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DD dad doesn't check her while in his care!

(117 Posts)
Teatwosugars88 Fri 24-Jul-20 22:55:16

Aibu for thinking it is unacceptable that my ex didn't doesn't check on our dd during their contact to ensure she has drunk enough, isn't to hot, isn't hungry etc.

DD is 21 months, she currently sees her dad 4 hours a week which is court ordered. She often comes back dehydrated and on one occasion I had sent her off in 3 layers of clothing because it was cool at handover yet as the day got warmer he didn't remove layers so she sweated through all the layers. I've only just found out that he didn't actually remove the layers until the end of their time together.. so four hours on a day where it reached 21c. He is trying to make out that I dressed her inappropriately, even though he arrived with a jacket as the morning was that cool.

But am I being unreasonable to think he should have been checking her and removing layers. Leads me to believe he just isn't checking on her, even if he had checked her nappy he would have realised she was too warm. It makes me so mad that he would do this then try and blame me.

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Teatwosugars88 Fri 24-Jul-20 23:05:36

Feel like the worst person sending her to contact, she absolutely hates going.

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SavoyCabbage Fri 24-Jul-20 23:05:41

He’s not looking after her rather than he’s not checking on her.

Checking on a child is something you do in the night when a child is younger or when you aren’t with them when they are older.

A 21 month old needs to be looked after all of the time.

He’s not doing a good job. Did he look after her by himself before you separated? It’s like he hasn’t learnt how to look after her property.

Teatwosugars88 Fri 24-Jul-20 23:23:13

@SavoyCabbage, no never looked after her, was abusive. Reported it to the police but courts have allowed him access. All of this happening with two other adults present as well so between the three of them.

I told him he needs to look after her, check to see if she is too warm/cold, needs a nappy change, hungry etc but really he is just lazy. He leaves her in her pushchair for the majority of their time together but the least I thought he would do is check to see if she is ok. It's like when I hand her over he wants her to be in an outfit that she'll wear all day and he just has to do very little.

But I'm not being unreasonable to expect him to look after at the very least check if she is ok.. I mean 4 hours to see she is too hot when she is clearly wearing a hoodie etc is concerning to me

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LesLavandes Fri 24-Jul-20 23:26:20

Who are the other 2 people?

LesLavandes Fri 24-Jul-20 23:27:16

'Checking on' is an Irish phrase

LesLavandes Fri 24-Jul-20 23:28:14

It means the same thing as looking after

Jessbow Fri 24-Jul-20 23:31:19

Thirsty maybe, but dehydrated in 4 hours? Really?

Teatwosugars88 Fri 24-Jul-20 23:36:07

@Jessbow, it's been confirmed by a GP as dehydration. DD ends up not passing anything for a further 4-5 hours after contact. And with the hot days we have experienced along with ex not removing layers I can see how it's happened.

@LesLavandes the other two are family members of my ex.

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endofthelinefinally Fri 24-Jul-20 23:41:00

You need to be documenting everything, taking photographs if necessary and reporting to your HV. This is neglect.

titnomatani Fri 24-Jul-20 23:52:31

Please don't take this lightly. Put everything in writing so it's documented and keep a log. I'd be going back to the courts saying he's neglecting her and you feel she's unsafe in his care (based on what you've written, she definitely is). Poor child.

NoProblem123 Sat 25-Jul-20 00:06:11

She hates going ??

Teatwosugars88 Sat 25-Jul-20 00:08:10

I have been logging everything, hv is aware and gp too.

And @NoProblem123 when I say this I mean she screams as soon as she sees her dad, she can be happy and content and as soon as she sees him she'll start screaming. When I pick her up she has still crying or whinging and doesn't even wave goodbye.

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LovingLola Sat 25-Jul-20 00:10:17

Your poor dd. Can you go back to court about this?

RLEOM Sat 25-Jul-20 00:14:00

If he's not used to having her, he's not going to know the full extent of her needs. I'm assuming it's his first?

I see why you're upset. My ex had been giving our 18 month old grapes without cutting them up - she could've choked. It's still a learning curve for my ex and for me, too. And I know with my ex that he hates any kind of advice that he would see as criticism, so maybe that's why yours is being defensive about it. Hopefully he'll take your comments on board, even if he is being defensive.

herecomestreble Sat 25-Jul-20 00:21:37

Dehydrated in 4 hours is extremely unlikely. Easily reversible so would have to have begun before contact or continued after.

