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Feeling sorry for DH's mistress

(65 Posts)
Corner1234 Sun 26-Jul-20 09:41:36

DH has gone and got himself a mistress - not in the sexual sense yet, I think, but in a kind of faux-romantic kind of way. He doesn't know that I know. I found out through a bit of digging, as my spidey-sense was alerted through seeing the way he is with her. Because I've been with him so long, and for a few years we did a bit of swinging, I can tell when he fancies someone. Anyway, a techie friend of mine gave me access to some communications between DH and OW and she sounds like she's fallen for him. I don't know her personally, but she sounds like a decent, middle-class woman, perhaps a bit naive, but certainly a caring type. Reading his messages to her, he sounds like a completely different person! He also sounds very caring, a family man, who does nice things, and seems to think he's found the passionate love of his life! Because of reading of this strange version of my husband, initially I thought that maybe he'd fallen for her too. But our sex life hasn't changed, and he's been hinting about getting back into swinging. Other than the messages, I can't see any evidence that he's in love with someone else, unless he's developed the ability to adopt two different personas.
I'm feeling kind of sorry for her, although I don't know her, because she doesn't appear to know what I consider to be the real person he is.
Oh, and for you caring guys who worry about me being in an abusive relationship - don't worry! I'm not a victim. I'm a fairly easy-going person... and I am making my own plans smile
Anyway, my question is - please say I'm not weird to feel a bit sorry for her and should I just forget about her?

OP’s posts: |
tiredanddangerous Sun 26-Jul-20 09:47:19

In your situation I don't think my first reaction would be to feel sorry for the mistress.

Ohshitx Sun 26-Jul-20 09:50:31

Does she know he’s married?

Veiaola Sun 26-Jul-20 09:50:59

He is lying to you, that never bodes well in any relationship.

fuckinghellapeacock Sun 26-Jul-20 09:51:54

You live with a man who is lying to you and doesn’t care about you. Why?

Weenurse Sun 26-Jul-20 09:54:36

You sound very compassionate, do you think you need to tell her what he is actually like?
Good luck with your plans💐

Corner1234 Sun 26-Jul-20 09:55:43

Ohshitx

Does she know he’s married?

Good question! I presumed she knows. I mean, I am never mentioned, but I don't see how he could lie about that. She knows about our adult children.

OP’s posts: |
AnnaMagnani Sun 26-Jul-20 09:56:15

I don't think it's weird. He's clearly presented himself as some hard done by, my wife doesn't understand me, we never have sex anymore, we're just together for the children guy who is the perfect father and looking for romantic love again hmm

Not her fault it's not true. If you are planning to leave you could time when exactly you let her know that he was selling her a line.

yesterdaystotalsteps123 Sun 26-Jul-20 09:58:04

I feel sorry for my xh new gf because he will wear the family man mask to get what he wants. Your husband is behaving like an entitled man, lying and cheating to get his own way. And coercing you into swinging without disclosing what his real agenda is. I would focus on you and what you want to happen

Corner1234 Sun 26-Jul-20 09:59:23

fuckinghellapeacock

You live with a man who is lying to you and doesn’t care about you. Why?

Well, I didn't know that he was lying to me and didn't care about me until a few months ago. I tend to take things at face value and trust people. It is obviously a shock to realise that your husband is such an good liar.
After a long time together, there is a lot of unravelling to do in our relationship and there are other people to consider. I am not intending to stay with him x

OP’s posts: |
BigSandyBalls2015 Sun 26-Jul-20 10:00:46

Sorry but all I can think is imagine finding out your parents are swingers shock

slipperywhensparticus Sun 26-Jul-20 10:01:30

I would email her letting her know he is married and making plans for swinging sessions with you his wife it will show her true character if she continues or not

PicsInRed Sun 26-Jul-20 10:04:44

she sounds like a decent, middle-class woman

Interesting post.
If she turns out to be working class, will you feel less sorry for her?

TwentyViginti Sun 26-Jul-20 10:06:31

slipperywhensparticus I like your idea!

Bitchinkitchen Sun 26-Jul-20 10:08:45

BigSandyBalls2015

Sorry but all I can think is imagine finding out your parents are swingers shock

Shock horror, adults have sex lives!

Corner1234 Sun 26-Jul-20 10:08:49

Weenurse

You sound very compassionate, do you think you need to tell her what he is actually like?
Good luck with your plans💐

I mean, I don't think she's my responsibility, so I don't need to tell her what he is actually like. And it's not like I feel I am in competition with her as, if he left me for her, he'd be doing me a favour anyway. I just have this nagging sense that I wouldn't want her to ruin her life only to end up a few years down the line in the same position I'm in. I know that she's married to a nice man and they have a child. She doesn't strike me as being into swinging. But I also have the underlying feeling that she wouldn't believe anything I said anyway, so best to just leave her to it.

OP’s posts: |
ColumboOnTheCase Sun 26-Jul-20 10:14:10

I know that she's married to a nice man and they have a child.

I’d leave her to it, she deserves to find out the hard way.

Bitchinkitchen Sun 26-Jul-20 10:15:42

@Corner1234 I'd be feeling sorry for the nice man she's married to, if i were you.

Corner1234 Sun 26-Jul-20 10:15:59

PicsInRed

*she sounds like a decent, middle-class woman*

Interesting post.
If she turns out to be working class, will you feel less sorry for her?

No, and that's not what I meant at all. It was poorly-worded on my part and I apologise for that. I was trying to convey the sense of who she is. Kind of get the sense of her having over-protective, privileged parents, that kind of thing. However, I am duly reprimanded and will take more note of how I convey things in future. smile

OP’s posts: |
Jeremyironsnothing Sun 26-Jul-20 10:16:50

She's lying to her husband. He's lying to you.

They deserve each other. I wouldn't feel sorry for either of them.

Corner1234 Sun 26-Jul-20 10:18:05

Bitchinkitchen

*@Corner1234* I'd be feeling sorry for the nice man she's married to, if i were you.

Umm, yeah, poor guy.

OP’s posts: |
formerbabe Sun 26-Jul-20 10:18:39

I can't get past the middle class bit of your post

As if the fact she's middle class makes the situation better or makes her a better person for doing what she's doing.

Are working class women more immoral?

Tlollj Sun 26-Jul-20 10:21:17

Trouble is if you tell her it might all blow up and come to nothing.
Don’t tell her then he might fuck off of his own accord.

JeSuisPoulet Sun 26-Jul-20 10:21:17

I get it OP. I still feel sorry for the woman exDP ended up with. One of his exploites that affected her badly ended up in the paper. I do also think she had a fair few warnings though - she came to Court when he was trying to convince a Judge that he shouldn't have to pay maintenance and knows he hasn't seen his only child since she was 6mo. I do think she was sold a story I was a nutter and he was a poor misguided soul though, not that she had to fall for it.

If she knows he is married and he hasn't pretended you know, she is not the kind-hearted soul you think she is.

areyoubeingserviced Sun 26-Jul-20 10:22:14

Just leave her to it. She will have to find out the hard way.
Just take care of you

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