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Water-torturer husband stories

(93 Posts)
Chuckyleg Sat 25-Jul-20 14:45:58

Share your water-torturer stories?

I end up feeling pathetic after I've got angry or upset with DH for his little wind-up behaviours. I recently came across this term and I'm sure this is how DH is behaving.

This morning, I put the kettle on, only for him to come up behind me 10 seconds later to switch the kettle on too. The blue light had come on and it had started to make a low noise after I pressed it.

I said to DH "Dont worry, I've already pressed it."
He says "you hadn't" with an ear-to-ear silly grin on his face.
I say "no I had the light had come on."
He starts laughing loudly and saying "nope. You hadn't" repeating himself over and over. I know I should let it go, but I start feeling angry that he's making out I'm senile when I know for a fact that I'd switched it on.

I ended up reacting very emotionally and feel ridiculous, particularly when he then pipes down and says "ok, ok it's only a kettle."

I want to punch him when he's sporting that stupid smug grin on his face.

OP’s posts: |
TheTempest Sat 25-Jul-20 14:47:16

He sounds like an arsehole, who takes pleasure in telling you you’re wrong. What’s the rest of your relationship like?

iklboo Sat 25-Jul-20 14:47:34

Gaslighting. Does he do anything else to make you question yourself / memory?

Greenkit Sat 25-Jul-20 14:48:19

Argh my ex did this, constant gaslighting and low level manipulation, just enough so you question yourself.

Dick and now hes an ex

TheTempest Sat 25-Jul-20 14:48:49

My DH doesn’t do this. My ex used to though, he’d wash up and say I hadn’t done it, or take my things and say I hadn’t put them there or whatever. He was an abusive arsehole in other ways as well though tbf.

SoulofanAggron Sat 25-Jul-20 14:49:14

@Chuckyleg He sounds beyond irritating. So, what's your escape plan?

Chuckyleg Sat 25-Jul-20 14:53:39

He is very competitive in day-to-day life. He takes great pleasure in the whole "you're wrong and I'm right" situations.

He calls it banter. I call it exhausting.

OP’s posts: |
slipperywhensparticus Sat 25-Jul-20 14:56:05

Why are you with him?

I used to make my ex a coffee and he would ignore it and make himself one claiming it was cold already

Weetabixandcrumpets Sat 25-Jul-20 14:56:10

Yes, that sort of thing drives me nuts and reminds me of the sort of thing siblings do to each other when they want a reaction.
Have you tried completely ignoring him and leaving the room. When he sees his childish games aren't working he might stop being such a knob.
(If not, then you have bigger problems)

Gatehouse77 Sat 25-Jul-20 14:57:44

Hmm, that’s definitely not banter if you’re left feeling exhausted by it rather than uplifted by the humour.
On the face of it he seems unpleasant as he takes pleasure in winding you up to watch the affect.

Ceebeegee Sat 25-Jul-20 14:57:57

Gosh what a prat. Does he genuinely believe its funny? I fail to see the funny side, he's just being a twat.

ChaToilLeam Sat 25-Jul-20 14:59:34

It’s not banter, it’s gaslighting and it’s horrible. I remember how upsetting it was when an ex tried it out on me. Wasn’t with him long after that.

IJustWantSomeBees Sat 25-Jul-20 15:02:43


Bunnymumy Sat 25-Jul-20 15:21:08

So what's the escape plan? At best he is an exhausting wanker and at worst an emotional abuser. Surely you dont want to stay with the prat anymore (let alone raise kids with him?).

AttilaTheMeerkat Sat 25-Jul-20 15:38:18

What do you get out of this relationship now?.

Why are you still with him?. How can you be helped into leaving your abuser?.

That behaviour of his is gaslighting and it is an insidious and highly damaging form of pyschological abuse. Its designed to make you question your own reality.

Couchbettato Sat 25-Jul-20 15:43:06

This is gaslighting. It is abuse. He's justifying his abuse as banter too so you minimise it, and take no action against him.

Nicolastuffedone Sat 25-Jul-20 15:44:33

Wow! He sounds awful! That’s a pretty nasty way to treat you!

Iamuhtredsonofuhtred Sat 25-Jul-20 15:47:01

STBXH used to be so bad at communicating, he’d act like he is the sweetest person who never gets angry or falls out with anyone but is really just so passive aggressive; would do things like ‘forget’ to brush the kids teeth, wouldn’t put them in car seats, would leave them alone in the bath- make messes on purpose, leave parking fines unpaid- all as a way of getting back at me for having the audacity to care about any of these things and ask him not to do them. When I challenged him he’d call me psycho, roll his eyes etc. He’d do things like go faster on the motorway, over 100 miles an hour and act like I was mental for getting scared. I read Lundy Bancrofts book and really related to the water torturer description; I felt like the abuser in the relationship for a long time because I would yell and cry and he would always be calm. I told him yesterday I want a divorce. He also has a raging drug and alcohol problem. I have to keep reminding myself how bad it was with him because he’s going to make the divorce really difficult

thistimelastweek Sat 25-Jul-20 15:47:54

He sounds like an arse.
I am genuinely puzzled. Why would any grown-up behave like this? It's so far from funny or clever - why doesn't he know that?

Smallsteps88 Sat 25-Jul-20 15:52:21

Until you can leave. Just give him no reaction (the reaction/upset from you is what he wants) or say “ok dear” and smile if you feel you must respond. Don’t give him the argument he wants

So when he goes to switch the kettle on after you, do nothing, say nothing, he’s just wasting his own time isnt he? because the kettle will already be on. And it’s not affecting you in any way that he tried to switch on something you’ve already switched on. Don’t bite!

SmileyClare Sat 25-Jul-20 15:58:23

I thought water torture was using water to inflict psychological/physical harm. Like Chinese water torture; dripping cold water for hours onto a person's head is thought to drive them insane or forcing water down a victims throat or waterboarding their face.

I suppose it's quite a good analogy for your husband.

Can you completely ignore him or say something like "well if you think you're right then that's fine"
Just shut it down and don't take the bait?

He must take pleasure in provoking you into an angry reaction. sad I can see why you want to punch him.

namechange12a Sat 25-Jul-20 16:01:47

Water torturing is a constant drip drip drip of low level repetitive behaviour. WT tend to stay calm and love sitting there watching you getting angrier and angrier.

He's gaslighting you OP. Sounds like a very angry person, he's passive aggressive - be careful.

DramaAlpaca Sat 25-Jul-20 16:02:17

I had an ex boyfriend like that, always provoking and wanting to prove a point. You're right it is exhausting. It's one of the reasons he's an ex. My DH of many years wouldn't dream of doing that sort of thing, to anybody not just me.

AtrociousCircumstance Sat 25-Jul-20 16:05:31

You can’t stay with him. He doesn’t even like you. He wants to undermine and belittle you.

Why in the name of fuck are you putting up with this?

So you’ve got a name for his abusive shit now. Gaslighting and water-torture - good, fine. Now do something about it.

PicklePig31 Sat 25-Jul-20 16:07:28

I feel real sadness from your post.

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