away from the married guy at work?

Chasinggold Sun 26-Jul-20 16:03:23

I split with my ex before I got involved with the man I work with!

I know, I am worth more and the possible repercussions are awful... but it is actually very hard to break away from something when I have real feelings. And the fact I will have to regularly see him at work is a problem. Which is why I am really trying to move on and spend time with this other lovely man. I just don't want to do wrong by him right from the start!

And no, not an option to find a new job.

OP’s posts: |
perfumeistooexpensive Sun 26-Jul-20 16:07:06

It's a crush, a fantasy with the married man. Old friend could be your perfect man. Spend time with OF and if he's great for you, you'll find that feelings for the MM will fade. I'm speaking from experience here.

edwinbear Sun 26-Jul-20 16:09:09

Office guy doesn’t feel it though does he. He’s been messaging you for 18 months but not so much as kissed you? You’re seeing things that aren’t there.

Hiccupiscal Sun 26-Jul-20 16:13:19

Office man is MARRIED op.

Hes off limits totally. No matter how you feel. If he texts you, block and delete. Do not engage. Stop now. For gods sake, stop giving each other loving office eyes. He is not an option to you.

You continue to date, and hopefully fall in love with the decent, honest, lovely man you are seeing- and absolutely stop seeing married man as any kind of option.

This is a difficult thing op, only you are making it into a drama.

Again MARRIED MAN IS OFF LIMITS. Not an option. If it helps, view him for what he is a liar and a cheat.... who also has a WIFE.

You already know the answer, op. Stop being silly.

Hiccupiscal Sun 26-Jul-20 16:14:22

*isn't a difficult thing

Chasinggold Sun 26-Jul-20 16:15:19

Just to clarify it was physical with the married man at the start but I put a stop to it after a couple of months. But we started talking again and when we randomly met about 6 months ago he kissed me and couldn't keep his hands off me. But I think he struggles with guilt and we have only been messaging since. I know, it's totally fucked up!!

OP’s posts: |
Hiccupiscal Sun 26-Jul-20 16:33:16

Chasinggold

Just to clarify it was physical with the married man at the start but I put a stop to it after a couple of months. But we started talking again and when we randomly met about 6 months ago he kissed me and couldn't keep his hands off me. But I think he struggles with guilt and we have only been messaging since. I know, it's totally fucked up!!

Again op, block, delete, move on.

Youre giving it head space and causing a dillemma where there isn't one.

Ryah76 Sun 26-Jul-20 16:50:29

Stay away from married men. The pain isn’t worth it.

Chasinggold Sun 26-Jul-20 16:55:08

But the pain is already there with married man.And I have felt it pretty much from the start... there have been times when I have cried myself to sleep over him because of how I felt.
I know I have to break free from him, which is what I am trying so hard to do... I just hope I can.

OP’s posts: |
Dollyrocket Sun 26-Jul-20 17:29:33

Ask yourself how proud of yourself you’d feel if his wife finds out and outs you to everyone at work?

Fgs, stop playing with fire and have a word with yourself. Feelings or not, he is married. Just stop and block. He’s a lying cunt cheat and you’re enabling it.

Even if he left his wife. You would never trust him.

You need to move on. confused

JuanNil Sun 26-Jul-20 17:36:11

I mean, regardless of the advice and despite what you've said, your posts do give the strong underlying impression that you would jump at the chance to be with Mr. Married.

I think the fact that he's cheated on his wife already is vile, to be honest. He shouldn't stay with her regardless of if he pursues things with you. Or at the very least he should give her the opportunity to make that decision for himself. It doesn't sound like he lives either of you as much as he loves himself.

Why don't you just stop seeing Mr. Single? I appreciate that he ticks all the right boxes, but the feelings clearly aren't as deep for him as they are for Mr. M. And he also deserves more. He sounds like a truly lovely man that deserves a devoted partner. Lots of women, scorned or otherwise, would love to think they could meet a man like Mr. S, so maybe set him free? 🤷‍♀️

JuanNil Sun 26-Jul-20 17:45:46

*make the decision for herself, and loves either of you.

Chasinggold Sun 26-Jul-20 17:59:04

I've only been on two dates with mr single though and we haven't even kissed. So I would like to carry on seeing him to see if feelings really develop which I hope they do.

OP’s posts: |
Dery Sun 26-Jul-20 18:07:10

“Fgs, stop playing with fire and have a word with yourself. Feelings or not, he is married. Just stop and block. He’s a lying cunt cheat and you’re enabling it.”

This. Also the amazing chemistry is almost certainly partly caused by the illicit nature of the attraction which means there is a huge amount of thwarted longing and star-crossed-type yearning which is simply not there when someone is available to you, like this other man. That kind of longing will intensify the chemistry and the associated highs and lows can be addictive.

You might find it helpful to read ‘Women Who Love Too Much’ by Robin Norwood. Although it is primarily aimed at women in abusive relationships, she is very good on how addictive drama in relationships can be and how a healthy, respectful, loving relationship can seem almost dull at first.

JuanNil Sun 26-Jul-20 18:24:52

I would probably find a way for every woman to have their head turned slightly from people like Mr. S at the beginning stages of dating, if I could. As you say, he sounds perfect. Marriage material on paper. A lot of women would rush in at this stage because they don't have a Mr. M in their office to make them think twice. I'd say that's the only thing you really have going for you, here.

However, I really can't get over the circumstances of your attraction to Mr. M - when people get married, when women get married, it tends to be with a view to their happily ever after. This woman is living in absolute ignorance of what her so-called loving husband is doing. Who even knows if it's just with you? I don't want to be mean here, but men like him have an amazing way of making you feel like you're the apple of their eye. Probably telling you that his marriage was dead before he met you, blah blah. He could have his wife, you, woman from the gym, another woman from the office... honestly, people like him make me cringe.

Rayne30 Sun 26-Jul-20 18:27:43

OP the married man is a cheating fuck. Why do you fancy a cheat. How?

I mean , had you met someone new and he told you he had cheated on his ex wife, would you trust him?

This knobhead is no different

Howeverfar Sun 26-Jul-20 20:03:15

Really intense work crushes are almost never real outside the workplace in my experience. It's happened me a few times where I've had insane, heart thumping, mind bending, all consuming feelings for someone I work with who I entirely forgot the moment I went for a new job. In one instance we were together in the other instance we weren't (but kissed once). Go for the other guy, who is available.

Chasinggold Thu 30-Jul-20 20:45:22

Mr single is so lovely and he is very sweet and very keen on me!! But it's like all the niceness isn't exciting in a way... like it's too easy.

Married man is exciting, a bad boy who keeps me on my toes... one minute he'll be texting me, then the next he isn't. It's the highs and lows... it's like an addiction, an obsession I have with him. I get so worried he will just cut me off like he has done in the past even though so far he always comes back. He is all over the place... takes on too much, can't keep still. I am actually obsessed with him.... help!!!

OP’s posts: |
Aerial2020 Thu 30-Jul-20 20:51:30

It wouldn't be fair on the single guy??? Er, what about the wife he's been cheating on?

Jeeze. Get some therapy to work out why married man is even on your radar.

TwentyViginti Thu 30-Jul-20 20:52:34

Married man is exciting, a bad boy who keeps me on my toes

No, he's not. He's a common or garden cheating scumbag.

category12 Thu 30-Jul-20 20:55:57

You need to take control and block the married guy. Look for another job or just keep your distance and behave professionally at work.

You'll never get over it if you keep leaving it in his hands and let him keep playing you like a fiddle.

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