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I think I have realised I don't really like sex with men

(134 Posts)
smallskylight Sat 25-Jul-20 12:36:06

I am middle aged and, when I think about it, I have only enjoyed sex with one man. I loved sex with him because he spent so much time touching and caressing and really enjoying my body. He clearly loved women's bodies, and he was clearly very aroused by touching me like that for that length of time. It made me realise most men are not like that, or at least not the ones I have been with. They lose their erections if they spend too much time touching and pleasuring me. Maybe I have been very unlucky, but I have probably had sex with up to 20 men. He's also the only man I have enjoyed penetrative sex with. Normally I get nothing out of this at all. TBH I find it boring. I think I enjoyed it with him because I was so aroused by the time we got around to penetrative sex. But even then I don't orgasm from it. The last two guys I had sex after him were awful. And kinda made me realise just how much I don't enjoy sex with men. I don't like sex where they seem to think my pleasure is entirely centred in my genitals, and if they move quickly after a snog to lick and rub that, then that is all they need to do.

Does anyone else feel like this? TBH I am wondering whether or not to bother trying to find a man to have a relationship with. The thought of crap sex just puts me off.

OP’s posts: |
Lizzie523 Sat 25-Jul-20 12:42:47

Maybe you have been unlucky to an extent. But I do think many men miss the truly sensual parts of sex and are in a rush, rather than taking their time. I'm still in my 20s so can only speak for this age group in my experience. Orgasm is as much in the the mind so I wonder what your wider relationships were like with these men? And did you truly fancy them? Sorry just throwing questions out there!

Have you ever slept with a woman?

smallskylight Sat 25-Jul-20 12:51:26

Some of these men were ones I really fancied, others more one night stands. So how much I fancy them didn't seem to effect the fact I just didn't really enjoy it. Until the great sex guy, which was fairly recent, I think I just thought I was someone who didn't enjoy sex. But now I think i just don't enjoy sex the way most men want to have sex.

Interestingly, I did read a discussion thread where women who mainly have sex with women, but sometimes with men spoke about the difference in experience, and it seemed to boil down to fucking with men and making love with women. Based on that, I think the great sex guy made love like a lesbian. grin

I'd quite like to see if a relationship with a woman would suit me better, both emotionally and sexually, but doubt any lesbian would be interested in a middle aged only-ever-been-heterosexual woman with kids.

OP’s posts: |
WaterOffADucksCrack Sat 25-Jul-20 13:02:41

How are you when it comes to communicating your sexual desires? I ask because I feel women have been conditioned to make sex all about a man's pleasure and to feel like they're wrong for communicating their own wants.

smallskylight Sat 25-Jul-20 13:34:20

There's maybe be some of that with some partners. But then, there have also been partners who have ignored me when I tell them what I want, or I tell them I want more erotic touching, and they do it but lose their erection and then I stop enjoying it because they are so clearly bored and unaroused. The whole point of sex is surely both enjoying the mutual pleasure giving. If it is just a task to get me off I can do that better myself on my own.

OP’s posts: |
MarshmallowsOnToast Sat 25-Jul-20 13:45:46

"but doubt any lesbian would be interested in a middle aged only-ever-been-heterosexual woman with kids."

I wouldn't be so sure.

My mum now only has relationships with women despite being in heterosexual relationships for the first 45+ years of her life. She has two children, myself included and it doesn't seem to get in the way.

I know she has dated both women who have always been gay & those like her with children.

If you are serious about exploring it, I'd give it a whirl.

smallskylight Sat 25-Jul-20 13:51:01

Ah, but my children are still young.

I have put on my dating profile that I am interested in men and women, but only one woman has said hi and she never replied when I was honest with her about my dating history and the kids. I'll keep it on my profile though.

OP’s posts: |
Anothernick Sat 25-Jul-20 13:59:56

I think you have been unlucky with your men. And perhaps you have not communicated with them very well in telling them what you like.

I don't think it's normal for a man to lose his erection during foreplay and many of us take pride in pleasing our partners, if it's better for her then it's better for me. Demonstrates my skill as a lover and boosts my ego.

WaterOffADucksCrack Sat 25-Jul-20 14:03:13

only one woman has said hi Have you sent the first message to any women?

tell them I want more erotic touching, and they do it but lose their erection and then I stop enjoying it because they are so clearly bored and unaroused. Not necessarily. They may lose their erection because they're concentrating! It doesn't mean they've lost their arousal or are bored. I love doing things to my partner. There have been a few times where I haven't been as wet as I usually am when he's started touching me and he's brought it up after once. I reassured him it really turned me on but sometimes I'm just wetter than others!

Communication is key. I know my partner loves making me feel good but he doesn't have a massive erection constantly. If he didn't like it he wouldn't do it as he knows I wouldn't want him to.

WaterOffADucksCrack Sat 25-Jul-20 14:05:18

I don't think it's normal for a man to lose his erection during foreplay I think it is as long as it comes back straight away. Although for us it could be the concentrating as we'll do complicated knots and will sometimes have to concentrate if there's new equipment etc blush

Hearhoovesthinkzebras Sat 25-Jul-20 14:11:46

I guess it depends how long you were expecting a partner to concentrate on your pleasure? How long are you talking about only saying they got bored makes it seems like it was going on for a long time. How long did you take concentrating on them? Sex is a two way street isn't it? It's not one person giving and the other receiving.