Smallsteps88 Sat 25-Jul-20 00:28:25

He sounds like he just doesn’t have the first clue how to look after a child. My ex was the same- social services became involved and had to actually spell out to him that when your small children are outside playing, you have to be outside watching them so they don’t go on the road and that 15 and 18 rated movies and games aren’t appropriate. He ignored all this when I said it as I think he just considered it me having a go for no reason rather than because it actually mattered.

Are his relatives parents? Any chance you could ask them to remind him to parent her properly when he has her?

Agree with documenting everything.

PerspicaciaTick Sat 25-Jul-20 00:33:01

4 hours without a drink led to dehydration so severe you took her to a GP?
How does she cope without having a drink for 8-10 hours every night?
TBH he sounds a bit crap but you sound like you a building a case against him.

rvby Sat 25-Jul-20 02:13:16

This isnt great but I would pick my battles carefully. It is massively unlikely she gets dehydration from 4 hours without a drink. We wouldn't have survived the stone age as a species if that were a common occurrence. Wearing layers for a few hours on a 21c day is also not really that big a deal... not ideal but you are going to sound petty if you pick on every little thing.

In a year or two she will be more verbal, able to take her own layers off, etc. Is it worth creating angst at this stage?

Parents parent in different ways, and typically kids survive it as long as their parents love them. You might need to let some things go, or run the risk of a crying wolf scenario if he really starts to fuck up, iyswim.

Can you just send her with a closed beaker/ water bottle? Get her a merino jumper so that it breathes even if she overheats? Bide your time a gently give advice in writing every few months. Teach dd to care for herself as much as possible. If her dad is truly feckless, she will need this anyway.

gamerout Sat 25-Jul-20 02:54:43

Give her a big drink before she goes and immediately when she gets back. Bowl of porridge before she goes so she’s full up. Breathable clothing that is wickable. Wicks moisture away. Send her with a zipped cardigan and teach her how to unzip herself. You have to teach her to be independent

chardonm Sat 25-Jul-20 03:05:03

4 hours with the wrong clothing. That's hardly worth mentioning?

alexdgr8 Sat 25-Jul-20 03:10:13

it is tricky.
if i was really concerned, i would consider getting a concealed listening device. i know this sounds extreme, but if everything sounded reasonably ok, even if not the parenting you would do, then you could relax and not need to do it again.
i find it concerning that the child shews displeasure at his arrival.
i would want to know what is going on.
why does he want her with him if he doesn't want to look after her.
are either of the other adults female; could you appeal to them.

Teatwosugars88 Sat 25-Jul-20 06:25:23

Wow, ok so I am being unreasonable.

Bit shocked that the majority of you think it's ok to have dd in three layers that she soaked through from being too hot on a warm day. Yes it may have only been 4 hours, but it's the fact he didn't even check.

I am trying to get dd more independent though and usually she would find her juice cup herself if really thirsty but she wasn't/isn't able to do this.

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Coldhandscoldheart Sat 25-Jul-20 06:34:40

I’d look at attaching a cup to the pushchair so she can reach it. Teach her to open/close the lid.
Make it a cheap one in case it gets lost & don’t make a big deal of it.

pestov Sat 25-Jul-20 06:48:21

I think you sound really anxious about the whole situation and are looking for any excuse to change the agreement. This is totally understandable given the history and you should be commended for seeking some perspective here.

3 layers is far too much at this time of year - it's July! My 22 month old has been exclusively in shorts and T-shirt for weeks with the occasional light jacket or hoodie when it's cold. He doesn't run anywhere near as hot as my daughter who is happiest in a skimpy dress well into the autumn. If you are handing over indoors then perhaps leave him extra layers to add - overheating is much more dangerous than being cold.

Does your DD have a word for needing a drink yet? Water/Cup/Drink etc? Does your ex know it? At this age it's really important to share what her new words mean - Ga-Ga means water to my son. If he's only got her 4 hours a week you're setting him up to fail without passing on this information.

You are doing a good job trying to provide the best for her, but it's unlikely his access will be rescinded if he's got approved supervision so time to make the best of a bad situation

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