This is my first post. I'm just looking for some opinions and/or advice maybe from someone in a similar position or who has been through it. Long story but I'll try to keep it short. please be kind but honest; I know I'm far from perfect.
I've been married to my husband for 15 years and we have 2 boys, 11 and 8. I am 40 he is 53 neither of us were married before. Every happy occasion has been spoiled by him. When I told him I was pregnant (planned and he begged for months to start trying) he said "how did that happen? who's is it?" trying to be funny but all I wanted was for him to throw his arms around me and be happy. He took some persuasion to have a second child and when I was in waiting for my C section he said "I still think this is the wrong thing to do, that's two bikes to buy at christmas!" I was so nervous and he just said so many women do it, why did I have to worry. He refused to get a vasectomy because “soon” I wouldn’t be able to have kids anyway (I was 32!) and he didn’t want to get it done despite me being told I had to come off the pill due to migraines. He literally does nothing for or with the boys, takes them nowhere. Called my eldest a thicko and when he asked him for a kiss and cuddle he told him "you don't go about kissing boys you'll get the jail for that!" my son was so upset and embarrassed. He's said to me my friends only invite me to things because they know I don't drink and I'll give them a lift home. He will not go to shops even for one thing I need in the middle of cooking something. No exaggeration- he NEVER laughs and when I do he makes me feel silly fir it. Before he retired from the police 18 months ago, he lay in his bed constantly. He does no cooking or cleaning other than the odd occasion he'll mop the floor and does a bit of ironing and tells me he's done MY ironing. I had horrendous tonsillitis at christmas time he refused to buy me ice cream (my dad ended up going for it) and when I said I hadn't eaten for 3 days he told me it won't do me any harm (despite the fact I've recently lost 2.5 stone I'm not massively overweight but I accept I am overweight) All these things he tells me are jokes but l don’t find them funny l find them patronising and hurtful. He argues constantly with my eldest and won't accept the fact myself, the school and the Doctor think he has ADHD/aspergers and gives no support on this telling me I've put the idea in his head. He has always refused to come to any meetings regarding this.
On a separate note, last year we were struggling financially and I tried to tell him this but he said it was my fault. He was obsessed with paying extra into the mortgage and wanted me to continue doing so, so I did and I struggled so I started taking loans and credit cards without his knowledge which amounted to £38K. I hate myself for this and will never get over the shame and I had genuinely buried my head in the sand and didn't realise quite how much. I believed I could sort it but in reality I was getting in deeper. He found out about it and understandably went crazy. He accused me of saving it up and hiding it to leave him. I told him the money had gone on bills etc but I was unhappy and had been considering leaving. We were going to split and my boys were so upset despite often saying things like they don't like him, wish he wasn't their dad, my eldest saying his dad is no fun and stresses him out, so much so he was recently lying on the kitchen floor crying hysterically saying “please make my dad leave me alone please!” He ended up asking me to stay said things would change so I did but after that every penny I spent was questioned, I constantly had the debt thrown in my face and reminded how it was my fault we were struggling etc. I work part time 3 days a week since having my eldest which was suggested by him and I suggested recently he get a part time job but his answer was why don’t I go full time which actually isn’t an option in my work at present. Said why should he when he brings in a monthly pension. He gets this paid into his own bank account which I have no access to though be has access to all mine, credit card, store card etc. I just feel it’s selfish of him to expect me to work full time when he literally does nothing in the house! I should point out that all debt is now cleared bar £2.5k on a credit card.
When he complained we never have sex (sorry if tmi!) I told him a month or so ago I’m unhappy and I don’t love him like a husband probably more like a brother and am uncomfortable having sex with him - to be totally honest the thought makes my skin crawl. Again he talked me into staying and promised me the earth but nothing has changed other than he follows me round the house asking for a kiss and a cuddle!! He’s actually suffocating me!
Recently l spoke to a lawyer to find out where l stood financially etc and she told me that because the house is owned outright l am actually entitled to way more than half because l’ll have the boys and l worked part time for all these years when l could potentially have earned a lot more and allowed him to work all these shifts etc. She said l could bargain with saying if he accepts a much smaller amount to buy him out the house then l won’t touch his pension (from which I could claim a large amount) The lawyer said l could actually set myself up nicely and reassured me that l can manage on my own but the thing is l feel SO guilty - so guilty that l don’t know if l can bring myself to do it to him. He’s not a bad man, just very lazy and selfish and if i’m honest a shit dad. I will feel so bad if l make him leave his home and lose a fortune and at 53 start over with a mortgage and he would probably have to get a job. He probably won’t pay me maintenance, we discussed a girl from my work who’s ex refused to give her money because he said she got tax credits so why should he and my husband said he agreed with that!
My boys, particularly my eldest took it so badly last year, begged me and his dad to stay together and cried for days and it will kill me to put them through it again. I’m hoping it’s possible to keep the house purely because l think it will be much less traumatic for them if l don’t have to uproot them from a home and street they love.
So much for keeping this short and thank you to anyone who has actually read all the way through without falling asleep! I just feel desperate and I want someone to tell me what to do but I know I am the only one who can decide but any advise or information or even empathy would be very welcome! xx
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Relationships
Desperately need advice in unhappy marriage
14 replies
Glittergirl80 · 26/07/2020 00:02
OP posts:
chipsandgin ·
26/07/2020 00:33
Please leave, he sounds awful and is making you so miserable (not to mention he’s clearly lazy, selfish, entitled and controlling..). Life is too short to put up with that shit - you only get one shot at this. Plus, yes, the kids will adapt and no doubt be happier in the long run. Good luck 
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