Need to stop fantasising about a man I can’t have! Help

[summertime7654]

So basically I fancy my boss. One thing is he is my boss. The other is that he is taken and I would never ever go there.

Problem is we work really really closely at work and there is no way around it. I adore my job so leaving isn’t an option. I doubt the feeling is mutual and he is a very lovely guy so I know would never even admit it let alone do anything about and I would rather it wasn’t mutual.

I do need some help to figure out how I stop fantasising about him though. Any good tips?

[summertime7654]

We don’t really speak outside of work and I plan to keep it that way.

Has anyone else managed to get over a bit of a crush successfully. If he wasn’t so insanely good looking it may help!

[DiscoInFurlough]

Just enjoy it. As long as its not harming your life or mental well-being, turn it into just a bit of fun in your head.
From personal experience, having felt like this about bosses a couple of time, it passes but also does no harm. Just keep believing nothing will ever happen but that it brightens up a dull work day.

[summertime7654]

Thanks @DiscoInFurlough

You are right. I just am such a loyal person I almost feel bad just thinking about it and really miss being around him when I’m not at work. I need to stop him getting in to my head and enjoy it a little more

[DiscoInFurlough]

If you really need to... imagine him having the squits... doing nasty smelly farts... and getting all sweaty and stinky. Afterall, he is human, you have him on a pedastall, but he is just a man and probably wees on the toilet seat and wipes his bogeys on the curtains.
He is a fantasy in your head, choose to pop the bubble or just indulge it to brighten your day.

[DioneTheDiabolist]

Are you single OP?

[summertime7654]

That is a very good point. That’s the problem with crushes it seems like such a good fantasy and the reality never really is as good.

It really would help if he was far less good looking. I have really held back though and stopped myself getting any major rush of emotions. I know I’m holding back because letting go could mean I feel more than I do at the moment so probably safer.

[summertime7654]

Yes I’m single @DioneTheDiabolist

[vincettenoir]

Try not to worry about it. Remember people have passing crushes at work that they don’t act on all the time. It is very much a part of the normal human experience for most people. Crushes can be powerful but it is not something that needs to pose any threat to anyone. And it won’t last forever.

[Dery]

“Try not to worry about it. Remember people have passing crushes at work that they don’t act on all the time. It is very much a part of the normal human experience for most people. Crushes can be powerful but it is not something that needs to pose any threat to anyone. And it won’t last forever”

This.

[summertime7654]

Thanks @vincettenoir. You are right I need to stop worrying about it.

How do you know when it’s more than a crush? I have always felt in a relationship that I I feel something for someone else then my relationship is wrong in some way. I was in a very controlling relationship for a while and think that may have something to do with it.

[summertime7654]

Like I say I’m not in one now though

[DioneTheDiabolist]

I think your crush on your boss is telling you what you want in a man. It's not really about him at all. Are you dating atm?

[summertime7654]

@DioneTheDiabolist I agree with you totally.

No I’m not dating atm mainly due to the current situation and wasn’t really ready to before lockdown but as things start to ease I think I need to get myself out there.

I think one thing the last few years has taught me is what I want in a man and what I recognise I need.

[vincettenoir]

I don’t personally think in terms of something being more or less than a crush, as a crush just means being sexually attracted to someone. And most of us are sexually attracted to many, many people throughout our lifetime. Sometimes it turns into something and most times it doesn’t.

[summertime7654]

@vincettenoir that’s a good way of looking at it. I would love to know if there was a way of knowing if something is more special.

My relationships have all been a disaster really. Some worse than others. I do not choose well!

[DioneTheDiabolist]

Start interviewing for prospective dates now that you know what you're looking for OP.

[vincettenoir]

I hope you meet someone nice and have a more satisfying relationship next time around. I don’t think there is any surefire way of telling if a relationship is going to be special. It’s just a case of taking a leap of faith.

Modern literature and films and popular culture sometimes give people the false impression they need to be on the lookout for the one. It’s a myth. There is no one. Or more accurately there are dozens of potential ones.

[Pelleas]

If you want to get over it, the only way is to stop thinking about him. If you find yourself slipping into a fantasy, think about something - anything - else - the mental equivalent of sticking your fingers in your ears and singing "la la la".

[trixiebelden77]

Why would you need to know how to tell if it’s something more special?

You’re a ‘loyal’ person, you’d hate it if it was mutual, you would never go there....

I certainly wouldn’t indulge or enjoy it, that’s very poor advice. If you mean what you say about the kind of person you are, you won’t do that.

[donnatellme]

You need to back away quickly before this becomes very, very messy. It doesn't sound like you want this crush to end. Your boss is probably enjoying the flirting and however harmless this seems, it is anything but.

[MizMoonshine]

Take it from someone who had a crush on the boss. And then had an affair with the boss. Don't encourage or enjoy these thoughts.
You say you barely talk outside of work, make that never.
All it takes is one little slip, he finds out you're interested. It can all spiral in a bad way.
His wife wouldn't be happy knowing someone working with him was feeling this way about him. Get yourself dating and find an outlet for your fantasies that isn't someone taken.

[summertime7654]

You are right that getting out dating would be best however we happen to be in the middle of a pandemic so it’s not all that easy. As soon as it seems more sensible to do it is exactly what I will do.

I wouldn’t have an affair. Ever. Not even emotional. We don’t talk outside of work apart from if there is a work emergency. You are right about his wife and I wouldn’t do that to anyone and he most certainly is not flirting to me.

Think I’ve just realised I am rubbish at choosing men and need to figure how not to make the same mistakes!