Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.
This is a Premium feature
How to dump him(23 Posts)
I'm with my partner for 3 and half years. He proposed 2 years ago. Since then our relationship turned sexless. Certainly not from my side. He's just not interested in sex. I think he might have a death grip. Sex with him was always unfilling for me with him because he had so much love for his hand.
He's a good guy but our sex life is gone. It's dead. It been 18 months since we last had sex. I talked to him last summer about the dry spell a d nothing changed.
Not only is there a death grip, I do think there might be some health problems with him. There's a few things making me believe this. Hes overweight. He's not interested in gym or working out. Diabetes runs in his family. His breathing at nighttime is awful and his snoring is bad and loud so I think there might be a few health issues there. Also he doesn't brush his teeth before bed. So that's another issue for me. Or that was the case when we were sleeping together. We don't live together and the lockdown was good for me and he was banned from coming over nd sleeping with me. He used to stay over twice a week with me. Not once in 18 months did we have sex together. God, it was awful. I encouraged him to go to the doctor a few times but he won't listen to me. So to think there's ED problems with him (either through death grip or health problems) and he doesn't care to help himself. He doesn't care of we share a sex life together. I encouraged him to go to the dentist too but he's not listening to me. He's not looking after his health. It's huge turn off for me. So theres a combination of things that's wrong with this relationship and with this man. I thought about this so much over the weekend. There's no fixing this relationship. Not any more. I definitely want to call it a day. I am absolutely dreading the dumping talk but I will have to do it.
Why not just be pleasant about it?
Sorry this isn’t what I imagined for my future. I can’t see the relationship going any further.
Wish him luck.
No need to to point out the obvious.
Tell him the relationship is not for you.
Lucky escape I would say.
Don't dread it look forward to it being over and moving on
I’d just say you feel like you want different things in life which means that you are not compatible, that you both deserve happiness and you don’t think you can be happy together and wish him well
Can I also say good on you for coming to this realisation and making this decision.
Just let him know gently that over the lockdown period that you have felt that our lives are going in separate ways and you wish to quietly move on with your life. Wish him well. He may take it badly as at the back of his head he knows he has a problem and he knows he hasn't stepped up to fix it. He may come back at you that he will change and get help and everything will be ok. Thats the difficult part of separating. But, you must move on now. A sexless relationship for the rest of your life is not for you. Good luck.
Good luck. Seems like the right decision.
Are you anticipating difficulties with ending it? Have you tried before?
Don't feel you have to give him more chances, you don't owe him a relationship.
The past 18 months has been completely sexless between us and I can't do this anymore. We had stay overs in hotels and we had holidays last summer - nothing, no sex. He turned around in the bed many mornings. I wore stockings and suspenders and even wore them to bed some times, he never reacted to them.
It was all one sided. Me giving him blow jobs and for nothing. I stopped expecting sex last autumn after my birthday because nothing happened then either. That was that. No action since then. The lockdown further hammered the nail into the dead bedroom.
He got a ring on my finger and that was that with our sex life. It went down to about once every 2/3 months in the first 6 months, then nothing since then.
Im far from a bridezilla with demands for a wedding so there's f all stress there so that can't be a reason. In fact we don't have any plans or a date set.
I'm not really sure why you've let it go on as far as you have. There's clearly zero relationship of any kind there.
Just tell him that it really isn't going anywhere and you'll both be happier going your separate ways.
No need to give reasons unless he asks. Unless he is delusional then he will be able to figure it out pretty quickly.
Suggest that you have the conversation in a public place so that he can leave quickly if he wants to, and so you can get away safely and quickly if he kicks off.
It sounds a little as though he thinks that this is all he needs to do - propose, and he's got you secured.
It's just an engagement and this is no longer the 1700s. It's not a legally binding contract. You don't even live together, so there's no untangling to do.
Sit him down in a public place and just say 'look. This relationship has run its course for both of us, and I think we will be happier apart. It's been lovely knowing you but a clean break would be best. Good luck in your future.'
And then look forward to meeting someone better for you. I don't know how you've stuck it this long, to be honest.
I get more enjoyment and fulfillment taking my knitting to bed.
I agree with meeting him in public.
If he presses for reasons, I would just say "you don't take care of your health and hygiene and you have no interest in sex. I want a partner who does."
He then may go on "but I can chaaaaange, I promise" - at which point I'd reply "you've had 18 months to change and you haven't. I've lost respect for you as a result. There's no coming back from that."
I'm quite confrontational though so understandable if you want to just keep it bland. "This relationship just isn't meeting my needs. All the best for the future."
OP, you don't need a reason. Give him the ring back and say you changed your mind. You do not need to explain anything to him.
You don't have to do it face to face if you don't want to. A phone call or, if your primary way of communicating is through messaging or whatnot, that would be fine too. Personally I would rather not be dragged out to a public place in order to be dumped.
I think 18 months of nothing is enough time for you to call time.
I would recommend not getting into details because he will make promises he has no intention of keeping and you’ll be in the same place this time next year.
He can't maintain an erection long enough for anything beyond his own hand.
I've been forging illness all weekend because I don't want to meet up with him or see him.
Just tell him it's over. Get it done. What is holding you back?
God, I'm just after reading back on a lot of his messages and they nearly all start with lovey dovey stuff like
'good morning beautiful'
'good night to you sexy'
And loads more other similar stuff.
All the love he has claimed he had for me, never once manifested physically for me over the past 18 months. We did some hand holding when we met up and some kisses but nothing deep and that was it.
If you don't live together, should be pretty quick, surely? Or have you got loads of your stuff at his place? If so, maybe go and pick that up before you tell him.
No need to say any more than "The spark has gone, sorry, all the best for the future". You don't need to give reasons or tell him off for not being able to get an erection.
If he asks for reasons, I'd just say "I'm not interested any more". He can't argue with that. If you start going on about what he does and does not do, he would be able to claim that you are wrong or tht he is going to change. Telling him that kind of thing just leaves him room to argue with you.
You can end a relationship for any or no reason , you want to that's enough.
You don't need to justify it and it will be easier if you don't .
You just need to tell him the relationship isn't working. The lack of sex and affection, the lack of physical attraction, poor dental hygiene, is just not for you.
You will get all the 'it will change', I will do better' and so on, but you then say, I'm sorry I don't love you any more, here is your ring.
He has had closure and something to think about going forward. You have been honest
Please login first.