Family relationships

[damnthisvirusandmarriage]

So I’ve not spoken to my sister for nearly 4 years after a falling out.

I think my mum sides with her. I’ve always accepted the blame until I got married (that’s another story) and husband helped me see that I was the scapegoat.

My mum also tells the extended family stuff about me I guess. And they then favour my sister too. I get excluded. She’s is the preferential sister. Mum and her holiday together. Shop together. Always have. For years. She gets money. Help when things break (cars, home stuff).

I’m learning more about relationships and my sister defo has narcissistic tendencies. I’m wondering if my mum does too following a period of her ignoring me because I lost my shit when our dog almost got run over.

Having said that, I’ve stopped contact with many friends I shared with my sister. And since, they seem hell bent on lifting her pedestal.

So, maybe it’s me. Maybe I’m awful. I don’t have any real friends. I’m weird I think. TBH wonder if I’m on the spectrum. Maybe I’m a narcissist?

I’m really struggling with these thoughts for many years.

Going to speak to my counsellor about it...

[BoggledBudgie]

That sounds really rough, I’m sorry. I don’t have any useful advice but counselling can really help

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

It’s not you, it’s them.

People from dysfunctional families end up playing roles.
You are not on the spectrum nor weird but are still very much the scapegoat for your family’s inherent ills. You are also not a narcissist, that is your mother and your sister is the golden child. That is a role not without price either but she is unaware of this.

How good is your counsellor?. You ideally need to find someone who is well versed in the ways of narcissistic family structures and has NO familial bias about keeping families together despite the presence of mistreatment. I would also suggest that you look at and post on the current well we took you to Stately homes thread on these pages and read the website called Daughters of narcissistic mothers. You may also want to look at the Out of the FOG website too.

[damnthisvirusandmarriage]

God. I could cry at relief reading that. How do I know I’m not awful though? When faced with adverse family situations, when I’m pushed I react. Then I’m blamed for years for causing drama, ruining the day etc. This has happened my whole life. I have no idea what they say about me. But it must be horrendous because it happens so much with so many people. Except for people who don’t know the dynamics I guess.

My husbands family are the same too. We are separated due to his Abusive nature. I feel like I really need him right now though 😔

I’ll look into the reading you suggest for sure. Thank you x

[Alfiemoon1]

Op I have come on to write the exact same thing. My dm has favoured my sister for the last few years dsi is also bossy controlling and a financial disaster dm constantly bailing her out and I wonder what I have done wrong and think it must be me - it’s not I have reduced my contact with them for my own mental health

It’s not you but I would definitely speak about it in your counselling session

[Ripley1977]

I have the same problem too...they have a way of making you feel their behaviour is your fault, it's an awful feeling! Now I'm older I still get a niggle when my mum gushes about my sister and her partner but its alot better, I'm glad I'm out of the cycle of pissing my sister off when we saw each other (no idea why, I just bugged her I think) and feeling like I'm constantly trying to make things up to her. Think it's best to just limit time with your mum and focus on positive relationships on your life, it doesnt sound like your ex would be a good idea but do understand you're probably feeling lonely and vulnerable atm. Best of luck to you, let us know how you get on, take care.

[autumnalrain]

Not sure why the comments aren't being diplomatic. There’s two sides to every story, and tbh your side is very vague. You must at least be partially to blame if everyone sides with her?

Also, just because someone cuts contact with you, it doesn’t mean they’re narcissistic. People throw that diagnosis around too liberally nowadays.