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Any advice about leaving my partner

(14 Posts)
startinganew Sat 25-Jul-20 23:37:10

Long story short, I've decided enoughs enough with my relationship and I desperately need to leave. I have had enough of his bullying, insults and abuse.
I have 2 children (1 of them is from a previous relationship and my youngest is my partners)
I think tonight after another row I've finally seen the light, I've put up with so much for so long and I've tried my best but I don't deserve this.
Our house is private rented and I've decided it's best for me to be the one to leave (he's very difficult, has said on more than one occasion he won't leave and it's got to be me and the kids to go). We are in a fixed let agreement for another 6 months, I have found out he would have to agree to the house being signed over to just his name which I don't think he will do and I also want to keep it quiet that I'm leaving or all hell will break loose and I don't think I would have any belongings left in the house if he knew and he would do something.
I think I'm going to have to speak to the local council housing to try to get somewhere and just bide my time. I've realised I've got to remain silent and not tell him my plans.
The main issue I have is that I work and I've always worked, but my shifts now wouldn't be possible if I was a single mum. My family all work so no one could have my son and nursery wouldn't fit the hours of my shifts at the minute (dad picks up after work while I'm still working) so I would have no choice but to give up work. I've just worked out on the universal credit calculator what I would get (which is less if I don't work than if I do)
But would I be entitled to universal credit if I gave my job up voluntarily? I would be looking for another job with more suitable hours in the mean time, I don't want to be unemployed as i never have before.

I'm so scared how this is going to turn out. I also want to move where he doesn't know where I will be. My son will see him but I wouldn't want him to pick him up from my house. He is very much the type that would do something to my house or my car etc, no matter how it would affect his child.
Nothing that's gone on between us has ever been reported to the police, although with a lot of things I could've done. So I have no police record of anything he has done. I don't know how to go about this is anyone has any advice please

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startinganew Sat 25-Jul-20 23:39:57

Just to add, I don't feel, and aren't in, any danger and do have time to work out my plans properly. I just don't know where to start

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tobedtoMNandfart Sat 25-Jul-20 23:54:39

No practical advice but you sound strong & capable. Good luck!

tobedtoMNandfart Sat 25-Jul-20 23:55:40

Women's Aid

And many more posters will be along soon.

startinganew Sun 26-Jul-20 08:14:49

@tobedtoMNandfart thankyou

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category12 Sun 26-Jul-20 08:29:44

Shelter would be able to advise you on your housing options - they have an online chat as well as phone lines.

Could your family help you financially at all with a rent deposit or by being guarantor?

It sounds like he is a threat to you if you don't want him to know where you will live out of fear of what he will do? Perhaps a good option would be to see if a refuge could take you?

I would document all the incidents where you could have called the police but didn't, even if you don't have proof as such, it'll potentially help you practically and also shore up your resolve to leave.

startinganew Sun 26-Jul-20 08:44:08

@category12 thankyou I will go onto their site. Being in a refuge absolutely terrifies me with my kids, but I think I would be able to get help from family

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SteelyPanther Sun 26-Jul-20 09:02:21

Would your first child’s father help you ?

SteelyPanther Sun 26-Jul-20 09:03:11

Do you have a joint account ?

BPSCSS Sun 26-Jul-20 09:03:13

Okay speak to women's aid or 111 first. There are a couple of options for staying in your house. I did although that is partly because he attacked and ran when I called the police so I was covered by bail.
You could consider getting an ex-parte (no notice) non molestation order. This is a civil injunction that means if he harasses you in any way, he risks 5 years in prison, the only place in the house this gives you rights to not let him in is the master bedroom. I get the impression that counts tend to issues these fairly readily. This can be followed by an occupancy order once a second hearing is set, giving you sole access too the house. I got support from NCDV www.ncdv.org.uk/ to write mine. But please talk this through with 111 or women's aid because with him still in the house you need to think about a safety plan. Mine hadn't been able to 'manage his anger' for 20+ years as if by magic was able to with the threat of a five year sentence.
In terms of your job, most employers have policies for domestic violence. My line manager was amazing, I got whatever reasonable adjustments I wanted, which included using flexi within the bounds of what is possible in my role. There was also the options of pay advances, transfers and a workplace safety plan.
Channel 5 did a brilliant programme on How to leave an abusive relationship in lockdown which is still available on catch up.
Good luck and remember the Maya Angelou quote;
When someone shows you who they are believe them; the first time. I wish I had!

WriteHon Sun 26-Jul-20 09:34:21

Police non-emergency number is 101.

(111 is for medical non-emergencies)

caringcarer Sun 26-Jul-20 10:06:57

Good luck and don't be afraid to accept help with child care or finances from family if you need it.

startinganew Sun 26-Jul-20 15:04:42

Thankyou all.
To be honest there's a chance I think the longer I'm in the house the worst it will get worse so I need to get onto all of this tomorrow morning. Never felt so bad and it's making me ill. I'm not scared to be on my own though after what I've been through the last few years.

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startinganew Sun 26-Jul-20 15:25:27

@SteelyPanther
He's with someone so I don't think I would ask. We do have a joint account but it's not really used. The bills are in my name and come out of my personal account thats only in my name

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