Smartanimal Sat 25-Jul-20 14:29:47

So what happened to the guy who you really enjoyed sex with?

Silkroad Sat 25-Jul-20 14:36:37

To be honest I feel the same. I’ve always found sex overrated given the hype it generates. I’ve also always found long term relationships overrated too. I am now in my 50’s, happily single with lots of friends and a couple of dogs who provide all the cuddles I need. I think society and history has conditioned us to all believe in the concept of romantic love when in fact it is not necessary to have a fulfilling life. It took me a long time to realise that though. I wish I had realised it sooner!

steppemum Sat 25-Jul-20 14:37:26

But now I think i just don't enjoy sex the way most men want to have sex.

I think that does say something about the men you're having sex with.

I read a great book when I was young and insecure, and it talked about taking responsibility for your pleasure, so telling the other person, asking for things, responding when things work, and changing it when they don't. In other words, don't assuem they know what turns you on.

I think that is very true, and many men don't respond well to it, as it means you are lessof a man if you can't pleasure your woman hmm. When you find someone who is genuinely interested, and listens to you, sex is so much better

Palavah Sat 25-Jul-20 14:43:56

I think it's an odd conclusion to come to that you don't enjoy sex with men in general, despite having been sexually attracted to several men and had enjoyable sex with a man who was a considerate, involved lover but not with 'up to 20' other men.

Are you taking responsibility for your own pleasure? Do you know how to make yourself orgasm? Do you show or tell your lovers what you enjoy?

Try reading 'Come as you are', about female sexual arousal.

smallskylight Sat 25-Jul-20 14:50:29

How long did you take concentrating on them? Sex is a two way street isn't it? It's not one person giving and the other receiving

My lord, I don't think ANY of the men I have been with could possibly complain that I spent less time concentrating on them than they did on me. But telling that a woman saying she wants some attention on her pleasure invokes this response!

So what happened to the guy who you really enjoyed sex with?
Turns out he had serious mental health issues which imploded the whole relationship. Upsetting at the time but for the best.

When you find someone who is genuinely interested, and listens to you, sex is so much better TBh I think that's it. Thinking about it, maybe I am just not good at picking guys who have the type of personality that means they will do this. I think I have rather late in my life realised that people are the same in the bedroom as they are out of it. I think for LTR I have probably not picked men who are particularly attuned or empathetic.

OP’s posts: |
smallskylight Sat 25-Jul-20 14:54:22

I think it's an odd conclusion to come to that you don't enjoy sex with men in general Surely only enjoying sex with one man in 20 is the very definition of not enjoying sex with men in general grin

Are you taking responsibility for your own pleasure? Do you know how to make yourself orgasm? Yes, in fact I enjoy sex with myself more than all but one of the men I have been with. I think that is part of the problem.
Do you show or tell your lovers what you enjoy? I think I answered that.
Try reading 'Come as you are', about female sexual arousal I will look that up. Thanks for the recommendation.

OP’s posts: |
LivingMyBestLife2020 Sat 25-Jul-20 14:55:47

I’m with you on this. The last few years I’ve taken it upon myself to please myself during sex so I enjoy it more.

Saying that, I’ve just met a new man who is incredible in bed. The best I’ve ever had. The difference being he loves pleasuring me. He’ll take pleasure from me but only for a little while, he genuinely prefers to spend time on me. He also makes love to me rather than just hammering away. He gives me such a post sex high, he’s incredible.

No other man has ever made me feel like he does.

category12 Sat 25-Jul-20 14:58:05

But are you genuinely attracted to women, or just assuming it would be better?

Most bi and lesbian women aren't going to be interested in being your first "experiment" if you're not sure what you want and are likely to be a bit "pillow princess" and likely dump them when the next bloke comes along.

If you are genuinely interested in women, you'll need to do more of the work in dating than sitting back waiting to be contacted.

suggestionsplease1 Sat 25-Jul-20 15:02:49

OP you should join a lesbian social meetup group near you - yours is certainly not an uncommon story. I hear it all the time from new members of the group that I meet up with and so you will find many women like yourself amongst others like me that have been out from a younger age. It's a good option to more casually explore things without the pressure of dating, and you might find you start up something with someone else there.

steppemum Sat 25-Jul-20 15:03:02

I think I have rather late in my life realised that people are the same in the bedroom as they are out of it. I think for LTR I have probably not picked men who are particularly attuned or empathetic.

this is 100% true. Tuned in empathetic, nice blokes are the same during sex. (usually)

I would also say, that my dh gets turned on by me being turned on. So when he does stuff that I like, he gets pleasure from it too, and is then much more aroused himself.

Thislittlelady Sat 25-Jul-20 15:04:53

I get you op.

CrazyToast Sat 25-Jul-20 15:09:57

This is my experience of sex with men. Some are just about putting it in asap. A couple of times I've met a guy who really really likes women's bodies and wants to spend a long time on touching and kissing and foreplay. Usually they are somewhere in between.

FinnGermey Sat 25-Jul-20 15:15:12

What is perceived difference between fucking and making love?
I always assumed a fuck was a real quick affair, with little attention paid to each others bodies or much foreplay? Making love is a longer affair with sensual kissing, maybe oral and long foreppay followed by gentle rhythmic thrusting rather than hammering away?
I prefer the latter, especially with someone I really care about. Fucking is a kind of one night stand thing or a 5 minute quickie.

ArthurMorgan Sat 25-Jul-20 15:17:28

I'm more than with you on this one

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