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Is this the end

(11 Posts)
Greyclouds10 Sat 25-Jul-20 12:11:46

So, bare with me, this is a long one but I really need to talk. For the last three years my mental health has been deteriorating, I have put on 5 stones. Alot has happened in thise times. It started by some random woman popping up and saying she had had a child with my husband many years ago (at the beginning of our relationship) but it turns out she had been blackmailing him over it for a few months and he had kept it all secret. We dealt with this and moved on. Then we were forced to move house as we rent and they were selling up, I took this really badly, plus the lack of support from family. Then my job changed and I was very unhappy in it and to a certain extent bullied by a co-worker. I have developed arthritis in my hip, my blood pressure is dangerously high though am sorting that through medication. I am really overweight and am so unhealthy. I feel like I'm drowning most days and cant make it through a day without crying. During this last 6 months me and my husband have drifted apart. I just feel so unsupported, which is ironic because he suffers from depression. He works, then comes home and runs his online business then spends time on his hobby. I feel like I never see him, he leads his life and I look after the kids, house and him. Fast forward to two weeks ago. I tried talking to him about stuff I needed to do for doctors and I just ended up getting upset and stormed off to bed. Things have not been right since. I feel I cant open up to him, I have tried a couple of times and he just ignores it (not even sure he is intentionally doing this). So night before last he went to sleep downstairs because I was snoring. I followed him to see why and I just lost it and told him to f#@k off. That I know that's what he wants and went back up to bed. The next day he went to work without seeing me and I text him, asking if he still loves me and if he wants to be together still (we have been married for nearly 19 years and have 3 kids). That something needs to be done. An arguement ensued over text. When he came home we tried talking and I again opened up to him trying to explain that the problem was me not us and how bad I had got. But he thinks there is more to it, that he feels trapped, that I am always having a go at him and he is always wrong. Our sea lives have always been shit, I just dont have any sex drive (never have unless I'm really drunk) also I find it quite disgusting, soggy and yuk! So he of course brought that up. I said we are fundamentally different, he would happily go out and socialise etc etc but I'm more than happy staying home with my little family and keeping myself to myself. He decided he needed to leave and sort his head so he went and stayed out last night. I havent heard from him since. I feel abandoned, like he has left me in my darkest hour, like I am left at home again holding everything together like the glue of the family. But I have nothing left to give. It feels like he has gone if to judge me, decide whether he wants me or not. I feel desolate, empty I dont know what to do. I love him and always have, but I am what I am and I dont know how to be different, I am sharp, fussy probably a bit controlling in things like normal stuff I dont mean controlling what he does. I just feel so alone, I dont know what to, please someone respond

OP’s posts: |
sc93 Sat 25-Jul-20 12:52:39

You need to put steps in place to start working on yourself
Speak to the doctor - you don't necessarily need to tell him if he's not willing to listen
Start to think about positive mental health
I would suggest reading "the secret" it's an extremely powerful book
It's difficult after being together for so long however if you're not happy with yourself then you won't be fully happy
Focus on you and what you want from your life with or without him
You're strong
You've got this

Lozzerbmc Sat 25-Jul-20 13:04:28

Get in touch with your GP to get some help. You need to look after yourself. Why not get out today with the kids for a long walk it would help clear your head for when you see your husband.

IncrediblySadToo Sat 25-Jul-20 13:17:32

First thing is you need a ((((BIG hug)))

How old are your kids?

What happened with the child the woman said was his?

It's really mean of him not to have at least text you by now, just to say 'hi' and see if you and the kids are ok. (Unless he'd normally sleep this late after a night out I guess). Did he phone/text you last night to let you know where he was spending the night?

It sounds like you're living separate lives in the same house - would you agree? If so - How long has it been this way? Has he ever been a hands on Dad and part of the family or has it always been You & The Kids and him doing his own thing?

Are you getting outside & getting some fresh air & a bit of exercise?

