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Talk to me about swapping SAHP + breadwinner roles

(12 Posts)
Abracad Sun 26-Jul-20 15:10:44

We’re just about to do it and I can see loads of flash points.
Have you done it? What are the problems/ tips for making it work.

Have you swapped all of the associated roles - for example, when I was the SAHP I did all the cleaning, and if I wanted a cleaner, I paid for that from my own money. So should DH be doing all the cleaning now?

All insights welcome.

OP’s posts: |
category12 Sun 26-Jul-20 15:23:59

How are you managing money if there's yours and his?

Do you have similar standards when it comes to cleaning? I mean, to some people a bit of dust and vacuuming once a week is OK, to others that's a shitpit. Did he do absolutely nothing by way of housework when you were a SAHP?

How old are the children - how much time will they be spending in childcare? Would you see him taking them out all day as a jolly or as parenting?

KeyboardMash Sun 26-Jul-20 16:09:15

Well, the fact that you see it as 'your money' and 'his money' seems to be the most obvious flash point. I get that that's just how some people do it - but I can't see how that works if one of you is a SAHP!

FinallyHere Sun 26-Jul-20 16:14:05

* when I was the SAHP I did all the cleaning, and if I wanted a cleaner, I paid for that from my own money. So should DH be doing all the cleaning now?*

What do you think? Who would suggest that you should be the 'breadwinner' and do the cleaning ? If he had shared it while breadwinner, it might be fair to continue sharing.

MMmomDD Sun 26-Jul-20 16:20:41

Not sure why you are asking.
Do you think that the way it works should change depending on gender of breadwinner/SAHP?
It’s a strange setup but if it worked for you before - why change.

Angrymum22 Sun 26-Jul-20 17:12:45

I have always worked ( part time since having DC) I did more childcare but DH always shred care when not at work. We have always split household stuff. DH recently took early retirement so we have had a roll reversal for a couple of years.DC teenager so mainly taxi driver at present. I am very part time so we still share housework, but I have always been house chef.
DH has had some stick re being a kept man but he now shrugs it off. We are happy and it works. Which is what you should aim for OP. It may take a bit of adjustment. DH makes list for shopping, I find that it helps to make a list of jobs for him. Men don’t do the “working through the house multitasking “ thing. They complete one job then stop unless you ask them to do another. I empty the dryer and sort and put away, DH empties the dryer. I blame it on lack of early training.
Start with a new set of house rules mutually agreed at a planning meeting. It’s a bit like work for them. Having a clear plan helps stop niggling arguments.

nellyburt Sun 26-Jul-20 17:17:15

Will you earn the same/ more as your DP earns now. I assume you both have savings based on the cleaner comment. If so then all should just be a straight swap.

thethoughtfox Sun 26-Jul-20 17:34:22

If he is the primary caregiver, then he is entitled to stay in the house and likely to get full custody ( not sure it it still called that) if you split. Worth knowing that.

LannieDuck Sun 26-Jul-20 17:57:44

Have you swapped all of the associated roles

Of course - why wouldn't you?

If you both thought it was appropriate for the SAHP to do all the cleaning (or pay for it), then it continues to be appropriate regardless of which sex the SAHP is.

Abracad Mon 27-Jul-20 10:38:36

Thanks all. Some interesting reflections.

Just one comment @thethoughtfox - that is not accurate. I took legal advice before taking this step and you are wrong. I do not think offering an unqualified legal opinion on the internet and scaring people is a reasonable thing to do.

OP’s posts: |
CheshireChat Mon 27-Jul-20 12:52:39

Is it a case he'd like to be a SAHD because it's so easy and all you did was play with the kids? Ignoring everything else you used to do hmm?

thethoughtfox Mon 27-Jul-20 15:58:03

OP, I read this repeatedly on here so apologies if incorrect. Would be great it you could clarify it.

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