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Desperately need advice in unhappy marriage

(15 Posts)
Glittergirl80 Sun 26-Jul-20 00:02:28

This is my first post. I'm just looking for some opinions and/or advice maybe from someone in a similar position or who has been through it. Long story but I'll try to keep it short. please be kind but honest; I know I'm far from perfect.

I've been married to my husband for 15 years and we have 2 boys, 11 and 8. I am 40 he is 53 neither of us were married before. Every happy occasion has been spoiled by him. When I told him I was pregnant (planned and he begged for months to start trying) he said "how did that happen? who's is it?" trying to be funny but all I wanted was for him to throw his arms around me and be happy. He took some persuasion to have a second child and when I was in waiting for my C section he said "I still think this is the wrong thing to do, that's two bikes to buy at christmas!" I was so nervous and he just said so many women do it, why did I have to worry. He refused to get a vasectomy because “soon” I wouldn’t be able to have kids anyway (I was 32!) and he didn’t want to get it done despite me being told I had to come off the pill due to migraines. He literally does nothing for or with the boys, takes them nowhere. Called my eldest a thicko and when he asked him for a kiss and cuddle he told him "you don't go about kissing boys you'll get the jail for that!" my son was so upset and embarrassed. He's said to me my friends only invite me to things because they know I don't drink and I'll give them a lift home. He will not go to shops even for one thing I need in the middle of cooking something. No exaggeration- he NEVER laughs and when I do he makes me feel silly fir it. Before he retired from the police 18 months ago, he lay in his bed constantly. He does no cooking or cleaning other than the odd occasion he'll mop the floor and does a bit of ironing and tells me he's done MY ironing. I had horrendous tonsillitis at christmas time he refused to buy me ice cream (my dad ended up going for it) and when I said I hadn't eaten for 3 days he told me it won't do me any harm (despite the fact I've recently lost 2.5 stone I'm not massively overweight but I accept I am overweight) All these things he tells me are jokes but l don’t find them funny l find them patronising and hurtful. He argues constantly with my eldest and won't accept the fact myself, the school and the Doctor think he has ADHD/aspergers and gives no support on this telling me I've put the idea in his head. He has always refused to come to any meetings regarding this.

On a separate note, last year we were struggling financially and I tried to tell him this but he said it was my fault. He was obsessed with paying extra into the mortgage and wanted me to continue doing so, so I did and I struggled so I started taking loans and credit cards without his knowledge which amounted to £38K. I hate myself for this and will never get over the shame and I had genuinely buried my head in the sand and didn't realise quite how much. I believed I could sort it but in reality I was getting in deeper. He found out about it and understandably went crazy. He accused me of saving it up and hiding it to leave him. I told him the money had gone on bills etc but I was unhappy and had been considering leaving. We were going to split and my boys were so upset despite often saying things like they don't like him, wish he wasn't their dad, my eldest saying his dad is no fun and stresses him out, so much so he was recently lying on the kitchen floor crying hysterically saying “please make my dad leave me alone please!” He ended up asking me to stay said things would change so I did but after that every penny I spent was questioned, I constantly had the debt thrown in my face and reminded how it was my fault we were struggling etc. I work part time 3 days a week since having my eldest which was suggested by him and I suggested recently he get a part time job but his answer was why don’t I go full time which actually isn’t an option in my work at present. Said why should he when he brings in a monthly pension. He gets this paid into his own bank account which I have no access to though be has access to all mine, credit card, store card etc. I just feel it’s selfish of him to expect me to work full time when he literally does nothing in the house! I should point out that all debt is now cleared bar £2.5k on a credit card.

When he complained we never have sex (sorry if tmi!) I told him a month or so ago I’m unhappy and I don’t love him like a husband probably more like a brother and am uncomfortable having sex with him - to be totally honest the thought makes my skin crawl. Again he talked me into staying and promised me the earth but nothing has changed other than he follows me round the house asking for a kiss and a cuddle!! He’s actually suffocating me!

Recently l spoke to a lawyer to find out where l stood financially etc and she told me that because the house is owned outright l am actually entitled to way more than half because l’ll have the boys and l worked part time for all these years when l could potentially have earned a lot more and allowed him to work all these shifts etc. She said l could bargain with saying if he accepts a much smaller amount to buy him out the house then l won’t touch his pension (from which I could claim a large amount) The lawyer said l could actually set myself up nicely and reassured me that l can manage on my own but the thing is l feel SO guilty - so guilty that l don’t know if l can bring myself to do it to him. He’s not a bad man, just very lazy and selfish and if i’m honest a shit dad. I will feel so bad if l make him leave his home and lose a fortune and at 53 start over with a mortgage and he would probably have to get a job. He probably won’t pay me maintenance, we discussed a girl from my work who’s ex refused to give her money because he said she got tax credits so why should he and my husband said he agreed with that!

My boys, particularly my eldest took it so badly last year, begged me and his dad to stay together and cried for days and it will kill me to put them through it again. I’m hoping it’s possible to keep the house purely because l think it will be much less traumatic for them if l don’t have to uproot them from a home and street they love.

So much for keeping this short and thank you to anyone who has actually read all the way through without falling asleep! I just feel desperate and I want someone to tell me what to do but I know I am the only one who can decide but any advise or information or even empathy would be very welcome! xx

OP’s posts: |
Dragongirl10 Sun 26-Jul-20 00:12:58

He is HORRIBLE op, which ever way you look at it. Your Dc will adapt and be happier in time.