Greyclouds10 Sat 25-Jul-20 13:42:50

Thank you for the hug. Kids are 15, 12 and 9 so no longer babies and I think they are aware of stuff ☹ With regards to that woman we basically tried to get a DNA test and she kept refusing, we sent her a solicitors letter that if she wouldnt prove it then that was an end to it because we were certain she was trying it on for money. But then there is always part of me that thinks one day the kid will just show up and also I have never trusted him the same since, it's not the deed it was the hiding the communication with her from me.
I still havent heard from him, at all, he has been active on messanger so he is alive, but no contact with me. He said as he left that he might see if his brother was around and said if I thought he was going out galavanting then I was really wrong.
Yes it does feel like separate lives, it hasnt always been this way, he was more hands on, in fact he was a stay at home dad when we just had first two kids. He has always spent less time with family than I have though and it has always been like I'm in charge and he just helps if that makes sense.
I dont exercise at all now, cant seem to be motivated to, I try and get kids out and about but I just potter or sit and watch

OP’s posts: |
litterbird Sat 25-Jul-20 14:13:20

So sorry for the both of you. You may need to get to the GP and get help with your mental health. Your husband needs help too. You both seem so depressed and your husband sees escaping from this situation is all he can do at the moment. That does not make it right but maybe some breathing space is what you both need to work through both your separate issues. You need to get your self esteem higher, your pride in yourself higher and get back to exercising too. I would leave your husband to have some space and it will give you some space too. You said you don't like sex and that may have upset and distressed your husband too. It would have upset you as well as it must be difficult to keep pushing your partner away sexually without feeling guilty. You have a 15 year old....could you not ask them to keep an eye out on the others whilst you look at going back to the gym or swimming or just out for a brisk walk for half an hour to kick start your health. The governments thing called couch to 5k which is an app you can download is excellent. I have seen friends that hate anything to do with exercise do this and their happiness level has been really boosted. You are both so sadly in a depressive state and I feel for both of you and hope you can start to work on yourself soon and get better.

Greyclouds10 Sat 25-Jul-20 15:48:06

Yes it turns out youre right litterbird. He has been in touch, no idea where he is but he is safe so that's a relief. I have made it clear how I feel but he has said himself he struggling so much. I dont know what to do now, I want us to get better and fight for us as a couple as well. What do we do, we have no time to talk because we are so both tired by time my 15 year old goes to bed one or both if us fall asleep. Also it just ends up in arguing, how do I do this, I just dont know what to do

OP’s posts: |
litterbird Sun 26-Jul-20 07:24:51

Then you must make time for both of yourselves. You must take time off work, you must find a space somewhere to talk when you are less tired. You must put your relationship first above everything. If you want this to survive you will have to take measures to rest, evaluate and talk calmly away from everything.

Lozzerbmc Sun 26-Jul-20 08:48:12

Great advice from littlebird above. I would strongly recommend couch to 5k. Its been really good for my physical and mental health. I’ve gone from only running for a bus(!) to running for 30 mins something I thought impossible. Really felt a sense of achievement and wellbeing. You can leave the kids for 30/40 mins. It will give you some space which you need.

Greyclouds10 Tue 28-Jul-20 20:12:28

Thanks everyone, he came home and we talked. You all made me realise how bad we had both got (not helped I dont think with all this pandemic stuff as well). Generally we both realise we have just been coasting in the relationship and not spending time for ourselves or each other. Things arent sorted by a long way but we have started. Personally I know for me to come I need to loose weight and exercise so I have tried getting out every day with kids and then when they are back to school in sept I'm going to have a look at the couch to 5k thing. He realises he needs to be present more not just in the house if that makes sense. But what have both said is we need to make sure we communicate better. Thank you everyone

OP’s posts: |
Tiffbiff Tue 28-Jul-20 22:27:21

If you start couch to 5k now you’ll be done by the end of September OP- don’t put it off. Your children are old enough to stay at home for 40 minutes And it’ll be really good for you 💪 you’ve been so honest in everything you’ve said, including that you put exercise off- September is miles away, why delay what you can start now.

I was THE most unfit person when I started couch to 5k and can now run non stop for 30 minutes
And it really does work wonders on your mental health.

Tough love- but get on with it! ❤️

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