Please go that is not a life.

Glittergirl80 Sun 26-Jul-20 00:15:50

Sorry what's op? I'm new to this and struggle with the abbreviations lol. Do you really think my boys will adapt? xx

OP’s posts: |
BraverThanYouBel1eve Sun 26-Jul-20 00:18:11

OP = original poster, i.e. you.

Passtherioja Sun 26-Jul-20 00:21:48

@Glittergirl80 -I started to read your post and could see a great deal that reminded me of my marriage-behaviour, abuse, age difference ...and then you said that he's retired police. Although I'm sure there are some police officers in their 50s who are ok, I am yet to meet one! I have to say that it seems that your husband and my ex are kindred spirits. Please get out-the relief once you do it is amazing! Take your time, only do it if you know it's right but you will never look back.

One question though...is he CID? There is a very apt explanation of what those initials stand for!!

Please take care x

Glittergirl80 Sun 26-Jul-20 00:21:59

Ah thank u xx

OP’s posts: |
Glittergirl80 Sun 26-Jul-20 00:25:33

Passtherioja

*@Glittergirl80* -I started to read your post and could see a great deal that reminded me of my marriage-behaviour, abuse, age difference ...and then you said that he's retired police. Although I'm sure there are some police officers in their 50s who are ok, I am yet to meet one! I have to say that it seems that your husband and my ex are kindred spirits. Please get out-the relief once you do it is amazing! Take your time, only do it if you know it's right but you will never look back.

One question though...is he CID? There is a very apt explanation of what those initials stand for!!

Please take care x


He wasn't CID he was Community Police Sergeant which involved him sitting on his backside all day which he seems to think is ok at home too! I do believe it's right; I just worry for my boys! I assume ur ex was a cop too? I keep thinking l will feel relieved if he goes xx

OP’s posts: |
FortunesFave Sun 26-Jul-20 00:26:50

He sounds awful but OP you MUST take some responsibility for making him have children when he quite patently didn't want to.

Begging and persuading a man to have children is quite frankly not a good idea.

You definitely should leave him. His comments to your son are incredibly horrible.

7996cath Sun 26-Jul-20 00:29:18

Wow, you’re clearly not happy in this relationship. All I can say is that you deserve love and respect and that staying together for the sake of your boys isn’t necessarily the kindest thing for them if the relationship is as bad as you say.

Passtherioja Sun 26-Jul-20 00:31:23

I'm not a fan of the c word...in fact I avoid it at all costs...except CID=C in disguise. I'm sure we can come up with one for the community police Sergeant.

I "invited mine to leave" over his involvement with a PCSO- my children were 1&4 when they started. I'd had years of abuse-I thanked her for taking him off my hands and felt nothing but relief. He won't change and in a divorce his biggest concern will be his pension!

Glittergirl80 Sun 26-Jul-20 00:31:58

FortunesFave

He sounds awful but OP you MUST take some responsibility for making him have children when he quite patently didn't want to.

Begging and persuading a man to have children is quite frankly not a good idea.

You definitely should leave him. His comments to your son are incredibly horrible.


Sorry l perhaps worded that wrongly- it was him who begged and pleaded with me to have our first son; l actually didn't feel ready but l knew how much it meant to him so agreed not to wait any longer then as DS1 grew l didn't want him to be an only child so husband did eventually agree

OP’s posts: |
BraverThanYouBel1eve Sun 26-Jul-20 00:33:06

You're feeling guilt because you have been conditioned to feel that you are responsible for his happiness. You need support of others to get you out of this mental state and to help you to believe that it is not your fault and not your responsibility that he's not happy. You may have made mistakes, who hasn't, but making mistakes is not an invitation for abuse. If you contributed to an unhealthy relationship then so be it, it's still not a reason to continue everyone's unnecessary suffering. You're making the right choice.

Leaving is very hard, but with support from others you can do it, and the hard bit is only temporary. Think about a few trusted friends to talk to, lawyer is helpful as you already know, police can help. Call Women's Aid - they are really good with this sort of stuff, they'll give you more strength and more clarity. Look after yourself so that you can stay strong - exercise, sleep, eat well.

£38K is a lot - very impressive that you have almost cleared it, it shows your strength, you're nearly there.

When you're ready, prepare yourself for a year of shit, and just get through it.

May your choices reflect your hopes, not your fears. -Nelson Mandela.

chipsandgin Sun 26-Jul-20 00:33:43

Please leave, he sounds awful and is making you so miserable (not to mention he’s clearly lazy, selfish, entitled and controlling..). Life is too short to put up with that shit - you only get one shot at this. Plus, yes, the kids will adapt and no doubt be happier in the long run. Good luck flowers

Weenurse Sun 26-Jul-20 00:34:15

Get s list together on what you need to do to get him gone.
Work through the list.
DC will adapt, may need some counseling to get there
He does nothing, so life will be much easier once he is gone.
Only concern I would have is would he expect to have DC 50% of the time?
I would worry about DC in that case.

Fatted Sun 26-Jul-20 00:38:07

Yup, I read retired police officer and thought exactly the same thing as Glittergirl80. Absolutely entitled arseholes.

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